Experiment. Or, If You Like, Practice.

So, the feedback on the last post was Pleasant! And surprising! And Pleasant!

It's nice to have internet friends who don't judge you or get sick of you saying the same shit over and over (or so you say NOW, heh) and so I'm going to try an experiment.  I'm just going to...you know...write.

My usual method of writing posts (believe it or not) is (generally) to have a more or less, fully formed idea and then to sit at the computer and write it, shape it and polish it up before I hit publish.  If you read me in a reader [you're like, 'what is her fucking DEAL?'] you may often see multiple 'publishes' on a lot of my posts. That..happens to me.  Still shaping after it's published.  (The internet equivalent of re-re-re-FUCKINGRE-recording voice mails before I'm satisfied. It's a Mental Glitch of the first order.)

So.

Today, I figured, let's try something [crazy] new and do a [rambling post with no purpose] stream of consciousness writing.

....

..

?

Um.

//

\\

/\/\/\/\////\

Welp. Let's call me a beginner.

I am taking my dad to the doctor today. He's doing pretty well, actually. (My dad, you know, not the doctor.) (Well, the doctor's probably doing well too, but WHATEVER.) I think that he may have found a house that he likes (!!) The heaviness and difficulty that will accompany the readying and selling of my childhood home is balanced (at least right now, when the paint rollers and dumpsters and hours upon hours of back breaking work are only in my IMAGINATION) by the floaty feeling I get from thinking of my dad living so close by that he can come for dinner, or trick-or-treating, or Thanksgiving AND Christmas morning AND whenever [all without his dog] and then go back to his own house, where he will (eventually) be comfortable.

I'm optimistic, as he's starting to look around at the street signs and try to figure out where things are in relation to other things (and lo, I have discovered from whence my ABYSMAL sense of direction hails) and he said, 'Well, I can just come down here and go do my shopping at ACME, eh?'  And I'm like, 'Dad. I can come and get you. And we can go together. And then I can drop you off at home with your groceries.' And he nodded, kind of surprised. And said, 'Save me on gas.'

It's hard for him, and in a collective sense, all of us, sometimes, to imagine the good things that will come out of the difficulties, I suppose.  The harder things are more evident to him.  Partly because they are so, So, SO challenging. Big-Ass Life Changers.  But too, I think, because they are all up front.  On the front end is the buying and the cleaning and shedding and organizing and moving and all that.  It's only after he's here, I think, and a little more comfortable that it will dawn on him the amazing opportunity he has to engage and be a real part of this family for which he worked so, so hard for so, so long.

And I hope to remember this feeling that I have. The feeling of so badly wanting him to be close to us, knowing that no parent wants to be a *burden* to his children.  But for me, moving him closer isn't the burden.  The REAL burden is the worry that I feel when he's that far away, well outside the reach of my [evil clutches] loving care.  Or the uprooting, driving, uprooting, driving, uprooting that we have to do when the inevitable bad things start happening.

I understand how he feels, I do.  But I also hope to remember how *I* am feeling now--in case I'm lucky enough to live that long--because one day, my kids might feel this same way.  

And I don't ever want to be a burden to them.

Comments

[caramama]

I'm glad your dad is starting to get comfortable with the idea. I know parents don't want to be a "burden" on their children, but weren't we all burdens on our parents when we were children? I kind of expect my kids to accept that "burden" when I am old, just as I happily accepted it when I had my kids. And that's what I plan to tell my parents when they say they don't want to be a "burden."

Also, that was an excellent post! Your off the cuff is quite good.

[Marie Green]

This is a perfect case of a glitch that needs to be worked out of our current mode of living in a "global" world. Now, everyone lives so far from their families, and that's all fine because we have email and twitter and Skype and airplanes and fast cars and good fast freeways, but what happens when that distant family member is no longer as mobile as they once were? You can't exactly Skype them through their morning routine, ya know?

I think this is an issue for which there IS not a "good answer" for all parties involved. I commend you and your family for finding a solution that- while not ideal- seems like it will work out for the best.

[The Domestic Goddess]

I'm more of a "stream of consciousness" blogger. I sit there, stare at the computer, type the first thing that comes to mind. Once in a great, big while I prep (and proofread) a post ahead of time. GREAT BIG WHILE. Most of the time, I make it up on the fly.

[Manic Mommy]

It's amazing how lucid you are for stream of consciousness. I tend to write almost entirely inside of parentheses. (I went back and forth twice almost placing parens around that last sentence.)

I'm really happy your dad is starting to make the adjustment. He should get to enjoy his grandchildren. And if I remember correctly, he's also a workaholic so you can sic him on some projects. Y'know. To keep him busy.

[Bingo Reviews]

It seems like you've got a lot on your plate. It's nice to see that you're taking such a positive approach, it makes it a little easier for me to do. Good luck with everything!
-Micah

[Sandrine]

I admire you for being able to sort through *positive* feelings about this. I don't think our family is anywhere near organised enough to do anything but go into panic mode if our parents ever require any kind of help! Oh, and I also admire your writing skills - skip the beginning (funny!) and you've got a fully formed word perfect post!

[attiton]

Well, I guess I feel that parents are always some sort of burden. It all depends on what connotation you put on "burden."

I just hope I'm the kind of burden that is bearable. My parents are only just bearable now and we haven't even gotten to the hard part yet.

[-R-]

I am all about stream of consciousness writing. But sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. For me, anyway.

My dad recently sent me a nice e-mail, but it ended with the sentiment that he doesn't want to be a burden to me. It freaking broke my heart. I wrote back, "You're not a burden; you're my dad." I'm sure your kids will feel the same way about you some day.

[areyoukiddingme?]

We like to tell my mom that she's on her own - none of us are taking her when she gets old and decrepit. But that's because she's a bit of a drama queen, and likes to complain about how no one wants her around.

I'm glad your dad is getting used to the idea of living close by. It will be easier for you and better for him. But he sounds like a guy who needs to be busy, so you might want to start looking for opportunities in that direction.

[Swistle]

Yes, YESSSSSSSSSS!!! My parents WOULD NOT move to where we lived, EVEN THOUGH THEY WANTED TO AND WE WANTED THEM TO, because they were soooo worried about being a burden or intruding or whatever. And so WE had to move to THEM, and let me tell you, that was a WAY BIGGER BURDEN. I don't want to cope with the stress of having them far away as they age, and also I REALLY DO WANT to help them out as they need it. I REALLY DO.

It stresses me a little, though, that I don't feel that way AT ALL about my in-laws. But I will not think about that as it may relate to my own old self.