The New Girl

The Slackerest Halloween Crafts EVER.

So, on Twitter I've been posting pics of some of the [lame-ass] quick & dirty Halloween Crafts that I've been doing with TLNG.  Cara Mama asked if I would mind sharing the 'How To' of the Notorious Ghosts, Spooky House and Glitter Pumpkin.

And so, here we are. 

There are a few things you should know before we get started.  1) I am a half-assed crafter. At absolute BEST.  2) I made these crafts with a 3 year old. 3) I made them without the intention of posting a 'How To' and so there is no real photo-documentation of a step-by-step nature, which would seem to be the bare minimum requirement of a for-real craft post (see Number 1.)

The key to doing almost any [half-assed] craft with kids is knowing and respecting their developmental level-slash-attention span.  Trying to do too much or something too complicated usually ends in tears of frustration (yours) and time outs (theirs. Or, maybe yours too.)  For a 3 year old, I'd say 10 minutes TOPS, with the task being simple-like.  Even pre-making things for the kid to assemble and embellish works well, too.

M'kay.

The Notorious Paper Towel Ghost Slacker-Craft

Materials:
Newspaper or other kind of paper
Paper towels (or tissue or square pieces cut from an old sheet--which would cut down on the half-assedness, though, so do that at your own risk.)
Tape (or yarn or string)
Permanent marker
Thread (or yarn or string)

Process:
1) Wad up a little ball of newspaper.

2) Wrap paper towel or tissue around it and use tape or yarn or string to tie it off, underneath the 'head' of the ghost.

3) Let your kid get her grubby mitts on the Sharpies, like she is always DYING TO DO, to make a spooky face (or a nice one! Ghosts can be nice too! Crazy-skerrd of everything 3 year olds will tell you that! REPEATEDLY!)

4) Tie a piece of thread around the neck and to the back of the ghost head and then use tape to fasten it wherever. (You don't need to tape it up the back of the head if you want them to dangle from the ceiling but it will keep them 'upright' against a window or whatever.)

They look a little spooky this way...BoooooOOooOoOOOoOOooo!

 

The Spoooooky House Slacker-Craft

This one came about because after the ghosts, my kid said, 'Why don't we have a Spooky House for the window, Mommy?'

'....'

So I looked on The Internet for 'Spooky House Template' and got one to [copy from] inspire me.

Materials:
Black, yellow & green construction paper
Scissors or exacto knife
Tape
Glue stick

Process:
1) Use pen to [copy] approximate the outline of the Spooky House.  Keeping in mind (as all half-assed, slacker-crafters will) that the lines on the Spooky House are not meant to be straight. So, your usual [crooked as hell] eyeballing it will be fine. NO NEED FOR A STRAIGHT-EDGE!! (The Call of the Slacker-Crafter.)

2) Using the side of one scissor blade (or an exacto) cut out the window parts. Use the scraps to cut out a few [blackbirds. bats. blackbirds.] bats.

3) Layer the green under the black and tape on.

4) Layer the yellow behind the black so it shows through the openings. Cut a big rounded top, to look like the moon.

You can see how [fookackt it is] it's just layered. And crooked.

5) Glue-stick (Or half-ass tape, like I did) on the [Blackbirds. Bats. Blackbirds.] bats and tape the whole shebang, face-out, onto your window.

  Come Eeen. If you dare. MMwwwaahahahahaaa!

 The (Actual Real Craft) Glitter Pumpkin (AKA: Bastardized Martha Stewart for 3 year olds.)

This one made me LOL. I happened to watch a 4 minute On Demand 'Glitter Pumpkin Craft' clip from Martha Stewart.  My kid said, 'Mommy, can we do what that woman did?'  She even remembered the directions.

So, how is a Half-Assed Crafter supposed to say no to THAT?

We got some fancy-ass glitter and we used the pumpkin that she *picked* at her preschool.

Materials:
A Fuck-ton of Fancy-ass glitter (or, you know, a fuck-ton of regular glitter) of your kids' color choice.
Cookie sheet lined with paper
Paint brushes
Disposable bowls
School glue (in one of the bowls)
Acrylic Paint for stem (I used old ass acrylics that were laying around.)
Small pumpkin

Process:
1) Put the pumpkin on the cookie sheet (Martha said to never pick it up by its stem but TRUST, we used that bitch like a HANDLE) and brush school glue* on half the pumpkin.  Use a teaspoon to scoop glitter (out of another bowl) and sprinkle it all over the glued area.**

*I gave her a brush for [smearing the fuck-all out of the glue] spreading the glue and I used my brush to wipe the glue trail off her brush and to even out the glue she [smeared the fuck-all-OVER] applied.

**I turned the pumpkin around and around and up and down to present her with 'holes' for her to 'sprinkle' (read: dump entire contents of spoon directly DOWNWARD.)

2) Wait for that half to dry. (I did a pre-bought easy crafty to do in between, I KNOW.)

3) Repeat on the other side.

4) Wash your glue brushes.

5) When it's reasonably dry, get a little acrylic paint (a darkish color) and put it in a bowl. Dip the brush in and paint the stem.  (This step might be optional but it really makes it look pretty.)

 

.

 

YOU ARE WELCOME WOULD-BE HALF-ASSED SLACKER CRAFTERS!

Happy Halloween

 

 

In This Video, The End Is The Only Part Worth Watching.

It is in silhouette because The Man didn't turn on the light before he started shooting.  The subject is TLNG [totally doing some Fucking Evil Mastermind bed time stalling] busting out one of her nightly *dances* for us before she retires to bed.

It's only 20 seconds of dark, ill-framed, jiggling-camera nonsense.

But you Absolutely Must watch until the end.

Because, it's like the title says.

I suppose it could be just me who finds this hilarious.

But if you don't find it at least a little amusing, I don't know that we can be friends.

Go Ahead, Kid. Go On Ahead.

She said this to me while I was anchored in one bathroom (ahem) and she wanted to go and brush her teeth in the other.  I asked her to wait for me because she can't turn on the water by herself. 

She said, 'It's okay, Mommy,' and then she hooked her little pointer finger around her body, aimed it toward the other bathroom, 'I'm gonna go ahead.'

And then she took off.

I had a momentary flash of panic, thinking about her eating the toothpaste, or emptying the soap dispenser or massaging the hair conditioner into her skin or any of the other bazillion things she does [for no fucking sensible reason] while experimenting in her environment. When I finished my business (ahem) I followed her into the other bathroom to find her standing on her stool, trying to squeeze the last of the kid toothpaste onto her brush.

She is no stranger to the impulse to do things by herself.  But then again, what kid isn't? Do you know a mother of a toddler who hasn't heard, 'NO! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!'? 

One of the things I found most amazing about having a baby was how...automatic the development was.  How the natural drive to watch and learn and grow and do just..unfolds, for the most part.  How I didn't have to *teach* my kid to use a fork because she saw US using forks and so wanted to use them too.  (My son is doing this now and for whatever reason, it STILL blows me away that he knows what to do with a fork and attempts to use one at every meal.)

As my daughter has gotten older, the tasks are bigger, more complicated (read: frustrating,) with actual repercussions for failed attempts (read: giant messes and/or minor injuries.)  She wants to 'help' me cook or sweep or pour things.  She wants to dress herself or carry her own things down the steps instead of hold the railing.  She wants to undress and bathe herself.  Shit like that.  Despite my ongoing fascination with the process of her development and my admiration of her growing independence, it isn't always as easy to embrace her wish to 'mix the eggs' as it was for me to hand her a fork.

But I really try to do it.  I try, as best I can and as often as is practical, to give up control of the universe...her universe, I'm saying.  I believe it's important to let her pick and choose, to let her help, let her do and try and spill and tear.  To let her tape and clean and fix what's she's broken or spilled or torn.

For whatever reason, it's not extremely difficult for me.  Perhaps it's my age (ahem) or the fact that in my profession I practice giving up (the illusion of complete) control to the children with whom I work, in an effort to help them to help themselves.

Recently, I experienced my first-ever parent/teacher conference.  It was a 'Listening Conference,' during which I was supposed to tell the teacher my goals for my daughter.  It was so hard for me to refrain from bombarding the teacher with questions, I can tell you that.  At some point, when we were discussing my girl's difficult transition, she said this:

'This first time away from home, it's harder for mothers than it is for the kids.  It's hard for moms who are used to knowing every single thing about their kids lives, to have them go out into the world.'

Without really thinking it through, I responded:

'Not for me, it's not.'

I went on and softened it up, a little.  I didn't want to sound like a total contrarian.

Or a reptile. 

It's just that...well, it's not more difficult for me than it is for her.  At least not for this two-day-a-week-preschool experience.  I don't know why other than--like I said, maybe my age. Maybe my temperament.

Or maybe it's that I'm still fascinated by it. Fascinated by her. By who she is becoming.

Pulling into the pick-up circle and seeing her grimace and pat a neighbor's arm because the little girl is crying for her own mommy is like watching one of those time-lapse photographs of the blossoming of a rose.

I hope that there will be more than enough time for me to ache over her hurt feelings I'm not able to fix or to get upset about the mean girls at her lunch table or to want to let the air out of her cheating boyfriend's tires. 

For now, I am just utterly captivated--watching her spin out into the world, sparkling like she does, shining cut-crystal rainbows everywhere.

I Only Have 40 Seconds To Post. In Other Words, It's a 19 Second Video.

Well. HERE'S why I haven't had any time to blog.

Not really.

But kind of.

Forgive my totally trashed house. 

But Look!

(I have no idea where the sound went. I was, as per my usual, annoying and loud.)

Mr. Walker.

I'm thiiiiiiinking, maybe Baby Frankenstein for Halloween?