Either/Or.

It seems, these days, that it's either read or write.  It's either go out and do an activity with the kids or clean the house.  It's either grocery shop and return the library books or get the laundry started (it's never, ever, finished, am I right?)  Eat pudding out of the carton and watch an episode of The Wire or work out. Return phone calls and emails or spend 10 minutes on Twitter.  Chase my kids around or run the vacuum.  You get it, I'm sure.

Life these days is a never-ending string of reminders that my time and patience are finite and my skills at multi-tasking are abysmal.  I've got so much to do and yet so much of it seems...what's the word?  Repetitive.  Endless.  Ongoing and ongoing. Putting the toys away and vacuuming up the gross bits of rawhide today, only to have to do it again [whenever I can get to it again] tomorrow.  Washing. Drying. Folding. Washing. Drying. Folding. Washing and forgetting it's in the washer because omfg HOW CAN THERE BE MORE LAUNDRY?!  Scrubbing the toilet but foregoing the sink and tub because here comes the baby with an eye for the spray nozzle.

And so, when I look around, I see failure.  It's never as clean as it could be--or feels like it should be after working on it.  I'm losing tons of readers because I don't post regularly (and, then, you know--post THIS kind of crap.)  My car is a mess, my house is a mess, my bills are disorganized and I am still sporting extra poundage.

I'm caught up on The Wire, though, and in case you were wondering: It's Kick-Fucking-Ass.

We all have choices, this I know. I'm up to my ass in teaching this very thing to my now-preschooler.  Any dissatisfaction I have with the way things are is a direct result of my own decisions, and maybe even more so, my allowing my focus to fall where it does.  How I am perceiving things right this minute.  Seeing the fail, instead of seeing the progress.  Peering too long into negative spaces isn't healthy for me.

That's an Either/Or, too.

Right?

The other day, I painted my little girl's fingernails and toenails with a bright pink nail polish that she got me for my birthday.  I painted my toenails the same color, at her request. I am acutely aware those days are so very, very fleeting.  I already see in her face the shadow of a first-grader.  A middle schooler.  A pre-teen.  I see the long limbs and the training bras and the rolling eyes that are sooner rather than later headed my way. 

So, it might do to try and wrench my gaze from the negative space and focus on what's actually in the picture.  Toys on the floor, for sure.  Gross bits of rawhide, too.

But, man, those little pink fingernails could kill you from the cute.  And who's looking at my carpets anyway?

 

 

 

Comments

[Julia]

OMG...how i can relate to everything you say here...and i love how you say it-raw & honest & real.

Found you through the comment you left on my blog this morning (on Lori's post)and just stopped by for a visit. I'm glad i did--i feel much less alone with that damn, overflowing, endlessly dirty laundry!

Julia

[The Domestic Goddess]

I don't see failure. I just hear in my head what my Grandmother told me shortly before she succumbed to her illnesses. "No one on their death bed ever wishes they cleaned the floors one more time. They always wish they spent more time with their family."

Just sayin'.

[Overfed Annie]

I know. I know. I feel like a superhero today because I managed a shower.

It only happened because I did nothing else that could be called productive, AND we had to push the breakfast dishes to one side of the table to make room for the lunch ones. Which by the way are still there too.

But hang in there! We're all in this together and we love you!

[Forgotten]

When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember the carpet or the fuzzies or the dishes, I remember my mom brushing my hair and braiding it for the third time that day because I kept catching it on my crazy bracelets that she let me wear even though they were way too big for my arms and my hair had to be perfect. (OCD, I'm sure.)

I remember my mom digging in my dad's toolbox and telling me not to tell him so she could find the "good hammer" and a "pretty nail" to hang my picture from school that I made for her up on the wall.

I remember her letting me "help" her fold laundry, even though all I really wanted to do was cover myself with warm towels straight from the dryer.

I remember "looking beans" with my dad before we put them in the crockpot and then having a finger football game on the table with the bad ones when we were done. I don't remember the vacuuming (unless you count the time we caught the cat's tail in it) or the tiems the house was spotless.

It won't be important tomorrow. Enjoy the time with your babies because it flies by way too fast.

[Jordan True Flight]

"Everything is absolutely" - Michael Jordan. Genuine jordans, with special big clients are our god's management idea, we launched this month in the price is absolutely let you buy the cheapest names in history.

[Emily]

I'm so there but this was a great reminder to me that Maisie's more important than the floor. Its hard sometimes when you compare life now to life pre-kids (seriously I could've cured cancer with all the time I had on my hands) but those either/or comparisons kinda miss the whole experience side of things - the painting of nails and the unexpected cuddles.

[Nic Dempsey]

I don't even have kids and I feel like this all the time. I reckon the children will remember the 'nail polish moments' not the state of the carpet. Hang on in there..

[lora]

I feel exactly the same way. My house hasn't been clean since you guys were over for supper. My subscribers are down to like 3. One of them is me, the other is my mother. The third is a weirdo who I don't really want there anyway.

[Christine]

I miss your posts! I know where you are coming from. Once my second child turned one I started reclaiming my life. She is almost 18 months now and I am beginning to find the joy in all of this on a daily basis. I am feeling so much better, taking better care of myself was the first step.

[Christy]

Either/or sums it up. Organized housekeeper or not, the laundry keeps coming, and the floor always needs sweeping. The fleeting days sometimes have me in a panic. My oldest two are already in 4th and 2nd grade. My baby, who was just born, is two. How did that happen?

You're still in my reader, so I know when you post :)

[shriek house]

This is so totally my life. There is a lot of repetitive drudgery. A. LOT. I try to remember what my Dad always says though, that when I'm on my deathbed I won't be wishing I'd spent more time cleaning. So I shoot for the balance of reasonably clean house / engaged with kids / fulfilling personal stuff (see: Twitter, wine, etc). But "shoot for the balance" kind of means pinwheeling flailing arms trying not to fall down. You know.

[Alexis M]

Try Flylady. She might be able to help with the organization lack of time. http://www.flylady.net/

[Manic Mommy]

I have, just in the past month, come to terms with being a SAHM. It'll be four years next month! It's HARD!! And the ROI doesn't come until they're grown, finished with college *and* grad school, making a difference in the world and engaged to someone 'worthy' of them. I have a horrible time not judging myself by the dust in the corners and the never-ending procession of laundry.

You painted her nails. And on some level you were aware of the pleasure you and she were taking in it. That's enough for right now.

[Laura Lohr]

I relate so much to this post. Completely, I am afraid.

[Jessica]

Man- This is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now. It gives me chills it is so right on. I am trying to enjoy the fact that my son crawled to me without chastising myself for the crazy rug of dog hair on his sweat pants when he gets there. How does that happen? I JUST vacuumed! oh wait, that was three days ago.

Hang in there. You are not losing this reader.