Flatlining.

I am searching for a pulse, here. Looking for the blog's corotid and trying to detect a trace of blood pumping through. Looking for a beating heart.

Is it...is it...dead?

There is no Blog 911. No emergency response team to resuscitate a blog. No code blue. No crash cart. No glooping mystery gel onto electro-charged paddles, charging up to whatever, --CLEAR-- BZZZZZT, regular sinus rythm, everyone breathing a sigh of relief.

There's just this vague feeling that the universe is organizing in a not-so-benevolent way. Organizing to create a vacuum, a black hole, into which all of my time and energy--creative and otherwise--is being sucked.

I'm going regularly to the gym again. I am working to keep up with laundry, dinner, laundry, dinner, housework. My kids have been sick no fewer than four separate times since the beginning of December. My son is the worst kind of mobile--upwardly, that is, climbing onto every horizontal surface, without regard to height. He is like a mini-tornado, only with a breakable head and so in addition to everything else, keeping track of him has become an even fuller-time job.

It sounds like I'm making excuses. It's not intended to be that. I'm not rationalizing. I'm...I don't know what.

Grieving, a little, maybe.

Bending my head down, ear to my blog's mouth, listening hard for its breathing, while I wait and hold my own.

Sliding my hand a bit down and in and yes, there it is, I found it. A pulse. Sluggish and weak and fragile.

I think it's going to be touch and go for a while, so let's don't get our hopes up.

Let's just be Cautiously Optimistic.

Whatever the hell that is.

 

Comments

[filiz]

its good...

[Emily]

I'm late to the party (I was trying to revive some sort of life into my blog as well!) but I have to second, third and quadruple what everyone else has said - I adore your blog and I'm (selfishly)not ready for it to go yet. I don't care if you post once a week or once a year I'm here for the long haul!

xoxoxoxo

[Kelly]

Honey, mine has flatlined so many times I've lost count. But I'll read you whether you post once a year or a dozen times. Live your life. It's okay.

(Also, I gotta give love to Swistle's comment.)

[Sarahviz]

Still here! Always.

[Kristen N/A]

I love reading your blog, even if you only post once a month. It keeps me connected to you, gives me a good laugh, and wishes I had a blog of my own.
I want to bite those beautiful kids of yours, hope I get to see them before they are teenagers. :)) Miss you

[Julie @ Mommy Said What?]

Have you seen this: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/killing-off-supermom.html? Ease up on yourself woman.

xoxo

[Issa]

I've been wondering the same thing about mine lately.

[sam]

It seems to me that you just put your hand inside the vag of your blog to feel its pulse. And it grossed my delicate pregnant self out a little. But at least it is alive. Now go wash your hands please.

[Marie Green]

I'll be here, for whenever it is that life settles down and you can be here too!

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I sometimes feel like my blog is my 4th child, but the one I keep locked in the attic and only feed when I feel like it.

Wait. That sounds really wrong.

But, I get it. I hope you don't go, but I get it.

[Backpacking Dad]

Do you know that you were one of the first ten blogs I ever subscribed to?

I'm cool. That means your blog is cool, because I have great taste.

I will never unsubscribe. Post as you wish.

[Swistle]

Maybe your blog is just at a sleep spa.

[jonniker]

I don't care if you post once a YEAR, you cannot kill off this blog. I look forward to it, and always check, just in case.

Don't do it. Don't leave us!

[Well Read Hostess]

If it slips into the sweet beyond, maybe you could get it a nice plot next to my blog's? Because I feel every day that I'm headed there, too.

[Amanda]

I'll take you in 140# increments if I have to. xoxo