By The Time You've Finished Reading This Post, I Will Owe You For The Hour Of Therapy. You've Been Warned.

Ah, you guys.

I don't even know where to start. I've been struggling with Parenting Issues in my little [hidey hole] corner of the internet and it's been...a struggle. It's a teeter-totter-roller-coaster up in this piece and I debate even how much to write about it, since the internet is all PERMANENT and someday, my beautiful girl will be able to read and do internet searches and well, I wouldn't ever want her to stumble on something that would have her feeling like I didn't Like her all the time, even though, I feel like, well, like I don't Like her all the time.

Oh my word.

Seriously.

There's nothing that makes you feel more reptilian than admitting there are moments that you don't Like your own offspring.

And by you, I mean me.

This is a fairly new occurance around here, actually, but it's not at all new to me. I see it in my job occasionally. Worn-out, anxious, exasperated, parents of a child who has a 'Difficult Temperament' or other challenging behaviors will come into my office for help. They sit on the couch and discuss their child and his behaviors and list all of the books they've read and the techniques they've tried and the meetings they've had with school personnel, counselors, therapists, and doctors. They tell me about the frustrating, irritating, and even humiliating situations that have resulted from these behaviors. And what is abundantly clear, as they are talking and confiding and crying, is that they Love their child. That much is so obvious, it goes without saying.

But equally obvious, and almost always unspoken and (I imagine) carried in the pits of their stomachs like a stone, is the fact that they are having great difficulty Liking their child. And I'm not talking about the flash of anger or resentment that comes with the territory of your kid being an ass. I'm talking about an ongoing, chronic disconnection from feelings of fondness, tenderness, or anything else resembling a Warm Fuzzy.

And so it is for me, internet, these past few weeks. My girl, my feisty one, has always had a tough temperament. She is not terribly flexible. She is tenacious in all the most challenging ways. She is easily frustrated, sometimes anxious and overwhelmed. She needs about 748576 feet of personal space around her or she starts whacking people. She's a little wired and a lot sharp and likes to rattle cages. Kind of like her mother. Go figure.

The interesting thing about temperament is, objectively, there's no such thing as a difficult or easy temperament. They just are what they are, kind of like feelings. It's the context that decides what's easy and what's not, see. Parenting or teaching a flexible, regular, generally contented, movable child is just....easier. (And, uh, I know that from personal experience, as well.) I've always known this stuff about my girl. Re-reading that post I linked was a little mind-bending. It seems that Four is a recycled Two but with more vocabulary! And horse-power!

Without going into the grizzly gorries because, oh my holy hell, she's four years old and her worst isn't that bad, suffice it to say it's bad enough. Bad enough to make me feel like I'm standing off to the side and watching myself watching my kid. With no smile, no tenderness, no warm fuzzies. It feels cold and a little scary to be here at four.

I'm getting my wits about me and we've embarked on the latest round of lollipop rewards, sticker charts and positive reinforcement (all of which usually end up working for us). We've got family meetings and loving talks to counter-balance punishments and frank rage, fueled by my helplessness and fear.

I understand my own feelings pretty well. I know I'm not a reptile. I know it's a normal part of parenting and it waxes and wanes and that, if I'm feeling it, others are too, somewhere. Maybe, one day, I'll be on someone's couch, crying and listing and hoping it all comes out right enough to convey the intensity of my love for this kid.

Because it's like the blazing sun in the desert, you know.

It really is.

Comments

[Swistle]

Henry is the same age as TLNG, and he's a different temperament, but I am having many days when I feel like he is impossible. He is impossible to train, and/or I am not able to figure out how to train him, and he's irrepressible in the ways I would like to repress him. Like, just this second, he yanked on my glasses. I type that and it sounds small, but that is the one millionth destructively careless thing he's done today, and also he yelled "POOP" in the quiet library and grinned at me when I sharply rebuked him, and...I don't know. I don't know what my point is. I guess my point is that when I say "I can't believe I ____," it's so pleasant to hear "Oh, man, ME TOO."

Two years until kindergarten. And next year he goes to preschool, and I was telling the teachers about him and one of them said cheerfully "We've never met one we couldn't break!" and they both laughed merrily.

[Mama Bub]

Oh, God. I am so right there. We're just not getting through to one another. On days when I feel like I'm doing all of the right things, and he still acts so, so awfully I wonder if there's any hope. AND, if my husband says "It's just a phase," one more time, I may have to kill him in his sleep. I think it's all exacerbated by the fact that I don't really get mad at my one year old girl. We tell her "no" and we redirect her about a million times a day, but she's still a baaaaaybeee and he's a big boy. Even if I don't use those terms, I know that it comes through to him and then I feel like I'm probably the one who needs a time out.

Uh, I need this post?

[Mama Bub]

*Needed. I needed this post. I'm so worked up I can't even conjugate.

[Lora]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Several years ago, as I was putting my son to bed, he looked at me and said "Momma, I don't think you love me anymore. I was bad today." Damn near broke my heart. But I explained to him that I will always love him but I sure didn't like him that day. He seemed to understand but my heart sure hurt for quite a while after that.

[Amy Jo]

My daughter is the same age as TLNG, and we've been going through the same thing, on and off, for two years. It's so hard, and she can be so sweet, but she can also be so, so trying. Compounding the situation are my three other kids, who are amazingly easy going and cheerful, when she is all demanding and scowling.

It's like they're testing us or something. I think in the end, we'll pass. But HOT DAMN.

[The New Girl]

You guys, it's so good to hear your stories. I was freaking the fuck OUT when I hit publish and...no one commented.

ANYWAY.

I've wondered about my two kids' temperament differences and their gender differences and their age differences and I think that ALL those factor in somewhere. It certainly doesn't HELP that my son is at some freaky peak of cuteness and is Easiness personified.

[Laura Lou]

Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one. N is the same age as TLNG (2 days younger, actually), and is doing these exact same things. It's all his typical bad behavior turned up to 11 and without a break and it is breaking me. It doesn't help that we added a baby brother 9 weeks ago, so I don't have the mental energy or emotional control to do the kind of talk-intensive, consistent response parenting that he responds best to. It's to the point that I just don't want to be around him anymore, and it is so, so good to hear that I'm not alone. And yes, four is seeming a lot like recycled two, but with more vocabulary and strength.

[susan]

I'm not the only one, either! In fact, it seems as if there might very well be a sea of us "only ones"! Thank you so much for this post -- I needed to feel a little less alone after today's meltdown.

[The New Girl]

@Laura Lou: I never, ever, really lost it on my kid before I had a another baby. It was like a week or two after I came home from the hospital with my boy I LOST MY DAMNED MIND around my girl. It was the sleep deprivation and the hormones turning me crazy and her world being totally rocked turning her crazy.

I still feel a pang when I think of how it must have seemed to her. (She's forgotten that shit by now, though.) That period of adjustment was Hell On Earth for us for around a month or two but then everything settled for quite a while.

And notwithstanding some attention-seeking element to all of this shit that's hitting the fan now, she loves her kid brother a lot.

[a]

I have a very easy girl, and yet I still lose patience with her on a daily basis. I guess it's sort of fortunate that she spent approximately 5 months asking me if I loved her no matter what. Now that she's fairly confident in my love for her, she likes to tell me that I'm mean. I'm trying to find more entertainment in this because taking it personally would be devastating. Also, I noticed that I don't play with her as much or laugh with her as much, and that makes me sad. So I'm working on changing that too.

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

You are not alone. sometimes it is hard to like your kid. I feel awful when I feel that way but I guess it normal.

[Julie]

Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for letting me know that there are other parents you've helped carrying this guilt and misery of not liking your child you're supposed to adore.

I have three kids now. My oldest is perhaps the easiest child ever. Her teachers since age 18 months have commented on how exceptionally mature, empathetic, helpful, patient, and kind she is. She had one phase that lasted about 2 weeks when she was 2 where she threw about 4 fits and that, my friends, was it. Not bragging, just setting the stage. She's delightful to be with and at age 6, seriously, is one of my favorite people on the planet. I want to be more like her.

Enter: the brother. Now 4.5 years old. Every moment of every day feels like a fight. He'll demand he wants to do A, we'll help him get settled in to do "A", then he'll start wailing that we're so awful and mean for making him do "A" when he wants to do "B". Roll eyes, huff and puff, but eventually get out the materials to do "B" and immediately start wailing and screaming about wanting to do "C"....all. damn. day. He destroys almost everything he has. We've read a billion books and websites, moved to a completely dairy-free lifestyle (pain.in.the.butt) when he seemed to have dairy-related rages, and done all the attachment loving parenting stuff possible. And yet, I'm so over it. I resent how hard he's made our life. I am deeply angry at him for being such a freakin' pill all the freakin' time. I resent that we can't just go somewhere and do something without first considering all the thousands of issues that will almost surely arise when he has a meltdown at each opportunity.

And it makes me a terrible parent to him. All too often I've gone back over my day and realized that I've approached every conversation and interaction with him in a defensive tone. I greet our daughter with "hi sweetie! how are you today? What are you doing?" (smiles, warmth, interest) and him with "what?" (frown, clenched jaw, irritation). I assume positive intent with her at all times, and negative intent with him almost always.

Baby 3 is now almost 11 months old and is sunshine and rainbows or just delightfully grumpy; like a silly old man. I hate that our 4 year old can see how differently we respond to him and that I can't seem to get over my own issues and deal with him in a more mature and better way.

THANK YOU. I can't excuse myself, but I can at least forgive myself. Dropping the guilt makes it easier to move on with acting like a better grown-up.

[Stimey]

Clearly you are not alone. One of my kids threw a fit yesterday and I was ready to sell him for something close to 45¢. But God knows I love him. But yesterday? It was kind of tough to like him for a while there.

[amy]

If it helps, you sound exactly like I did 8 years ago, with my then four-year-old daughter. She was COMPLETELY 2-year-old times 2 (amen to the vocabulary and attitude amplified). And I have to agree, I had a hard time Liking my daughter back then. Suffice to say, I am absolutely amazed by her on a daily basis.

[Brenna]

If it helps, I've never met a four year-old that I've liked. And that includes my own (now)12 and (now)9 year-olds. And it's going the same way with my almost 4 year-old. Four is just awful. Don't worry, you'll like her again.

[Andrea]

I have two four-year-old girls (twins) and some days I feel as if I'm losing my mind! The rudeness, the defiance, the squabbling ... Maybe I'm expecting too much, but sometimes I just feel they should be past whatever sin they have committed that particular hour. My problem is more not liking myself at the moment, because I spend so much time yelling after telling myself firmly that I'm not going to yell - then the guilts come out. Because how can I expect more self-control of them when I don't seem to have it myself?

I hope 5 is better!

[Forgotten]

Ok. From the land of 4 year old twin boys with Autism and a 2 year old clingly little cute but evil girl single mommy, I pink puffy heart you. My mom and I have just now come to the point where she can tell me that she loves me but she doesn't like me much at the moment and I don't bawl. LOL I'm 30, BTW.

I have one son who is easy as air, he's mostly calm & rarely has meltdowns & shares his toys, etc. His brother is sometimes possessed, I'm sure of it but is much more cooperative with the following of the directions. Their sister? I need a pry bar to get her head out of my ass & that's putting it nicely. If I weren't at work right now, she'd be wrapped around my leg begging me to pick her up/ponytail her hair/find her toy/just generally hang off my leg. Makes me totally want my body back & my uterus removed. LOL

You just have to stop & laugh. Seriously. Laugh. Quit whatever you're doing & laugh like a maniac. It startles the crap out of the kids & makes them quit being a pain for a few minutes & makes you feel better all at the same time. :) Good luck, sweetie. We're here if you need us.