On Shaping Up What's Been Forged.

For my whole life, I have described myself (among other things) as 'Inconsistent.'  I've done it here, probably lots of times.  I've done it on the [temporary] [inconsistently written] Fitness/Health Kick(ish) blog that I started and stopped and started and for which I never fucking write a post.

Ahem.

But recently, I've started to see it a little differently.  Through the ongoing process of self-awareness, I've have a few AHA Moments, recently and now, I'm wondering whether, along with (or, perhaps, in lieu of) being Inconsistent, I am also Undisciplined.  Just.  I don't know.  Lacking in whatever fundamental internal structure people have that facilitates and makes it easier for a person to remain consistent and linear in thought, attention and action toward whatever goal.

I'm not totally lacking in the fundamental structure, obviously.  I mean, I have a house and a job and close relationships and all that.  But in certain cases, it feels/seems almost impossible for me to do what I have to do to change my behavior for the long term.

As an aside: Part of my world view is that we are each born into this world with a temperamental style with various 'set points' for things like Approaching New Stimuli or a Threshold of Tolerance for things, etc. I think that certain personal traits are born-in, in other words, and work as we might, there's only a certain amount of elasticity that we're going to get in the way of behavior change in those areas.  Or, rather, there's a range of expression for certain traits--and anything outside the range is going to be more of a challenge to maintain.  Not saying impossible. I'm certainly not arguing that people can't change their behaviors.

I'm a therapist for fuck's sake.

What I am wondering, though, is how much of my inconsistency is really that I lack discipline in certain areas, as a kind of character trait, thus giving me a [fucking headache] hard time when it comes to adapting certain behaviors?

Each person has his or her own Issues to Wrestle, I'm aware of that. (For example,  I believe that an introvert can work on becoming more comfortable socially but I also believe that it may feel effort-filled for that person.  Almost all the time, especially at first.  Whereas for me, the quintessential extrovert, social interactions are usually not only stress-free but Enjoyable.)  So, I'm thinking that for me to maintain a consistently disciplined life in my Troublesome Areas may require a more or less continuous effort be applied to my will--to bend it and shape it into something a little different. Or, maybe, I can adjust my expectations and work toward realistic change in life-long patterns of behavior.  Somehow, viewing it differently makes change seem more do-able instead of just wishing I was different or trying to figure out why being consistent is just so hard for me when it seems to be so easy for everyone else.

I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here. (Are you thinking that perhaaaaps, I should work this shit out ALL THE WAY before sharing?)

Me too.

Anyway.

Here's a list of areas that require more discipline than I typically posses to be/feel what I consider to be successful:

1) House Work.  I am not the messiest person around.  Largely 'Clean As You Go' kind of person but I am start/stop in this area and there is no denying that when I try to stay on top of it, it seems to take up ALL my free time and after a few weeks, I lapse into 'Not Noticing' until it gets, um, Embarrassing.

2) Weight Management. Oh, hell. Up. Down. Up. Down. You know. I'm up now.  So it's a thing.

3) Vehicle/House Maintenance. I have been known to let my oil changes and inspections go until the State Troopers and Oil Lube Employees knock on my door, asking me to PLEASE, PLEASE pay attention. (And you know how often THAT happens.) (One time, I got pulled over on my own block for a lapsed inspection sticker.  I pulled into my own driveway and confused the hell out of the nice policeman who just gave me a warning. TFS.)

4) Financial/Paperwork. Same as above.  Only, I think that people to whom you owe money actually WILL knock on your door, so I always get around to it in time but I let it linger. And avoid.

5) Bookkeeping.  In my job, I have records to keep and compile.  I am METICULOUS at keeping the actual records and ABYSMAL at compiling them.  You try to figure it out. I'm an enigma.

6) Physical/Medical Maintenance.  I've gone years. YEARS! Without seeing a dentist. Or a gynecologist. Or...you get the picture.  I'm back on the wagon with both, so, don't worry. 

7) Artistic Production. I don't write these days.  I don't do any real artwork, either (unless you're counting the 'crafts' I whip up for TLNG. And, uh, I wouldn't).  I don't post as often as I'd like.

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I got the title for this post from an Indigo Girls song.  The full line is: I measure to what degree I can shape up what's been forged in me.  I love the imagery of that line and like almost all their lyrics, I think that it's poetry set to music.

Comments

[Lippy]

This so describes me. Then I get overwhelmed and am incapable of doing anything but read the internet and watch tv. Then something happens, I get sort of caught up and vow to stay caught up but.... This is why my husband pays the bills, when he gets overwhelmed he makes a schedule and it freaks me out. Who does that?

[Tessie]

Um. I have this. I have always, and I mean ALWAYS been a stop/starter, ebb/flower, wax/waner. On the one hand, the more times I get back ON the wagon after having fallen off at some point, the more confidence I have that I can do that and therefore the less I stress when I'm OFF.

On the other hand, uh, flaky and irritating. So, you know, that sucks.

[Jennie]

I don't know if you meant to do this, but you just switched a light bulb on for me. You said "Weight Management. Oh, hell. Up. Down. Up. Down. You know. I'm up now. So it's a thing."

Yes! When my weight is up, I have a "thing" with weight. But when it's down, does it ever disappear? Uh, not really. I have a weight issue no matter what I weigh and I don't know if I've ever identified it so easily like that.

[Christine]

Keep in mind you just had two babies in about two years! I had both my kids around the same time you did and I have felt like I was in a fog for the last three years. My youngest just turned one and since then I am feeling much better and more capable of getting the everyday done. I am more inspired to take care of the house and myself which is really exciting, I was wondering if I would ever feel "normal" again.

[Brenna]

Speaking as the introvertest introvert you ever would meet (maybe. if you could get me out of the house), not only are social occasions effort-filled, they are physically exhausting. As in, I NEED to go home and take a nap afterward. My husband (an extrovert of the highest order) finds it perplexing, to say the least. But he's happy I make the effort.

[Sarahviz]

Reading this came at a perfect time for me. You actually put into words what I've been feeling like but haven't been able to describe. UNDISCIPLINED. Totally hits the nail on the head for me. See also: INCONSISTENT.

My weight? Up down up down. Running? Slacker dedicated slacker dedicated.

*sigh*

(SO WHAT'S THE FRIGGING CURE THEN?)

[bea]

How timely - I just got back, this very minute, from my first dental appointment in five years (at least, I think it was about five years ago). And I spent most of that appointment thinking about all the reasons why NOT seeing the dentist is so much more rewarding than actually seeing the dentist. Seeing the dentist is expensive. It is time-consuming. It is unpleasant and painful. It involves remembering to schedule the appointment, and finding the number, and remember to actually go on the day the appointment rolls around. I could do all this every six months. OR I could go five years between appointments and find at the end of it all that I have no cavities and some mild gingivitis which could easily be cleared up with regular use of Listerine.

When we're undisciplined about something, often that means that (a) we don't value it very much (i.e. clean house) and/or (b) our lives are actually better this way. If I lost twenty pounds, I would have a flatter tummy, but I'd still have short legs and wide hips - I'd still be the kind of person trying to draw the eye UP to the FACE. There's no way my body is going to improve enough to enhance my life more than it is currently enhanced by the half-in-half in my coffee and the Pillsbury cookies I ate (hot out of the oven) last night.

There are things about which I have become more disciplined because they actually enhance my quality of life. I'm much happier now that I routinely leave the house early enough to arrive comfortably on time. I used to be undisciplined about this, and the lost five minutes (plus the extra five minutes of waiting when I arrive early) is easily outweighed by the reduction in stress. If becoming more disciplined ACTUALLY improves our quality of life, we generally find a way to do it.

[a]

I don't really believe it's about consistency or discipline for me. In my case, it's about interest. I am interested in being on time, so I'm always on time, my bills are paid on time, my library books are returned on time (which reminds me...), and so forth. I'm interested in not living in a pigsty, but I'm not interested in worrying about germs. So my house is basically neat-ish, but dusty. My lawn gets mowed, but I don't do the edging unless I have to. My husband is always complaining about the things I don't do (he's a neat freak), and all I can say is I just don't really care about it.

[Alias Mother]

Can I just point something out here that someone pointed out to me? I also tend towards unorganization with a solid dose of procrastination and I have noticed these habits getting worse and worse and worse as I age. There are days when I feel like I am behind on absolutely EVERYTHING, work, exercise, housework, writing, etc and I attribute it all to a lack of discipline. Surely if I would just get it together, it would be better, right? When I was venting about this to a friend a while ago she was all: you remember that you have two small children, right? And it's not an excuse. Think of how much time is spent wrangling, dressing, pottying, cleaning, and entertaining the children. That likely takes up every ounce of energy and go-get-'em that you have, hence the slide in other areas.

It's my current excuse anyway. But I think it's legit.

There are women who can keep on top of it all, of course, as they do have the naturally-instilled discipline. But the ones I know are extremely stressed out and over loaded. So I think it's a wash.

[Lori]

Oh crap, did I write this? T, T. I SO get this post. I always feel really bad about my lack of discipline. But now I feel slightly better since I'm like you :)

[Swistle]

I so agree. I think when people say things like, "It's just a matter of BEING ORGANIZED," they are failing to Get It.

I'm introverted and socially anxious, and I've found that what some people think I should do is STOP BEING THAT WAY. Others think I just need to REALIZE that my fears are SILLY. What works for me is thinking of it as something I need to work with/around, and probably always WILL need to work with/around, and that the goal for me is to come up with ways that let me more easily/comfortably work with/around it.

For organization/housework/medical, I think to myself that my goal is not "To Be Like My Parents" (who are both naturally-organized perfectionists who do everything on perfect calendar scheduling) but to find ways that work for me and that let me accomplish things that really do need to be accomplished---while also letting me stress less about things that DON'T really need to be accomplished.