Go Ahead, Kid. Go On Ahead.

She said this to me while I was anchored in one bathroom (ahem) and she wanted to go and brush her teeth in the other.  I asked her to wait for me because she can't turn on the water by herself. 

She said, 'It's okay, Mommy,' and then she hooked her little pointer finger around her body, aimed it toward the other bathroom, 'I'm gonna go ahead.'

And then she took off.

I had a momentary flash of panic, thinking about her eating the toothpaste, or emptying the soap dispenser or massaging the hair conditioner into her skin or any of the other bazillion things she does [for no fucking sensible reason] while experimenting in her environment. When I finished my business (ahem) I followed her into the other bathroom to find her standing on her stool, trying to squeeze the last of the kid toothpaste onto her brush.

She is no stranger to the impulse to do things by herself.  But then again, what kid isn't? Do you know a mother of a toddler who hasn't heard, 'NO! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!'? 

One of the things I found most amazing about having a baby was how...automatic the development was.  How the natural drive to watch and learn and grow and do just..unfolds, for the most part.  How I didn't have to *teach* my kid to use a fork because she saw US using forks and so wanted to use them too.  (My son is doing this now and for whatever reason, it STILL blows me away that he knows what to do with a fork and attempts to use one at every meal.)

As my daughter has gotten older, the tasks are bigger, more complicated (read: frustrating,) with actual repercussions for failed attempts (read: giant messes and/or minor injuries.)  She wants to 'help' me cook or sweep or pour things.  She wants to dress herself or carry her own things down the steps instead of hold the railing.  She wants to undress and bathe herself.  Shit like that.  Despite my ongoing fascination with the process of her development and my admiration of her growing independence, it isn't always as easy to embrace her wish to 'mix the eggs' as it was for me to hand her a fork.

But I really try to do it.  I try, as best I can and as often as is practical, to give up control of the universe...her universe, I'm saying.  I believe it's important to let her pick and choose, to let her help, let her do and try and spill and tear.  To let her tape and clean and fix what's she's broken or spilled or torn.

For whatever reason, it's not extremely difficult for me.  Perhaps it's my age (ahem) or the fact that in my profession I practice giving up (the illusion of complete) control to the children with whom I work, in an effort to help them to help themselves.

Recently, I experienced my first-ever parent/teacher conference.  It was a 'Listening Conference,' during which I was supposed to tell the teacher my goals for my daughter.  It was so hard for me to refrain from bombarding the teacher with questions, I can tell you that.  At some point, when we were discussing my girl's difficult transition, she said this:

'This first time away from home, it's harder for mothers than it is for the kids.  It's hard for moms who are used to knowing every single thing about their kids lives, to have them go out into the world.'

Without really thinking it through, I responded:

'Not for me, it's not.'

I went on and softened it up, a little.  I didn't want to sound like a total contrarian.

Or a reptile. 

It's just that...well, it's not more difficult for me than it is for her.  At least not for this two-day-a-week-preschool experience.  I don't know why other than--like I said, maybe my age. Maybe my temperament.

Or maybe it's that I'm still fascinated by it. Fascinated by her. By who she is becoming.

Pulling into the pick-up circle and seeing her grimace and pat a neighbor's arm because the little girl is crying for her own mommy is like watching one of those time-lapse photographs of the blossoming of a rose.

I hope that there will be more than enough time for me to ache over her hurt feelings I'm not able to fix or to get upset about the mean girls at her lunch table or to want to let the air out of her cheating boyfriend's tires. 

For now, I am just utterly captivated--watching her spin out into the world, sparkling like she does, shining cut-crystal rainbows everywhere.

Comments

[Emily]

Oh TNG I love you. This is such a gorgeous post and I really get it. I've only seen the beginnings of this - the sudden ability to use a spoon or a cloth or hell, the other day, WALK! It seems so natural and yet so amazing. Your illusion of the time-lapse photo is absolutely spot on. xoxo

[Forgotten]

Oh hun. You always make me think. I need to stop trying to make sure there is less of a mess and just let them try themselves. It's my controlling side. I can't decide if it's more work to clean up the mess than it is to do it all by myself. It's all so much work and when you're doing it by yourself, its just so hard some days to quit worrying about all the work and just be in the moment. I have to turn some of it over to them one day, don't I?

[Amelia Sprout]

I think this is what three is all about. I love it. I love seeing her be her own person, completely. I'm so stinkin' proud of her. Even when she drives me crazy. She's a caring kid who makes sure her friends are OK, and she is always willing to help me with things. Other than the non stop talking thing wearing me down, I love this age.

[Swistle]

I have HUGE trouble letting my kids do new things, because OMG they will make a mess and I will have to teach them how and SIGH it will be frustrating, and it will be easier and faster to do it myself! And then as soon as they do it, I'm all, "OMG WHY DID WE NOT DO THIS A MILLION YEARS AGO?? I LOVE THIS."

[Christine]

I could not agree more. People go on and on about how much they miss their babies but I am loving the three year old person that is developing over here. But, as a previous poster said, she is my oldest. We'll see how I feel when its my youngest.

[Amanda]

That's beautiful. I'm gonna go watch my kid unfold like a flower now. That was nice to read after a long day of substitute teaching. Thanks.

[Lori in Iowa]

It is fascinating to me too. Sometimes (annoying) people will ask me what I do all day as a SAHM. Isn't it boring? Hell no. I get to watch my babies all day/every day become PEOPLE. Fascinating, wonderful people and I think it's amazing.

I go crazy at least once a day too, but I would not give up these moments for anything.

Whenever I stop by your blog I always think "YES. She gets what I'm thinking!"

[Issa]

I think watching who they become is so neat.

I want to slow it down a tiny bit though. My oldest is almost nine. But dam, she's becoming such an amazing young person. I can see the woman she will be one day, in some ways and I love it.

Random though? My least favorite line out of my son right now is: MINE DO IT!!! Sigh.

[Julie @ Mommy Said What?]

Thank you. Thank you for reminding me about the beauty, the magic and the fascination at a time where I'm stuck in the dregs.

Thank you.

[The Domestic Goddess]

Sigh. I'm still adjusting to their transition into school. Come January it will be FIVE YEARS since I put my baby on a bus for the first time and i wasn't happy about it.