Quite Right.

He is red-faced screaming and I am bewildered.

Tired?

Start bouncing and ear-piercing screams mean, 'Uh. NO.'

Hungry?

Latches on, eye rolling, screaming ensues. 'NO.'

Gas. It must be gas.

I give him two doses, back to back, of gas medicine and walk him around, patting his back. 

He quiets. Gives two little burps.

I bounce him and he whimpers.  His eyes close and he's asleep in 6 minutes.

The bewilderment at the crying makes me realize [just how fucking soft I've gone] how little he actually cries. How predictable his needs and how soothe-able his distress.  Since I wrote the post about the horrible, sleepless, [post-partum brain-fuck] angst, we went to the GI specialist.  We had a change in medication.

And I have a brand-new kid.

He smiles and giggles and coos and makes raspberries and has a social cough.  He eats every 3-4 hours in the daytime. And, get this: he's been sleeping through the night. And I'm not talking about the *6-hour-stretch-from-7pm-to-2am* that the BABY BOOKS pretend is 'sleeping through the night.' I'm talking about a solid, uninterrupted 10-12 hour stretch. Without crying or eating. AT NIGHT. Pardon my whisper.  I haven't wanted to tell you.  I haven't wanted to talk about it, think about it or BREATHE A WORD OF IT.  And I'm not even superstitious. 

I'm that amazed.  You could knock my ass over with a baby sock.

Seriously.

I find myself wondering just who IS this ginormous, happy, sweet, sleepy baby?  I also wonder what I would think of New Motherhood if this boy, this temperamentally rhythmic, predictable, good-natured boy, was my first baby. Or my only baby.  Wow. I can't even begin to imagine how different my perspective, my take-away would be.  The Man said, 'We'd have three more by now.' And while I think that's a huge exaggeration (I still hate being pregnant, yo) the sentiment is one that I understand. 

My daughter, my fire-filled, mercurial, girl child. She gave us a tough row to hoe.  A bonfire into which we threw our expectations, our assumptions.  And the blaze imprinted itself on my ideas about and my experience of new motherhood. Singed it.  Left it smelling smoky and a little dangerous. 

Don't get me wrong, there was lots of love forged in that fire.  But let me be honest and say that it was a site at which there was a trial. You know the kind.

Or, maybe you don't.

I'd like to think that if my boy had been my first or only, that I would still have as much empathy, compassion and understanding for the woman I see with the caterwauling infant and the distant, dazed-senseless look in her eyes.  Even easy babies are demanding, after all, there's no denying that. 

It's just that...I don't know. I'm not one of those people who believes that you have to have had the same exact experience as I have to understand me, to really get what I'm saying.  Your mom may be alive and well, say, and you still GET that my loss was tremendous. Pain is pain.  I'm saying that even if you've had easy babies, I still think that you can understand.  Mostly. (You'll never hear me say that condescending, 'Oh, you wouldn't understand.')

It's just that there's something about the experience of parenting one so tough that makes parenting one this easy a little...jarring.  I can't explain it better than that.  At least not yet. 

I know that some of you get it.  And I know that some of you have been there too.  I can still smell the smoke on your clothes. (Don't worry, it's faint.)

And The Man has taken to calling him 'The Gentle Giant,' which does not meet with 100% approval from me. 

You can guess what I call him from the title of the post.

Or maybe you can't, Whipper Snappers.

Comments

[mimi]

Yes, I feel your pain. I can't imagine how different this must be, this time round ...

[Forgotten]

I had two of your first, at the same time. My twins were early. Were on reflux meds before they ever came home. One would sleep in his crib at night, but spend the day fussing and barfing (no spit up, this was room-soaking barf). The other poor boy had the reflux but also had separation anxiety issues and would only sleep either ON MY CHEST or IN MY ARMPIT and refused to be put down during the day AND puked very where every single time he ate, too. To say I have PTSD is to put it mildly. (I almost cry even now thinking about it.)

BUT! My second pregnancy, third child, baby girl. She is a dream. Sleeps wonderfully in her own crib (has never slept in my bed). Breastfeeds like a pro. No reflux. No weight gain issues. If I had gotten this little one first, I would have been broken with the boys. It truly was trial by fire and I am still shaking ash out of my hair, but we made it and I am definitely more grateful for the happy, peaceful little boys I have now and the sweet happy baby girl I am still breastfeeding! (Sorry for the book.)

[Lori]

T- this is great. I can't wait to meet him.

[Amelia Sprout]

As the parent of a refluxy kid, I totally get it. I had two babies in my one kid. The one that I had at first, that never wanted to sleep easily, or for long. The picky eater who insisted on a nipple shield for EIGHTEEN MONTHS! I think I had never gone to the Dr, had listened to her when she said "If this isn't better in a couple of weeks, come back, and we'll do meds" (we tried my diet first).
Then there was the second baby. The medicated one that slept pretty well, that ate really well, that got chubby and chunky and who could be mellow and didn't require being held ALL THE TIME.
Don't tell her, but I liked the second one more.

I still wonder if TLNG wasn't refluxy too. She sounded all too much like that first kid I had, the one before the miracle that is Prevac!d.

[caramama]

So glad that you've got the meds figured out and that the boy is easier! It's just priceless, isn't it?

I've been thinking the exact same thing lately as what you've written. I am simply amazed at what it's like to parent (especially put down or put to bed!!!) an easy (or at least much easier) baby. The good thing for me about having my easier baby second is that it's really reinforced the fact that so much of what was hard with my first was because of her personality. Surely our response to her contributed, but overall we tried the same things with her as we did with my son and the results were SO different.

After having our spirited first child, I had many parents tell me to be glad she was first because they had a harder baby second and it really threw them for a loop. As in, they thought they had this parenting thing figured out and that they were just great parents... then they had a child who proved that the previous kid(s) was just an easy kid!

And I feel the same way as you about people who haven't had a hard/spirited child. Sure, they have sympathy and can kind of understand. But the other parents who have had a spirited kid really GET what we've been through.

[jive turkey]

While my current baby is my first and I really have nothing else to measure her by, I'm pretty sure she's what you'd call an easy baby. Which is why I'm absolutely convinced that if I have another, it will be the kind of baby who refuses to sleep, eat, or refrain from burning our house down at age 3.

Cheers to you for weathering the tough times with Baby 1 and still going on with Baby 2. I don't know if I could/would do that.

[Caren]

I tell everyone I have PTSD from my first daughter. I'm only half-joking. I am now pregnant again (thanks for nothing birth control) and have so much anxiety about this new baby. I had a very flexible schedule with my first and now I am going to have another baby and my schedule is completely unflexible (along with a "spirited" 2 year old). I just don't know if I will survive another one without breaking. Thank you for this post. It gives me hope.

[Sam]

My brain says "quiet riot" for some reason. It makes me smile and I'm only oldish.

[TheOneTrueSue]

My son had reflux and just - screamed and screamed and screamed. Poor baby. Poor family. The doc finally put him on Prevacid and it was life-changing for us all.

Although he still doesn't sleep through the night - and he's almost six months old. Boo.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I can guess!

Tacy eased us into parenthood, and then CJ schooled us hard. I'm just glad that Oliver is more like Tacy; much as I love her, another CJ would drive me over the edge.

[The Domestic Goddess]

I'm so happy he is better! WEEEE!!!! What did they put him on, prevacid?

I had two up-all-night screamers. Luke screamed and puked for two years straight. I was deer-in-headlights for the first five years of SAHMhood. I still haven't quite adjusted but I'm getting there.

Sleep is sooooo underrated.

[the new girl]

I've been doing a lot of reading on temperament in kids. (I've read it all before for work but it's different with a parent's eyes, for sure.) It's fascinating stuff, really. And although the evidence says that temperament isn't 'fixed' in infancy, it does show that temperamental style is very evident and influential, both in behavior and the 'interaction' between kid and environment. (Read: how the parents react to and parent said kid.)

There really are some hard babies, some easy babies and a whole lot of 'regular' babies. I think that my first was also a combination of 'tough/spirited/WhateverYouWantToCallIt temperament' and the undiagnosed/untreated reflux. Even after the colic/reflux/both ended, she was much nicer but still WAY less predictable/easy to soothe, etc. than her brother is.

It's unknowable, I suppose, if he's content to play all by himself while I make dinner because I'm treating him differently than I did her but my gut says that for the most part, he's just a different kid. You know, Mellow Yellow.

[Julie @ Mommy Said What?]

Motherhood Uncensored: What's funny is that even with a hard baby myself, I still think that from time to time - "This must be something I'm doing" or "I should just put her to bed like I put my son to bed, it'll be fine. Really." Even AFTER having a child psych tell me this has little to do with me, that it's all her temperament. But I'm holding you to your word - that I'll look back on all this fondly!!

The New Girl: My daughter also had reflux, and after she was medicated (took 7 weeks to find a doctor who could properly diagnose her) she did get A LOT better, but she was still far from easy. I can't even imagine the nightmare had she never been diagnosed.

Your writing, by the way, is incredible. And you make it seem so effortless. Don't know if I've mentioned that before.

[Amy]

My 3 month old son is a fairly easy and laid-back baby. But he has gas issues, too. He rarely screams, and when he does, he's either way overtired or super gassy (or both). Gas drops, rubbing his belly, or letting him nap on the floor laying on his belly where I can see him usually helps him.

I'm so glad your little man is feeling better now!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I do think that most if not all moms are capable of some level of empathy, but if you've never had a hard baby, then I think there's very often that twinge of "oh just put her down and she'll fall asleep eventually" or this idea that, in fact, you've created "the beast" somehow.

I actually take some responsibility for the first hard year of Q's life (as opposed to saying that she was just a hard baby - it's hard to separate out being a frazzled, type-A new mom and all). For us, I'm pretty sure it was reflux brought on by switch nursing (a mistake for someone with a foremilk imbalance).

It's amazing how years and yes, easier kids, have made those horrible memories quite distant. In fact, I barely remember them now, the only remnants from blog posts (ironically).

The idea of birth order really fascinates me, particularly in these cases, when you've got a 2nd one that's harder OR easier. I wonder how much we're able to separate out comparing our experiences to their siblings, and how much that affects how we raise them.

[Manic Mommy]

We learn so much between first and second. It still amazes me the hospitals actually release them to our 'care'.

I'm so happy you're getting to enjoy your little boy. Sons touch a mother's heart in ways we couldn't imagine.

[the new girl]

Attition: In a word, YES, it totally DID change how I handled it. I still have squirmy kind of pain(ish) feelings thinking of my poor screaming girl and wondering if a medicine could have worked for her, too. It was only in retrospect that I realized what was happening with her.

My friend, Jonniker's daughter was quite like mine and she was a kick-ass advocate to get her kid meds and I VOWED that the second time, I would press...at the FIRST SIGN. Which I did. Whew.

[attiton]

I wonder if you think that your experience with TLNG changed how you dealt with the Little Man's GI stuff. I mean, I bet most of us have been hit with the pediatrician's mantra, "Oh, it's just a little gas...or colic...or whatever." But you were sure otherwise. Do you think that this would have been fundamentally different if he had been your first?

[bea]

My first baby was hard and my second baby was average. And average felt like sweet, sweet heaven after that first experience. Only two hours of colicky crying a couple of evenings per week? Heaven. I've often wondered what it would be like to have an easy baby. The experts say that easy babies make up 40% of the baby population, so it's not like it's all that rare. I always assumed that I wouldn't find it so jarring if it were my own easy baby, but this post reassures me that it may not be so. Those easy babies always seem a little SPOOKY to me. Maybe after a hard baby, an average baby is as good as it gets.

[areyoukiddingme?]

I had the easiest baby in the world, and I was aware that she was easy. I appreciated it every moment, and with every complaint about 1 sleepless night, I would add, "but I can't complain, because she's really easy." I'm glad you got an easy one.

[J from Ireland]

You are blessed with that boy!! I remember the first post I ever read of your was when TLNG was just a few weeks old and while it was hilarious you really had it tough. I am delighted you are getting this experience. I kinda think its boys though, my 2 boys were very easy babies compared to my 2 girls but then my 2 girls were very advanced for their ages compared to the lads. Jaysus sorry for the ramble :)

[the new girl]

Julie: Are you older than me? I can't imagine. Also, I OFTEN say that I'm glad the order wasn't reversed. I think, as hard as it was, I wasn't really aware that it was SO FAR out of round, you know what I mean?

[Julie @ Mommy Said What?]

1. I'm quite sure I'm older than you, but I still don't get the reference.

2. It's funny. My kids were reversed. Easy first, difficult second. If my daughter had been first, she never would have had a sibling. And I can honestly say that no, I did not understand what it was like to mother such a 'spirited' child before having one. In fact, I was quite judgmental of all those other moms, who MUST have been doing something wrong.

That's why I call my second one "my comeuppance."

[Shannon]

I agree. You said it so well.

[She Likes Purple]

I absolutely loved this post. Especially this: "She gave us a tough row to hoe. A bonfire into which we threw our expectations, our assumptions. And the blaze imprinted itself on my ideas about and my experience of new motherhood. Singed it. Left it smelling smoky and a little dangerous."

Those first two months wrecked me and then rebuilt me. And now I'm ever-stronger for them.

[amanda]

There is no easy explaining of this journey, but I sure like reading your take. Next step is to actually see those littles in person...wow that sounds Single White Female creepy!