Unconditional Acceptance.

I had an encounter with a patient today that shook something loose in me. This happens sometimes. And while you're not privy to her issues or our discussion, you are privy to my reactions, if I choose to share them.  And the reaction that I had to this patient was the urge to be an Accepting Kind of Mother.

It was as if the center of my chest opened up like a vault and I felt my heart inside, grow. Inflate. Become bigger, Bigger, BIGGER still. I wished for it to be big enough to make room for whatever and whoever my daughter* is becoming. Whoever or whatever she wants to be or discovers that she is, through the unfolding of her life.

I want my mother heart to be roomy enough for my kids to be comfortable, to make a cozy home in my chest, enfolded and protected there, knowing that no matter who they are, no matter their interests, their predilections, their beliefs, their choices--that I will accept them as people.  That I will respect them as individuals who can and must choose for themselves what to make of their lives, even as they are living them.

It might surprise no one to hear that I believe myself to be a pretty accepting person.  If my daughter came home with black nail polish and blue hair, or facial piercings and Secular Humanist literature, or a Chihuahua and a girlfriend, I can imagine clear and easy acceptance of all those things, despite the broader societal-norm bending. 

On my car ride home, though, as I was congratulating myself for my own yet-to-be-tested flexibility in mothering, I had this thought:

But, what if she came home with a kid who was a bigot?  Or if she found some strong and fervent religious beliefs? Or she wanted Midwestern Hair?

For me, personally, those would all be tougher pills to swallow, really.  Harder tests for my flexible acceptance of her person-hood and her choices. Taking myself out of the equation would be much more challenging in some situations, many of which I cannot even yet imagine.

I have very little to no doubt that my children will be secure in the fact that I LOVE them no matter what. But I also want them to understand that I will also do my best to ACCEPT them unconditionally.  That I will try to always stand by them, to support them and assist them to become who they are and who they are meant to be.

Because that is what I truly believe most kids and young adults want and need from their parents.

I just really, really hope it doesn't include Midwestern Hair**.

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*All this goes for my son, too, obviously. He's just so..UNDIFFERENTIATED still.
**My apologies to Mom101 for lifting that with my sticky fingers but THAT was some funny shit.

Comments

[mom,again]

We dealt with the hair thing by promising she could have any color she wanted if she got straight A's, until then, she could only have 'normal' hair dye. Since the wanting weird hair color phase was part of the 'sticking it to the man, I won't do well in school' era, we weren't worried about having to allow blue hair. She alternated between the blackest black and the reddest red throughout high school. Once, for a few days, she was white blonde, but then she covered that with red or black. Personally, I was always surprised she went along with it, didn't just color it whatever behind our backs.

She came home on her 18th birthday and displayed her navel ring. I yawned and said just don't pierce your tongue, it can ruin your teeth. (Her sister later tried to startle me with a tatoo, but even I can recognize a wimpy suburban girl ankle tat for harmless.)

Now, at age 25, she has indeed decided that our version of Christian is Not Good Enough and feels it must be discussed every time we are together. It is far more troublesome, both in the sense that I feel I failed to teach her something more reasonable, and in the sense that it's damned annoying to be told repeatedly how unhappy she is knowing that I am going to hell. I think I preferred her at 14, muttering 'go to hell' under her breath to this mature, well-rehearsed and sincere proselytizing.

[Caitlin]

I don't have kids, but this is one of The Things I Think About when it comes to (possibly, eventually) having them. My parents are good people, but this is not something they were especially great at. It's hard to explain, but I think it's like this: they would tell us that they would love and support us no matter what, even if they didn't agree with our decisions. Sounds good, right? But they tend(ed) to dissect our decisions or opinions, grilling us until they felt satisfied they understood it. I can understand wanting to understand it, and that this didn't necessarily mean they didn't love and accept us BUT walking away from that leaves one exhausted, raked over the coals, and not full of trust and love and mutual respect. To make matters worse, my Mom in particular is TERRIBLE about hiding her true feelings. She would clearly have An Opinion on something (body language, tone of voice, etc) but when asked about it she would flat out deny it and give a canned answer ('Sure, you can where that. I didn't say you couldn't.' 'No, I do not dislike your boyfriend.'). She wasn't intentionally lying, exactly, just trying to be !Supportive! and doing what she thought she should. But again with the trust: I felt lied to because it was clear she was not being honest. It would have been much more successful, I think, if she were able to say something simply & honestly like "Hey, I don't care for that, but I support your decision and I will be here if you need me."

So, a long way of saying, I think it is really great that you are thinking about this!

[The Domestic Goddess]

The hair would make me crazy. I just want my kid to bring someone home that makes him truly happy, that can put up with his shit and who was as devoted to family as he is. I don't care if they have pink hair, no hair, long hair. Just love in their hearts. That's it.

[Swistle]

Oh, I went through this EXACT SAME THING the other day. I was feeling angry in advance at my parents, because I know that if one of my children is gay they won't handle it well at all, and I was feeling all righteous about how that wouldn't be a problem for me. Then I thought, "But what if one of them joins a church and starts asking people to pray piously for my soul? Or what if one of them is half of a couple that gets pregnant in high school and decides to give My Grandbaby up for adoption?"---and I felt a little different about how righteous I was.

[Lori]

Very cool T. I get it.

[Beth from SJ]

Wow, great post. This actually hits me hard at home. My son, who is 9, was recently called gay for having friends that are girls and liking "girl things". This was in my own backyard and my husband overheard the entire thing - the chanting of "G-A-Y GAY!" This child, who lives behind us, was sent home by my husband, but not before being told we don't speak that way in our home or treat others that way...I actually wrote about it on my fb page - if you're interested, I can cut and paste it here or on an email. If not, no worries!

[mom-101]

I think the religious thing would kill Nate too.

All we can hope is that we did right by our kids best we could so they can make the best possible decisions that won't hurt them or hurt someone else.

One day at a time, right? Because projecting the "what ifs" so far we're talking about dating and bad hair...too much to handle!

[the new girl]

@a: I agree. I think, in fact, there is an implication of internal conflict if you feel the need to 'accept' something about someone else's behavior or choices. If it is a decision to accept it vs. being just your natural reaction to begin with, if you see what I mean.

The 'you look awful' filled with love, I don't know. Part of what I'm examining for myself is how to fully accept choices that I may not agree with, without implicitly or outwardly rejecting my kid. If she's happy with her piercings and she's made her decisions responsibly, with regard to the possible consequences, I don't want to tell her she looks awful, rejecting that part of her, when it may be her idea of pretty. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

This is all future-talk, though, obviously, for when she's old enough to make the kind of decisions that I'm talking about.

[Lisa]

Ooof . . .When a senior in highschool, my free-thinking, liberal-ish daughter did come home w/a bigot-boyfriend and a newfound devotion to religion (of the pentecostal* variation) . . . *DISCLAIMER: There is nothing particularly objectionable about religion (this one specifically or in broader terms). But in this situation, it was so out of character and her devotion was fervent and sudden. It felt somewhat cultish. I did not handle it well (and to be fair *she* did not handle it well) and it made for a heartbreaking parent/senior experience. I am emphasizing 'senior' because I think the root of it all was the proverbial 'cutting the cord'. . The 'phase' lasted until just before graduation and everything was eventually healed. . . however, I cannot express here how devastated and rejected I felt at the time. The bigger picture is that we were extremely connected (not always in a good way)and that experience made us both stronger people and I think we have a better appreciation for each other as a result.

[a]

I think acceptance and disagreement are not mutually exclusive. You can put a whole lotta love into "You look awful." :)

I do hope that my daughter and I have similar outlooks on life, but since her personality is so similar to my husband's, I know we are in for a lifetime of conflicting opinions. I just hope I'm able to convey to her how much she means to me.

[Manic Mommy]

Like R, I've thought of the 'if he's gay' scenario and it's a no brainer. I love who he is - all of him - and I want him to be happy. But I never thought of 'if he's intolerant'. I'm sure I would view it as a failing on my/our part as parents. But I'd still love him.

Thanks for giving me something else to worry about.

[Keila]

I have to tell you that be raised by a mom that was the complete opposite of exactly what you just described - I craved that kind of love and acceptance. Mind you I was a pretty normal run of the mill kid but yet everything I did was wrong. NOW as an adult - I know better therefore I do better. GOOD for you in having this moment.

HUGS
K

[attiton]

I always thought that it was our kids' *job* to find EXACTLY the lifestyle that would push our Arrgh Buttons(TM) the most and then hit them really, really hard and with great frequency.

My daughter is definitely becoming an athlete/cheerleader. And not in the ways that you or any of your readers were probably athlete/cheerleaders, no. The crazy stereotypical kind.

[-R-]

Geez, I never thought of this. I have thought that if my son is gay, I would be supporting. But I never thought about what I would feel if he brings home his best friend, the Neo Nazi. Yikes. Or what if he becomes a Teaparty person!

Yeah, I'd still love him, but whoa.

[Mr Lady]

You know, dude, every day that my children get older, I struggle more with this concern. All I can do it teach them the few, basic things that I think make the bricks of the person they each will become. Most of who they are is negotiable, and I have to let it be that way even if I've got an overbearing know-it-all Republican and a crack addict sitting here, waiting to emerge. What I can do, the only thing I can do, is give them fundamentals and pray they build their walls on top of them.