The Great Temper Experiment.

I don't remember exactly what it was that pushed the point home, finally.  Pushed it in far enough for me to act on my realization.  I had an epiphany for sure, though.  (An Aha Moment, if you're partial to Oprah-speak.)  The way that it usually works for me is this: I suddenly realize something that I've known for a long time, even maybe forever.  It's like, in an opportune moment, I really see this thing.  I see it clearly and in a way that is sudden and complete.  Like lightening striking.

How am I supposed to teach my daughter to stop screaming and yelling when she's angry, if I'm all the fucking time screaming and yelling when I'm angry?

Bzzzzt.

I have long thought that my yelling and carrying on (in the parenting realm) was related to my own upbringing and an innate lack of patience.  But included in this Not-Too-Comfortable epiphany was this, here:

It's not Lack of Patience.  It's Lack of Impulse Control.

Bzzzzzzt. Bzzzzzzzt.

When the realization hit me that my ever-increasing-in-frequency episodes of over-the-top, in-the-fucking-red-zone, aggressive-yelling were, indeed, were more about a lack of impulse control than anything else, something in me clicked.  

Initially, it was more than a little humiliating, actually.  I can only surmise that is why it stayed outside my conscious thought process for such a long time.  But a few moments after that, it started to sink in. I was impulsively acting out my anger.  And that, I needed to fix.

So, I started with a decision.  A decision that will, no doubt, sound absolutely crazy to some of you but what can I say?  It's what I did.

I decided that the following day I was just...not going to act angry.  Even if I was.  I went from thinking that in order to have fewer angry incidents, I would have to do the hard-if-not-impossible work of cultivating more patience (HA!) to deciding that even if I was pissed off, I was going to deal with it internally.  I was not going to act angry.

Or, more like it, I was going to act 'not angry,' even when I was*.

As a therapist, I am incredibly adept (most often) with keeping my own feelings to myself.  It is a skill that I have honed over the years.  I'm actually very good at it.  For me to have a feeling and act on it impulsively, professionally, would be unheard of.  I am able to compartmentalize and stash away my own feelings for my later examinations.  I mean, I worked through two hard pregnancies and the death of my mother, all the while attending to the needs/feelings/problems of my patients when I was at work.

It's not a giant stretch to bring some of that talent to bear with regard to keeping in check my anger at my 3 year old kid.  

So, I don't remember what it was that flipped the switch but I remember when it was.  It was June 17th.  It was a Thursday and I was in the doctor's waiting room with my dad, looking at some parenting magazine with a bullshit(ish) article on 'How To Get Your Kids To Listen Without Ever Having To Endure A Tantrum EVER,' when the lights came on in my head. 

And I made my decision to Act 'As If.'

The basic premise being that, initially, I would 'act as if' I wasn't angry, allowing my brain to burn some new neural pathways so that eventually, I really wouldn't be angry at stuff that didn't need to make me angry.

I started that day and have been doing it every day since.

Here are a few things I've found so far:

1)  It was easier than I thought it would be.  Once I made that decision to act in a certain way, regardless of internal, emotional experience, it gave me a framework, I think.  Something concrete to do instead of flip my shit.

2)  There were many, many times that I wasn't even really, truly angry.  My anger wasn't, isn't, *real* anger.  Not the kind of anger that is founded on some reasonable action/reaction loop, anyway.  It's an impulsive, angry reaction, out of proportion to the situation at hand.  Given 3.4 seconds, I was able to chill and realize that she's just testing or testing or possibly even testing.  Like 3 year olds are supposed to do.  In fact, if I'm totally honest, I found myself 'trying to teach the importance of certain points' via the angry tone and scowl.  As if.

3) Me simmering the fuck down, in an of itself, helped her to simmer the fuck down.  Of course, it stands to reason that when your mother is visibly angry and yelling that you, as a kid, will feel...a lot of intense emotions.  I did a little thinking about-slash-remembering-slash-realizing how I used to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from laughing (LAUGHING!) in my screaming mother's face.  It is counter-intuitive maybe, but I found that when there was less anger from me, there was more compliance from her (which, I imagine, is due to less anxiety and impulse to be oppositional when a stark line is drawn.)

4) The Out of Proportion Angry Responses were cyclical in nature, creating a counterproductive loop and also a larger pattern of communication.  Disrupting that cycle, that loop, that pattern, has resulted in a more peaceful cycle, loop, pattern and house.

5) There are benefits to slower, longer reactions. It was an unforeseen outcome that, while trying to keep in an impulsive action, I was slower to react and thus, took a little more time to work things through.  This afforded me some opportunities to actually negotiate and stay places vs. cutting and running when TLNG was acting up.

If I were a math person, I'd be able to calculate for you a percentage of reduction in episodes of Out of Proportion Anger but in my 'just-eyeballing it' kind of way, I'd say it's been nothing short of stunning.  They say that to make a new behavior a habit takes a good 6-8 weeks.  And we're close to that.  I've had slips and I'll continue to have them, I'm sure. 

Some days are harder than others.  But it's so much easier to recognize and regroup.

And it makes me feel much, much nicer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*It may go without saying but I'm going to say it anyway, just in case.  I'm not talking about not expressing valid or justified anger/upset.  I'm not even talking about not expressing annoyance or frustration.  I'm talking about a certain level of pissivity, an impulsive acting out of a rush of exaggerated anger.  It's hard to define it, really, as it's all on a continuum.  I know it when I feel it, though.

Through this experiment, I've found that expressing even my legitimate anger/frustration/whatever in a calmer, quieter way gets better results. Makes a better loop. It's a work in progress, I suppose.  I share it as another way of working through. And to close a circle.  If you have questions or comments, I welcome them.  Don't be shy. It's not like I'm going to FLIP OUT at you. HA HA HAAAA!

Comments

[Amelia Sprout]

Seeing as it is not "real" anger, then there is no concern about it being bottled up only to explode later. However, I would venture a guess and say that you may still want to be careful about that one. Speaking from experience. My suggestion, chanel any left over frustration in to the working out. Two birds, one angry pissed off stone, so to speak.
I used to yell a lot more than I do. Maybe M just passed to an age where she has some better communication skills, but there is a lot less yelling. It has seemed to coincide with my running more. Related, perhaps.

[The New Girl]

@Amelia: Oh, I can so see how it looks that way. I can't really articulate the difference very well yet but it totally feels different, than say, keeping anger at the husband bottled up inside. It's more like controlling the (temporary) impulse to say something hurtful vs. the actual expression of true anger/frustration, if that makes sense. It doesn't stay in there afterward, most times.

If it does--then I address it with her but in a calmer/more reasonable tone of voice. Like, when she hits me or tries to pour water on her brother's head in the bath, for instance.

It's more like keeping a poker face when angry than it is eating the actual anger. I don't know. Clear as mud.

[Tessie]

I think it was a blog post by someone who had read that Scream Free Parenting book that first made me have a similar ephiphany. If I don't (EVER) lose my shit at WORK, then I must be able to do it at home too.

I also like the idea of thinking of it not as patience, but impulse control. Because patience is sort of a...personality trait, whereas impulse control is more of a maturity/character issue. Oof. Ouch on that one (for me). Good stuff.

[Erica]

Are you living in my house? Did we have the same childhood? GAH!

My mom was totally a Yeller and, consequently, so am I. And I'm doing my part to perpetuate the cycle and raise yet another Yeller. Yea for me. : /

As a matter of fact, I actually yelled at my daughter to "STOP YELLING ALREADY!" because she was going to wake up her brother. Um, mixed signals, anyone?

So, thanks for this timely post and the side of guilt.

[The New Girl]

@Tessie: I have never read that book, I should check it out. I agree with you about personality trait vs. maturity. I also think of impulse control as more specifically behavior-based, which seemed to make it more concrete for me. I could spend years pushing the Lack of Patience boulder up the proverbial hill or I can just...not yell when I feel the urge. DUH. lol.

OR, PS, not eat the cake when I want to. whamp whamp.

[Alias Mother]

I think I made the same decision a while back. I say "I think" because I was talking about it differently (um...to myself), but it worked the same. Right after my son was born and my daughter was experimenting with being very, very two, I found myself screaming at her, like, daily. Multiple times a day. We'd have moments where we'd just be screaming at each other. And then one day I felt the anger rising and I thought, "You know what? I'm not going to fight with a two year old." And I stopped fighting, pretty much. I still have days when I let her get me wound up, but for the most part just repeating, "I will not fight with a two year old" gets me refocused. And, yes, she is more compliant because I'm not feeding into her hysteria.

I never processed what I was doing, but I think it's the same thing. I can't change my reaction, but I can change how I express that reaction.

If I keep this shit up I'm going to turn into a grown-up.

[The New Girl]

@aliasmother & @erica: I didn't have many those red-level freak outs until my son was born and I was sleep deprived, hormonal and just overall more stressed.

The slips that I've had since starting have been after a couple consecutive nights' worth of shitty sleep. I notice, too, that when the baby is whining or fussing or crying, I have WAY LESS tolerance for any shit my daughter is pulling right at that moment.

[a]

Sometimes easier said than done...but worth the effort. I have a hard time redirecting myself from the issue at hand. I want it settled. Learning to distract and redirect my daughter (and myself) has been difficult. I could probably apply the same lessons to dealing with my husband, as he is just like my daughter. Hmmm...

[mom,again]

I made a similiar decesion, but years later I realized it was more of a back track.

As a kid, I learned you couldn't out mad my father, and it was dangerous to try. I learned a lot of things weren't worth showing anger over. (as an adult, perhaps there are times I've taken that too far, but that's a seperate issue.)

As a parent, for a while I reveled in being able to be mad. I was the grown up, I could scream and yell and BE MAD. Until I realized my kid's personality was more like my dad's. bejeebus she was only 3 and she could take more mad than I was willing to dish out and still? carry on with doing whatever it was that I was losing it over. I simply couldn't 'win' by being louder and madder and more threatening. I could see abuse looming, that's how bad it was.

So, I had to do like you and act not mad. I still lost it sometimes, but I'd like to think it was limited enough to be impressive. Reports from the now grown child are mixed. When she was a teen, she would taunt me about being 'passive' or accused me of not caring enough to be angry. Which infuriated me as much as she expected. Talk about a cycle! So, plan for that!

Her own propensity for dramatic anger meant I also had to say 4 bazillion times to her when she was over the top and out of control mad and trying to say someone 'made' her mad, that no, she was choosing to be mad and act mad, and she could choose not to.

[Mama Bub]

First of all, re: #3 - does this mean that my kid laughing at me when I'm losing my mind, especially when I'm having an over the top freak out reaction, is normal and doesn't mean he's destined to be a sociopath?

Second, I've kind of tried this, with success, but then I fall off of the wagon. This may be the boost I need to get back on.

[The New Girl]

@mama bub: He might even be WORSE than a sociopath. He might turn out to be...A THERAPIST. With a horrible Inappropriate Laughing Mental Glitch. HA HA!

No, seriously. I think, for me, it was a coping mechanism to deal with the anxiety around watching someone lose complete control of herself. On the upside, it is in part what makes me SUPER DUPER calm during a crisis now, though, so...maybe he'll be a fireman or something like that.

Not making you feel any better, am I?

[Amy Jo]

Thank you. I am stuck in the yelling cycle here right now (new house, new town, no friends yet, kids sick of looking at each other and me, blah blah blah) and I know that by yelling at them I'm basicially teaching them to yell at each other or me. I am totally going to try this exercise. In the past I've been able to control my volume, but I've never really figured out how to stick with it. I hope this will work for me.

You should charge for this shit, BTW!

[jodifur]

In my house, I'm working on yelling and my 5 year old is working on listening more. So I think just acknowledging it is half the battle.

[Mama Bub]

That makes complete sense. I can imagine it's pretty anxiety inducing to watch your mom LOSE HER MIND. I'm going to go with the coping mechanism theory, rather than "shows no empathy, laughs at the pain of others."

[mimi]

I must once more ask you to stop living my life, please ;-)

I have been trying very hard to not freak out. You know, the girls (I mean my girl, and your girl), they have strong tempers, and they like to exercise them. And their strong wills. And their strong voices. I'm not real good at 'patience' at the best of times, but hollering, as you note, doesn't help, doesn't set the example, and always escalates the problem.

I have trouble acting not angry sometimes, so what I do, is I tell Munchkin that Mommy is having trouble controlling her feelings and needs a time out to calm down.

Because it's true.

It works. And sets a good model for her, to boot!

[The Domestic Goddess]

I did this about a year or so ago. This isn't to say I don't still have those lack-of-impulse-control moments but it is so much better. It's much easier to get my kids to come down from a meltdown when I'm calmly and quietly speaking to them. Amazing! ANd it only took me ten years to figure it out!

[Meg]

I relaized I had a problem with getting too mad about a year and a half ago (similarly triggered by a toddler). I saw a therapist for the purpose of learning techniques to so I wouldn't lash out at my husband or children. Given your profession, I am sure you know all this, but one thing he taught me in addition to what you've mentioned that was helpful was to try and ground my body when I felt anger, think about my feet, feel myself rooted to the earth, and then separate my feeling of anger and what I would do/say next. For me breaking it down like that was really helpful. Thank you for sharig this - it's so intersting to know that other moms are struggling with this and trying to fix it in their own lives. It's also a good reminder for me to keep on doing these practices.

[amy]

Good for you!! It took me a lot longer to discover this exact same realization. I am remorseful for the years that I spend screaming at my daughter. She did her fair share of screaming back. When I hit that point, and decided I was going to count to three before responding to ANYTHING, and began to say Yes instead of knee-jerk-response saying No, it's like a huge weight lifted off of all of our shoulders. I began using positive reinforcement and it has paid off tenfold.

[MrsChicken]

This is AMAZING.

And. just what I needed to read. I am a yeller and my anger has been out of hand lately and I see the fear/anxiety in my kids' faces when I get riled up. I love this, I am printing it out and posting it on my fridge.

I am trying this. Starting NOW.

THANK YOU.

[Kelly @ Student of the Year]

Yep. Totes.

I do find this, however, to be insanely difficult. It's part of the 1-2-3 philosophy. You don't act pissed off and ragey when you're putting them in time-out for the twentieth time. It makes complete sense that your calmness will trickle down, but how to get to that point where all your emotions are legitimately tamped down, and not some false kind of gritted teeth peace? That's what I struggle with, and I find it varies a lot with the kids' moods, my energy level/stress level, etc. Sometimes I am so fucking good at the zen, and other times not.

[caramama]

I know exactly what you mean by the difference between real anger and impulse control anger. Isn't it so surprising that my impulse control anger is also much more likely to occur when I'm running on sleep deprivation?

My 3 yo definitely has am Inappropriate Laughing Mental Glitch. That alone makes me see red. I'm trying to remember it's just that she has difficulty coping with strong negative emotions directed at her. But it's hard.

Anyway, thank you for these tips. I'm going to work on them. I've gotten really good at Fake It Till You Make It methods in other areas. This seems like a good are to use it.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I'm going to try this. I *need* to try this. Because CJ has been making me so goddamned angry that I have reflexively smacked her on the wrist, horrifying both of us.

Impulse control. You nailed it. Thank you.

[Zoe]

Thank you for this post. I need it right now.

We recently moved (away from the neighborhood I grew up in and from my sister who still lives there) and between that and graduate school starting next week I've been teetering on the edge for the past week.

This is exactly what I need to do; act as if. My 3 are all under the age of 5, and so testing is what they're supposed to be doing but I feel like I'm losing my mind. I desperately want to be kinder, gentler, softer and more patient; I guess the least I can do is at least act like I feel all those things.

I'm going to try this for the rest of the day, and take it easy on myself (and make a huge batch of cookies, for good measure). Hopefully, this will get us through until I the stress of the move and new beginnings wears off.

Thank you! Truly, thank you for sharing.