The New Girl

Experiment. Or, If You Like, Practice.

So, the feedback on the last post was Pleasant! And surprising! And Pleasant!

It's nice to have internet friends who don't judge you or get sick of you saying the same shit over and over (or so you say NOW, heh) and so I'm going to try an experiment.  I'm just going to...you know...write.

My usual method of writing posts (believe it or not) is (generally) to have a more or less, fully formed idea and then to sit at the computer and write it, shape it and polish it up before I hit publish.  If you read me in a reader [you're like, 'what is her fucking DEAL?'] you may often see multiple 'publishes' on a lot of my posts. That..happens to me.  Still shaping after it's published.  (The internet equivalent of re-re-re-FUCKINGRE-recording voice mails before I'm satisfied. It's a Mental Glitch of the first order.)

So.

Today, I figured, let's try something [crazy] new and do a [rambling post with no purpose] stream of consciousness writing.

....

..

?

Um.

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Welp. Let's call me a beginner.

I am taking my dad to the doctor today. He's doing pretty well, actually. (My dad, you know, not the doctor.) (Well, the doctor's probably doing well too, but WHATEVER.) I think that he may have found a house that he likes (!!) The heaviness and difficulty that will accompany the readying and selling of my childhood home is balanced (at least right now, when the paint rollers and dumpsters and hours upon hours of back breaking work are only in my IMAGINATION) by the floaty feeling I get from thinking of my dad living so close by that he can come for dinner, or trick-or-treating, or Thanksgiving AND Christmas morning AND whenever [all without his dog] and then go back to his own house, where he will (eventually) be comfortable.

I'm optimistic, as he's starting to look around at the street signs and try to figure out where things are in relation to other things (and lo, I have discovered from whence my ABYSMAL sense of direction hails) and he said, 'Well, I can just come down here and go do my shopping at ACME, eh?'  And I'm like, 'Dad. I can come and get you. And we can go together. And then I can drop you off at home with your groceries.' And he nodded, kind of surprised. And said, 'Save me on gas.'

It's hard for him, and in a collective sense, all of us, sometimes, to imagine the good things that will come out of the difficulties, I suppose.  The harder things are more evident to him.  Partly because they are so, So, SO challenging. Big-Ass Life Changers.  But too, I think, because they are all up front.  On the front end is the buying and the cleaning and shedding and organizing and moving and all that.  It's only after he's here, I think, and a little more comfortable that it will dawn on him the amazing opportunity he has to engage and be a real part of this family for which he worked so, so hard for so, so long.

And I hope to remember this feeling that I have. The feeling of so badly wanting him to be close to us, knowing that no parent wants to be a *burden* to his children.  But for me, moving him closer isn't the burden.  The REAL burden is the worry that I feel when he's that far away, well outside the reach of my [evil clutches] loving care.  Or the uprooting, driving, uprooting, driving, uprooting that we have to do when the inevitable bad things start happening.

I understand how he feels, I do.  But I also hope to remember how *I* am feeling now--in case I'm lucky enough to live that long--because one day, my kids might feel this same way.  

And I don't ever want to be a burden to them.

Beginning. Again.

After the birth of my second child, my body is, um, changed.  Not in the best way possible, you know. I'm looking to reestablish some semblance of self-control in the eating department, now that the sleep deprivation is lessening (ThankYouOhGoodGoodBabyThankYou) and get back to a fitness program. Namely yoga, weights and aerobic exercise.

I've been doing all right.  I've set some goals for myself.  I started posting at Balancing the Scales again (if it's not your cup of tea, I totally understand. If you ARE into health kicks and meatless meal talk, though, I'd be happy to have you visit.) 

I'm trying to [get out of shopping and buying new but big and expensive clothes] get back into my pre-maternity clothes.  I'm trying to work out the stiffness and the aching that comes (for me) from too little activity and zero stretching, plus the repeated movements and fookact body posture that comes from hanging out with little kids all day and looking into the cute, cute nurser's eyeballs. (I think they may be turning brown! Whoop Whoop!)

I also decided to run a 5k.  I am not a huge runner or a fan of running mile after mile [without the motivation of someone, say a knife-wielder, chasing me.] But I think a 5k is cool.  I'm going to try the Couch to 5k program. (I only have 7 weeks, though, so we'll see.)

Plus, there's this: The Man is going to do it.  And since having kids, especially the second baby, still being so small, there is very little we do together.  We even put them down separately now.  He said something casually and offhand, in the middle of a regular old conversation, that stuck with me and has been festering a little inside me.  He said this:

'We basically are living separate lives now.'

You know? That shit is kind of right. But it gives me the Hobby Jobbies* to hear it, out loud and matter of fact like that. 

And so, I'm going to train and we're going to run it together.  I'll be running and there won't be a knife-wielding maniac behind me. 

It'll be The Man.

'Cause I'm gonna smoke him.

*Hobbie Jobbies (heebie jeebies) are what The Nephew gets, as he explained, 'when something is Spokey' (spooky.) Oh, how I LOVE toddler-speak.

The (Not So) Secret To Productivity For The New Girl

In the length of time that I've been living and breathing on the planet, I've found that in order for me to be productive in [blogging] life, I must produce BEFORE I do anything else. This goes for almost everything.  I have to work out pretty much first thing in the morning.  I have to get things done as SOON as the baby goes down for her nap, or ELSE.  I have to do the work part at the beginning of whatever allotted time that I have.  For whatever reason, The Mental Glitch I have, which could be described as: Incredibly Susceptible To Inertia, doesn't allow me to move from 'play' to 'work' very easily.  (Aside: A much easier transition is from 'work' to 'play.' Obv. as it's that way for like, almost EVERYONE, hence its timeless use as a technique to shape children's behavior, plus be like a saying and shit.)

Anyway.

During periods in my life that are rife with stress, sleep deprivation, wah wah wah, etc. my productivity decreases.  I'm not really going to go into it, as it's not essential to the point and plus, I've [whined] talked about it [ad nauseum] before.  I'm just saying?  Those times?  Are the same times that I'm sitting down to the computer and [whiling away hours on The Facebook] reading your blogs, instead of buying the little karate pants from Amazon for TLNG or paying my bills (or my EFFING TAXES wtf?) or straightening out the horrendous mess that I have with Verizon or making an appointment to see the doctor or whatever.  You get the point.  I get on the computer and fuck around and then before [I] you know it, the whistle blows, nap time is over and it's back to work.

If, though, I sit down and write a post or pay the bills or buy the pants, I'd still have time to [fuck around on The Facebook] do more 'passive-receiving' type of activities.  So, you think that would solve the problem, right?  Oh, SURE.  (I'll wait while you stop chuckling.)  If you can figure out how to make me do what I need to do at the BEGINNING of every allotted time in which I have to do things, you'll make a MILLION-TRILLION dollars and 'stand in the flow of abundance' (or whatever fucking bullshit term they're using now) from the income from the friggin' self-help book that you would write.  I'd even do the forward for you.

Anyway.

Today (at even before noon) was a VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY. 

We [still haven't adjusted to the time change] got up at the butt-crack of dawn, went to the diner with The Little Sister & Co. (but just for an activity because we'd already eaten--see? PRODUCTIVE.)  And then we went to vote [while The Brother-In-Law chased around the newly-bipedal but surprisingly fast TLNG].  And THEN?  Then, friends, I took the kid grocery shopping with me.  For the BIG shop.  And then we got gas (yes, I count that as its own errand, people, I h a t e it that much.) And then we came home and I put the groceries away, while trying not to step on my kid or crush her skull with the refrigerator door (because, dudes? She ALWAYS AT THE REFRIGERATOR, trying to shut the doors) and then I [frayed my last nerve] called Verizon and talked [to no less than 5 clueless motherfuckers] to plenty of associates but FINALLY found someone to help me. And then I put the baby down for her nap.  And now, I'm writing this [POS] post.

And then after nap?  I am going to that doctor's appointment.

And then, I might just collapse.

Healthy Hump Day: Adding Structure

I have been feeling really out of sorts lately.  I am hoping to be able to write about it without the need to resort to silliness or humor to deflect the real feelings that I am having, while at the same time, steering clearly out of 'Wah, wah, babyville,' and 'Woe-is-me-land' if you know what I'm saying.

No need for whining or heavy emotion.  At least not from me.

Nevertheless, I would be less than honest if I didn't say that there have been times lately, in which I have found myself really unhappy with how things are in my life. 

And it has little to do with my new role as a mother.  On the contrary, I think that as my daughter's first crazy year came to a close, so did a lot of my discombobulation around the identity change.  I am feeling more settled in my role as a mother and the transition itself feels solid.  It's also not about feeling burdened because I am a new mother with a young child.  Or feeling resentful of the things that I have given up to be present for her, both figuratively and literally.  Perhaps, if I was a younger mother, I would have more of those feelings.  But I waited so long and at this point in my life, I don't have those more restless type feelings that I associate with the spring-time of career development or the wishing for a nightlife or the like.

If anything, what I'm feeling now is a resurgence of longer-standing issues that were put 'on hold,' while the more pressing issues of the difficult pregnancy/difficult newborn moved to the fore.  And as the chaos and upheaval recede, I am finding myself squarely where I was before I became a mother.  And THAT is what is difficult for me to juggle.

As I've written before, I go in cycles and fits and starts, and when I become aware of these kinds of feelings of dissatisfaction with the way things are for me, I tend to want to look inside.  Try to figure it out.  Make a plan.  I find that adding some kind of structure (even going so far as to make a schedule or you know, those pie charts) is often what I am drawn to do.

I start by assessing what the problem is.  Why am I unhappy?  What is it that I need to make myself feel better?  [Aside: Although I have spent lots of time (and good cash money) in therapy, it has always been well-spent.  My experience with it is of having an additional, external brain working to help you solve your own problems. (Incidentally, I'd love to begin seeing my therapist again, I just am having trouble making it work childcare-wise.)]

Anyway.

For me, right now, it's about being somewhat isolated and reluctant to reach out.  I've spent way too much time in the virtual world, getting sucked into passively absorbing and neglecting things that really need to be done in my tangible one.  When I neglect (avoid) doing things that need to be done, I start to feel anxious and restless and it intensifies my wish to avoid.  Then there's the emotional eating, the lack of exercising and mindfulness.  A basic numbing out and lack of connectedness with things, with people, with myself. [Another aside: incidentally, when curbing emotional eating and trying to pay more attention, I find that these emotions tend to surface.  Which makes sense but it always is interesting to me that when I stop avoiding, things become clearer and often times, feel yuckier for a while.]

So, I took out that pie chart and I made a list of things that I need to do in order to feel better and more in balance.  The list was like so:

1. Make a plan/Add structure
2. Limit time on computer
3. Make a schedule (weekly/daily)
   
   1. Night yoga classes (2)
   2. Housework
   3. Blogging/writing/computer time
4. Read more
5. Reach out more socially

So, I'm going to give it a try.  What I usually end up doing is going to hell with the structure (like my over-thinky exercise plan) and using it for a while, until I am in a new pattern. 

So, we'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

Because Who Couldn't Use A Healthy Hump?

So, I'm thinking that Work It Wednesdays might be a better name than Health Kick Hump Day, which was, for real and true, the ONLY name that would come to me for the better part of a week.  We'll see.  I DO kind of like the sound of a Healthy Hump, though.  In a Beavis and Butthead kind of way.

I have so many thoughts jumbled up in my head about the structure of this thread of posts (as if you all wanted to read the NEUROSIS that goes along with the BORING HEALTH POSTS that you probably don't want to read anyway.  Except for Tessie, of course.)

I've thought a lot about fitness, healthy, balanced living and so there's a lot in there, I'm just not sure what's the best way to write it so it doesn't make you want to run screaming from your house.  Or job.  What-have-you.

Anyway.

I'm thinking that on Wednesdays, I'm going to write something about the journey, process, issues, blah blah, re: getting healthier.  I'm hoping that [I don't scare you all away] there will be some community-building.  That you will want to participate and share. 

Since you've got SO much extra time on your hands.

So, let's talk a little bit about what it will BE LIKE, wanna?

Okey dokey.  *clap-clap*

I am in a place I've been before.  Many things about me and my life go in Fits and Starts and health/fitness/balanced living is one of them (surprise.)  I've been able to maintain a semblance of fitness in my life, although during periods of intense stress, I tend to abandon any efforts to be healthy, maintain a good weight, etc. My exercise will wane and my ass will WAX, if you get my drift.

I'm planning on documenting, examining, confessing, discussing (and maybe commiserating) here on Wednesdays.  I'm going to return to the plan that has helped me regain a healthier lifestyle in the past.  Maybe it will be of interest to you.  To start off this thread of posts, I figured that I'd outline some of the basic principles that I'll be trying to focus on.  They apply to me but I'm writing about them as though we're in this thing together (because, you know, I'm hitting PUBLISH.)

Here's what I'm all about:

1.    Open communication (I'll be [cursing the F word a lot] saying what I'm thinking and so should you.  It'll be fun!  I swear!  (heh.  Get it?  I. SWEAR.)

2.    Positive, proactive exploration (I am looking forward and trying to keep a positive mental attitude.  I find that helpful. So, a positive place is good.  Not too cheery, though.  We want to motivate, not nauseate.)

3.    Learning about ourselves  (What makes you tick?  Why/how do you make your decisions?  What keeps you in a rut and/or what helps you get out?)

4.    Being kind to ourselves  (No signs on the fridge that say 'Stay out, FATSO!'  Very, very unacceptable to talk to us that way.)

5.    Developing our awareness to better suit ourselves and our lives (There's a lot to be said for getting and staying mindful about whatever you'd like to get/stay mindful about.)

6.    Planning and problem solving  (AKA: Being Prepared.  It's not just for Boy Scouts.)

7.    Motivation  (Being part of a group of people who are like-minded can be very uplifting and can give you a fresh perspective.  Inertia is key and motivation is the place to start.)

Here’s what I'm NOT all about:

1.    Catchy phrases or slogans (You won't find me spoutin' the one-liners.  They may be [good in a super corny way*] helpful to some but not really to me.  That said, if 'takin it one day at a time, lettin' go and letting' God, tyin' a knot and hangin' on, keepin' on keepin' on, keepin' your nose to the grindstone, no painin' no gainin' is all-what keeps you goin', have at it because, really, who am I to judge?)

2.    Being too hard on ourselves (I'm also not boot-campin' it here.  No beating yourself up for missing a day at the gym or eating too many cookies.  For my own purposes, I do much better when I'm nice to myself.  Not that it comes easy or naturally to me.  I'm just saying.)

3.    Being too restrictive  (No sun-warmed, sunflower-seed vegetable patties for me.  I'll pass on the Water-And-Air-Only diet also.  Not too many ways to make air satisfying.)

4.    One size fits all  (I know that what works for me may not work for you.  Various perspectives are welcome.)

5.    New-Age* [BS] Terminology(No offense meant to the followers of New-Agey kinds of thought.  I'm just saying that the home-made definitions of things that already exist?  I'm OVER that.  So, instead of 'Healing Vibrational Thought Waves,' I'm just going to call 'Positive Thinking,' ummm, 'Positive Thinking.')

6.    Self-Help* [BS] Terminology (See above.)

7.    Whining, moping, complaining, wallowing  (Pretty self explanatory, right?  I mean to say, YOU can feel free to be sad, mopey and complaining if you want.  I just don't think that you'd really want to come by here every Wednesday to read MY griping.  So, I'll try to [limit my whining to all of the other days of the week] keep it to myself.

Doesn't it seem like it's going to be FUN??

So, the funny picture is for Kayla and those like her.  Who are a f r a i d that they will cry over fitness talk.  Be brave, Kayla.  Check the kitty's guns.  Pyow!

*Seriously, no offense meant to one-liners, New Agers or Self-Helpers.  It's just not what helps me out in this kind of instance.