Maybe I'm From Crazy World. Because It Sure Feels Like It Sometimes.

I can't BELIEVE that it's been, oh, over a MONTH since I've posted. So, so, SAD, isn't it? I think at this point, I've basically re-virginated myself, in the blog-publishing sense.

Hey look, everyone! It's a brand new blog!

I vacillate between, 'Yes! I need to post and keep chug-chug-chugging along, until I get to a point where I can/will/want to/could post more often!' and 'Oh, holy mother of Whatever, what is the fucking POINT of all this?'

Is that weird? I don't think there has to be any Meta-Point to it all, really. Blogging, I'm saying. I can/will/want to/could write what I write, to have it down and to get it out and to put it out there and people can read it or not read it and it's all Cool and The Gang so, wtf? Right?

I've had this blog for a little over 4 years now and I've loved it, hard. I came out of the gate strong, even with a difficult pregnancy and a [crazy ass] challenging infant. I worked on posts and loved putting them together and hitting publish. The feedback and community were a bonus. A fantastic bonus that made the two trips to BlogHer, like, Trips, as in, 'It was a TOTAL TRIP to see these people in person. To hug them and eat cupcakes with them,' and all that. I read blogs and commented on blogs and kept up with what you were doing and what was happening in your lives.

I don't know.

After my second baby, I had less time. And more overwhelm. It was harder to read and harder to write. And the Waxing of the business side of blogging makes me feel a little...small. To be completely honest, the business of blogging is beyond me. And I mean that openly and without guile. I don't really understand how it works and it is beyond my scope to participate in it. I don't know my PR from my HR or my Advertisers from a hole in the ground. And while that is perfectly okay and I am infatuated with those who do--I feel a little...out of my depth when the latest Big Deal has to do with things of which I know not. If you can feel me. (This is total derailment, right here, folks. Get out now. RUN WHILE YOU CAN.)

When I started to write here, there were so many other bloggers who were anonymous. Almost all of them. As I write this today, I can think of only a few. Not that it's any big deal in the scheme of things but I think it's an indication of how things continue to morph and change, especially online, right? I blog as a hobby.

I'm a Hobblogger.

A Bloggbby.

Something.

It used to feel like I was a blogger with a secret identity as a therapist. I felt like I belonged to both worlds. I like to write and I like to commune. I want to tell you stories and hear/read yours. Sometimes I look at the accomplishments of people in this community. And I'm floored. I'm proud and I'm impressed and I'm amazed and I'm jazzed for them. With almost all of my heart.

But I would be being less than honest if I didn't admit that I sometimes feel like a fish out of water. I feel like my life is small. Not in the diminutive, not worth anything sense...I mean in the insular, kind of isolated sense. I'm not going to write books or be on morning television. I am not becoming famous or connected to famous people. This blog isn't a jumping off point. I am fine with that, forreal-forreal, it has just been making me feel kind of out of step, is all. And inside, with that little prickly piece of my heart, I kind of feel like I don't belong. Like this is another world, far away from mine.

This makes no sense at all. I'm rambling and fumbling. Probably because I'm all re-virginated.

I don't have a well-honed way to express what I'm feeling.

What I'm not feeling, though, is inclined to be misconstrued, so don't get it twisted. The people who are writing books and who are on morning tv and who are famous or connected to famous people, all through their blogs, are some of the people I like best in the whole world. As in, even outside the computer.

So, therapist world, blogger world, mother world, menopausal women world--whatever. I don't really know where I belong.

But here's a small truth: I am pretty uncomfortable writing a post that is all *Meta* about blogging and at the same time I really wanted to write this post, that was all *Meta* about blogging.

That, in a therapist's world, could be called a 'Dialectic Tension'.

Which sounds a whole lot better than a big bunch of 'I Should Have Cleaned The Bathroom Instead of Hitting Publish.'

Comments

[Erica]

I feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to blog if I'm not using it to get famous or be so witty I get book deals. And then I remember that I blog simply because I like it AND the people I get to "hang out" with because of blogging. I think it's ok that we don't want to be The Next Big Thing and just want to stay little fish.

I'll continue to read if you'll continue to write. Deal?

[Jessica]

I just read the blog of a friend's wife and it was all about the self marketing with NO substance. There were beautiful headshot type pictures of her and her kids and the about section was filled with logos of the local and national morning shows she had been on. When after 10 minutes I had still not read one thing I could relate to, I stopped. The majority of readers don't read because of popularity of a certain blogger (I don't think). I read because I can relate to what you write and I like how you write it. I should be cleaning the bathroom instead of reading or checking who has posted, but I can so much more easily deal with a dirty bathroom when I feel like someone else in the blog world is going through some of the same stuff I am. So thanks, I will read if you post, whether you are on TV or not.

[The New Girl]

@Jessica:
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it and I agree that people read blogs for the opportunity to relate.

I want to say this, though: The people about whom I'm speaking, the women I know and the ones I read--each one--is a woman of substance. They have substantially substantial substance. They are people who seize opportunity and work their asses off (neither of which I'm very good at, frankly) to create the success that they have and deserve.

I know YOU weren't saying that every accomplished blogger is without substance, I just wanted to clarify my thoughts on it.

Because I am from Crazy World. And we're CRAZY here.

[jodifur]

1. I miss you.

2. I've been blogging four plus years and also don't really do PR and I feel like lately, I have nothing left to say and am floundering.

[Clueless But Hopeful Mama]

The ebb and flow is normal, I think. I've been blogging for almost as long as you, I think, (wait, how long HAVE I been blogging? I don't even know!) and I've certainly gone through phases like this.

You're just having a mid-blog-life crisis, I think.

I will read whatever, whenever, you write. So write when you want to, don't when you don't. You've got a great writing voice and we'll still be here when you feel like sharing.

[Metacognitivethoughts]

I have been reading your blog for the last three years. It was one of the first blogs that I found. Not only have I been reading your blog, but I find that I can trust your recomendations. I have found so many other people out there writing through you. Thank you for your stories, for your reflections, for your humor, for your wit. There are times that I think its super well written and says exactly what I'm thinking/feeling at the moment. There are other times that I have laughed for days at things you have posted. And then there are times that it is both. I always look forward to your posts and will read what you have to write.

Thanks.

P.S. I love the word Hobblogger.

[Swistle]

I'll get things that almost feel like panic attacks of "WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS??"---often when I get confused by a Blogging Issue. The other day I joined LinkedIn in a big panic because OMG EVERYONE ELSE HAS LONG-SINCE JOINED AND I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO---and now I feel like a prime idiot, because I did it totally wrong (inadvertently sent "invitations" to EVERYONE I HAVE EVER EMAILED WITH, even though some of them sent me MEAN EMAIL and others of them I have ASKED TO REMOVE ME FROM THEIR MAILING LISTS) and I still don't know what it's for and OMG WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS??

And then, conferences. I read something about how a blogger MUST go to conferences, and first I thought "ALL RIGHT, I AM CONVINCED." And then I thought, "Wait. Is it TRUE, or is it more of the Blogging Machine Which Must Be Fed? Conferences make MONEY. Motivations for convincing people to go, and motivations to justify-to-self the money spent on them, ABOUND. OMG WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS??"

Also, I've felt recently like I've already written posts on every subject I have. I can keep people up to date on my Target purchases and small thoughts, but I don't feel like Composing a Post anymore---the way I used to feel, like working on an exciting paper.

And I get tired of coping with the feedback. The constant (though SMALL) percentage of commenters who feel the need to say unpleasant things anonymously. I find that when I DO start composing something, I get weary with the anticipation of the inevitable negative response. I KNOW those aren't supposed to be taken into consideration---but that doesn't stop me from taking them into consideration.

Anyway.

[The New Girl]

@jodifur I miss you, too.

@metacognitivethoughts Welp. That's about the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Thank you.

@swistle YES.

[Tessie]

There was a time, AS YOU KNOW, when I blogged nearly daily, and for the most part, it was effortless.

Then I started getting PR emails and offers for paid blogging jobs, and I just...pulled back. There were other reasons too, but I felt like I had inadvertently created something that had...gotten away from me.

I don't write very often anymore, and when I do it's not always funny or entertaining, it's more about my life, and about me being me. That's what I WANT my blog to be about, because what made the blogging thing so fun for me to begin with was just being myself, and having people enjoy that and relate to it. It's a confidence-booster when I don't always feel understood OUTSIDE the computer.

Anyway, point is, I totally get this, ME TOO, etc etc, and also I will NEVAH remove your blog from my Reader no matter HOW infrequently you write or what the topic.

[-R-]

I am jealous of the professional bloggers sometimes, even though I do not want to be a professional blogger. I don't really read any of the professional bloggers anymore because even though I'm sure they are great people, I don't really relate to it and I think it made me feel like I should be professional too. I like the smaller (mostly anonymous) blogs the best.

I do love reading your blog. And in random news, I bought 1-2-3 Magic this weekend just because you mentioned it a long time ago, and my husband and I both read it and are trying to implement it.

[Laura]

I just want to say that I love your blog - have ready every post you have ever published and I miss your amusing stories! I'll always read whatever you want to write whenever that may be!

[Sarahviz]

I feel much the same way about IT ALL, but I'm more wishy-washy in the sense that I hover in both camps - the non-PR anonymity and then the WANT to do more, be more, have more. So I do a little bit here and there, but still feel like I'll never be "enough". And then the big question is, "Enough to whom???"

UGH.

[Issa]

I feel like this often, although I post often. (not a dig at all, just well, I'm rambly.) I'm not anything more than a hobby blogger. Am a wee blogger in a big blogging world. And? I think I'm okay with it. I adore so many of those people who have found a way to do this as a career...but I think there is room for us here too.

[marty]

Oh boy, do I get this.

You know, if any of us knew what we were doing, we could make a button for "Hobblogers" and put it on our blogs.

Or not.

You have never left my blog reader. Some blogs come in and out of it with my whims - but you are always in.

[slouchy]

I'm still anonymous. And still small. Funny how that works.

Solidarity, sistah!