As a Child Specialist by profession and a Mother by Luck and Fortitude, I espouse a Time-Out system of discipline/rule teaching. Over the years, I have heard many misconceptions and misapplications of this kind of system and thought it might be interesting to write a post on the topic.
Obviously, discipline methods are way personal and this is a sum of my own professional and personal opinions, based on a couple books* and clinical experience/parenting a [Toddler-Sized Wild Thing] strong-willed kid. I believe that with consistent, emotionless application, this kind of system can work with a good percentage of typically developing kids.
Disclaimer: If your circumstances are outside this example, I realize that it may not be the ideal situation for you. I also realize that it may not be a type of discipline that YOU espouse and that's ALL RIGHT, sisters and brothers. I'm not trying to convert you or judge your methods. We are all Unique Disciplining Snowflakes (tm Jonniker) and I'm only putting it out there for those who might be interested in such a system or who are having difficulty implementing a system like it. AKA: I respect your right to parent your own kids and AM NOT JUDGING. M'kay? M'KAY.)
Let's move on.
The Basic Time-Out System that I'm talking about is a counting, '1, 2, 3-Time Out' system. The kid gets two warnings and then a Time Out for misbehavior. The time out is measured minutes:years of age (although there's some debate about this in the clinical arena, for ease and convenience, I stick with it.)
Here are my tips/strategies for integrating a Time-Out System into your family.1. Start Early
I started with TLNG around 18mos. This is too early for a kid to get [what the HELL you're talking about] the finer points, and so don't expect your Toddler to hop up into the time out seat and be able to articulate 'what they did' to get there. Why do it then? Good question, you. My theory is that, by starting early, you're teaching two important, fundamental, lessons automatically, whether or not your child 'gets' the concept of the time out in earnest. You're teaching that a) Actions have consequences and more importantly, I think, b) YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
(Aside: In parenting in general and discipline in particular, it is hard to overestimate the significance of your children knowing that you Mean What You Say. And kids are wicked perceptive, so you have to, um, Mean What You Say...almost all the time.)
(Aside 2: If you don't mean it, try real hard not to say it. Just saying.)
2. Choose Target Behaviors (AKA: Your BATTLES)
Sometimes, in an effort to get a grip on toddler tantrums or preschool defiance, parents will start giving time-outs (times-out?) for every little piggy over the line. It is understandable and even logical that this would be 'consistent' and effective but in my experience kids (and parents) rapidly fatigue in this situation. It's impossible to be on top of EVERYTHING and frankly, kids who are CONSTANTLY being herded to the time out seat are more prone to rebel and get CRAZY. Pick one or two of the most offensive behaviors to work on first. Especially if your child is young. We're making a point, here, not putting your kid in time out jail.
3. Try for Consistent, EMOTIONLESS Delivery of Warnings/Consequences
This can make the most difference. Consistency is key. Once you pick the target behaviors, be clear about your expectations and consistently address them. Also, if you are able to [do the hardest thing ever] keep a poker face and offer no emotion when counting/correcting behavior, I urge you to do it. If it's difficult [HA HA HA!] TRY. And PRACTICE. Younger kids are intrigued by your strong emotions and older kids can 'pull' for it. Staying reserved and CHILL [again, HA HA HA! Good luck with that!] works best.
4. Set Audible Timer
Something that your kids can HEAR works the best. This way, there's no guessing about how long they've been there or when they're done. (If I'm out, or in the car, I use other tangible ways for my kid to differentiate 'in' and 'out' of time out. In the car, for example, I turn off the music and we don't talk while she's 'in time out.')
5. Be Clear and Concise (AKA: Talk Simple Then Shoot The Fook Oop)
Resist the urge to [blahblahLESSONblahblah] lecture or keep talking when your kid is in time out. Ditto for when your kid gets out of time out. They aren't able to process all the lecturing anyway, so save it. Give concise reasons for sending them and when they're out, you can have a quick re-cap and then let it go. (If it was something really heinous that got them there, you can have a little talk if you need to, just try to keep it short and simple.)
6. Be Consistent, Consistent, Consistent and The Same All The Fucking Time
This is a tough one for [me] lots of people but the investment that you make to be consistent will pay dividends later. Especially if you have a *hem-hem* Spirited Child, as I do. Temperamentally speaking, some parents have an easier time being consistent and some children have more need of consistency but for all small kids, it is comforting and reassuring (don't expect them to THANK YOU for it, though. It's their job to test [EVERY FUCKING LIMIT YOU SET].)
Remember:
Time Outs are NOT meant to be punishments and/or Torture for Children:
I hear parents say, 'Time outs don't work for us because Johnny doesn't care...he likes it, etc.' It's fine if your kid doesn't cry or gnash his teeth. Remember that we're not beating him into submission. We're TEACHING and teaching anything, especially behaviors, is a long-term goal. Being consistent and continuing to apply a technique over and over will reinforce that you mean what you say and your kid will eventually get it.
Adjust/Re-frame Your Expectations:
Similar to above. Don't expect that a week of time outs will prevent your kid from sticking his head in the dog's water (or whatever.) It takes kids a long time to be able to cognitively work backwards through a sequence--to figure out that he shouldn't put his head in the bowl because he will get a time out. It's not actually a DETERRENT for a young kid. It's a way to consistently apply a consequence and is a building block for future and further disciplining. The repetition is key in any kind of learning. (Think of that frigging ANNOYING book that you have to your kid over and over and over at bedtime. Same difference.)
Misbehavior Increases Before It Decreases:
If you didn't start early and/or you have been inconsistent and/or your system of discipline is a wreck and/or nonexistent, you needn't fear. Just be prepared, the testing may be [fucking brutal] more intense before it improves, as the kids will push and push and push to see if you'll give up.
(Mis) Behavior Cycles With Development:
Even if you are consistently applying this or another system of discipline, you will notice that the need for it waxes and wanes with your child's development. As your kid's social awareness, cognitive and physical abilities increase and expand, there will be 'waves' of testing and trying out new behaviors. Because there is often a regression before a developmental leap, you may also notice that your child is going back to past behaviors that had been resolved. (Oh, that is SO fun when that happens. BAAAAAH!)
Be Flexible and Creative:
There are circumstances when a time out might actually be REWARDING (and thus, reinforcing) misbehavior (i.e. your kid doesn't want to get in bed yet and so the two minute delay is [just what that little sucker wants] not advisable. Creativity in these times is key. When that situation happens here, I use the 'my kid understands that I mean what I say' to my advantage and tell my daughter that if she doesn't come to get dressed for bed by the count of three, that she will only get two (instead of three) stories. (Sometimes she gets down to one but she's lost all her stories only once or twice.)
All right. There you have it.
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*I often recommend '1, 2, 3 Magic' by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It is an easy read, in lay language and is a great resource.
