I Swear, I'm Not TRYING To Be Birth Control.

'I don't want him. I don't even WANT him. And I don't want to be here.'

Even as the words are coming out of my mouth, I know I don't mean them, not really. But they feel good to say in those deep, dark, moments. I feel the swell of a giant wave coming to crash over me and keeping in the bitter words feels like trying to hold back the sea.  Not unlike the adolescent fights I had with my mother, yelling hurtful insults that I didn't really mean, like spitting so much bile. Now, as then, the horrible words and the inability to keep them in, serve as a gauge.  A pressure gauge. And I've been under a lot of pressure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My boy started out easier than his sister.  His reflux presented and was treated early.  He slept at night (OMG) in two chunks, each 3-4 hours, and even if I had to work to get him back to sleep, he'd go back down and stay asleep until the next feeding time.  About a month ago, though, his sleep started to erode.  Eventually, he stopped going down at night. Stopped sleeping almost all together, except in short, fitful bursts.

His 'bedtime' eventually landed at about 3am, where it stays now.  Any effort to put him down before that results in instant waking and screaming of indefinite length (let's just say that he can go longer than I can stand to listen.)  And this pattern has left me with less than 3 hours of sleep for 4 consecutive days.

My delicate constitution wasn't made to run on so little rest. Things start falling apart.

He is scheduled to see a pediatric GI specialist on Friday and I am hoping that with a better handle on his reflux that he might feel better and sleep better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even while it's still dark, when he smiles or latches on or finally falls asleep, when the wave has crashed and it pulls itself all the way back, I curl in on myself, around him.  I put my lips to the top of his fuzzy head and I weep. And I feel so small.  Smaller than he is.  This little guy, this beautiful little guy, who would be a gift and a joy to anyone. To you. To someone who would enjoy this rapidly passing time, the way a mother should.  To someone who does better on limited sleep. To someone who could better handle the pressure.

And I know that those thoughts (the ones underneath, the ones making all the bile to spit, the ones that are much harder and less satisfying to say) are no more true or fair than the others. I know it. I know. 

And I also know this: when he sleeps better, so will I.

Then The Crazy will go back to wherever it hides and it will take The Crazy Talk with it.

Until then, my pregnancy-contemplating friends, don't listen to a word it says.

Just look here:

Comments

[slouchy]

i'm sorry. i hope there are answers soon.

i remember, too.

[Amy]

I have never commented either but I was soooo there. My son is ten months old and I almost could not finish reading this. It all came back to me. I remember hitting that wall. Everyone told me I would come out on the other side and you will too but it sucks getting there. Day by day...minute by minute just breathe in and out. The Crazy will leave...I promise.

[Forgotten]

I swear to you that I would come over and help if I was close enough. Heck, if I had the money, I'd load up me and my munchkins and come up and stay for a week or so and help you out. I hate that this is so hard and I really hope that the Dr finds an answer to help. My little guys both had reflux. They would spend some nights sleeping in their bouncy seats just to keep them upright enough to keep the reflux at bay. Get a wedge pillow for him to sleep on to prop him up some so keep the reflux down. Keep trying the meds. Be careful of Eurythromyacin. It causes severe stomach cramps in adults and I'm sure it does the same for infants. I took mine off of it and made them switch them to something else and it was like night and day so just keep trying. I'm with the rest of the commenters just holding hands and trying to hold you up from here.

[Lippy]

I don't have anything new to add, just wanted tell you I feel for you. We have all experienced this, but it sound like you are getting a much bigger dose than most.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

You have completely changed my mind about having another baby. You should be careful what you write, you know.

(Heh).

[anne nahm]

So many hugs for you. Two of my three kids had reflux issues and I never cried so much in my life. People would say, "get someone to come over and help", but WhoTheEFF do you call to come over and sit with your kid at three in the morning so you can get four hours uninterrupted sleep? And even if there was such a magical person, could you sleep in the same house as all the crying?! That's what I always thought, anyway, as my eyeball twitched and I nodded at the suggestion. Sorry. My eyeball is twitching a little just remembering. So many hugs.

[jodifur]

I can't even imagine. Michael was always a good sleeper, and WITH EVERYTHING ELSE, at least we have that. And I know it sounds stupid and crazy but it will be ok. And I wished I lived closer b/c I would come and hold him just so you could sleep. Because you were such a lifeline for me and I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you.

[caramama]

Once again, I'm going through the exact same thing you are. Luckily, we are working our way to the other side.

We seem to be at the end of the sleep regression, my SIL is coming over one night a week to take night duty, and we have started the whole sleep training thing.

In fact last night? The baby woke up twice! Instead of nursing all freaking night long and flipping out when I try to get him off my nipple. It was like a miracle, and I hope it continues. The almost 3 year old, on the other hand, was up and difficult all night--but my husband takes care of her during the night, so I actually had a pretty good night for once! Oh, plus the upped dosage of meds seems to be kicking in. :-)

You'll be on the other side soon. You will. I hope it happens soon for you guys.

[Trenches of Mommyhood]

I get this. I so do. Am just starting to document my own Crazy now, more than 4 YEARS LATER.

[jive turkey]

Oh, man. I'm sorry it's been a rough go lately. Hoping both of you feel better & sleep better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself; NO ONE deals well with sleep deprivation. You're doing the best you can.

[angelynn]

Hang in there! I know what you mean. My first son had reflux and it took weeks to find the right medication that made it possible for him to not scream in pain. I once came home from a trip to the grocery store to find my husband sitting on a chair wearing noise-canceling headphones and a look of utter defeat while our son was screaming at the top of his lungs on his lap. It got better. It took time and a lot of tag-team care but we got through it. Knowing that we were doing everything we possibly could helped. I cried and wished we could do more, but eventually we found what worked. You are not alone. I hope you find what works quickly for him and for you. Good luck!

[BMom]

Ah crap, not sure if my last post went through. So here goes again in briefer form - you have done a really good thing by posting this. Cause if the internet had been around when I was going through this, it would have helped. A LOT. Just knowing you aren't alone is the best thing sometimes. Thinking of you as you get through these nights and days. Take care.

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

So sorry. Those nights are so tough. It will get better. You know this already. I know in the moment it doesn't seem like it. I don't handle too little sleep well either. Take care. Hope things get better soon.

[Swistle]

I don't think ANYONE does better than that on limited sleep. You still love him, you still care for him, you are doing great. And I am trying to be reassuring by I am also thinking THIS CANNOT STAND, OH PLEASE LET THE DOCTOR FIND ANSWERS.

[bea]

What's most shocking to me about this post is how thoroughly I had forgotten that I have been EXACTLY THERE, saying those same words. And this reality is what makes me so angry at the rhetoric of certain kinds of baby gurus who view "sleep training" as a form of child abuse, as if sleep is a luxury desired only by selfish mothers.

[Kader]

I've been thinking and thinking about this post since I read it hours ago. Ditto to what several others said about how important it is to put this "out there." I had mild sleep deprivation (1 night of 4 hours sleep) last night, and I felt like there was no way I'd make it through the day today. I did, of course, but I was angry at everyone--the world, the baby, myself, my hubs, etc. It's SO HARD without sleep. And there's not much to do about it but put our heads down and make it through.

I love the idea that we're all holding hands here... My hand is reaching out to you whenever you need it.

You're going to make it and, on the other side, will be your two happy, beautiful kids. At least some of the time!

[Jenna]

Oh yes, we've all been there. When my second (who's now almost 8 months) was not sleeping this fall, I almost lost my mind. It was slow and I KNEW it was about sleep deprivation. But that didn't stop me from feeling poisoned and poisonous. It is a frightening thing, what happens to us when we don't sleep.

We are all holding your hands here. You are not alone.

[Amanda]

I've never commented before, but I just had to chime in and say DITTO to what everyone said above...first, thank you for sharing this, as so many people are likely taking comfort from it, and second, hang in there and know how many people are out there, virtually supporting you. I've had much the same experience with our second - a little fussy at first, but nothing unusual, and even started sleeping through the night (9-10 hours) at about eight weeks. Then, out of nowhere, just STOPPED SLEEPING. At night, during the day, whenever...would not sleep, would only scream. I remember trying for two hours one night, from 2-4 a.m., and finally putting him in the car and just drove around, crying and screaming with him, for another hour, so that my husband and older child wouldn't hear me. It's the loneliest (and most inadequate) I've ever felt in my life, and it feels that much worse because it comes on no sleep to help you maintain some perspective.

Zantac has worked miracles for us, and I second what the other poster said about cereal bottles - we started just a little bit at around 3-4 months (with prune juice, too, as constipation became a big problem, even with breast milk), and I think it helped to keep the food down in his belly. He's now ten months old and the most unbelievably happy and good-natured baby, finally napping on a decent schedule and sleeping twelve hours a night. I joke that he never cries because he got it all out of his system in those first few months - but it certainly doesn't feel like a joke when you're living through it, especially with a preschooler needing your time/attention. Good luck.

[Gaby]

I have not gone through what you're going through (yet...ask me in 5 months), but I wanted to see if you have anyone who can come by and give you an hour's reprieve? So you can take a nap? And I'm sure you just emitted an Edna Crabapple-type laugh, as in, Right, nap when he's screaming his head off?! but I'd say you go to an hourly hotel, check in, shower, close all of the curtains, and nap. It'd be worth the financial cost. Or, have a friend/family member who truly gets it come and take your little ones to their house for a bit. You need this. Best of luck to you.

[Clink]

Seriously? I think that would make me one of those women to leave their kids...well not really (maybe).
Not fair sticking the heart breakingly cute baby picture at the end.
Maybe I'll start a new blog; On The Fence.

[Manic Mommy]

Oh, T. This post brought tears to my eyes. Sleeplessness is the worst torture. Remember your thoughts aren't actions.

I wish we lived closer.

[Beth from SJ]

You really are the best for posting this. I wish I had something like this read 9 years ago when I sitting on the floor sobbing saying, "I just want him to go away. I want things the way they were BEFORE he was born." No one quite understood. Then my son was diagnosed with reflux, severe enough that he was in Philadelphia Children's Hospital for 4 days. At one point he was refluxing for 86 minutes straight, non-stop. He was put on xantac & reglan along with several cereal bottles - thick like pudding! This was the prescription from 2 GI doctors, one @ CHOP & one @ DuPont Children's Hosp. The idea is the cereal holds the food down, it's gravity, and prevents the reflux. It wasn't at every feeding, I think it was 3X a day. But it did help, tremendously. Much love and luck to you. Please keep us posted on your progress with him!

[Keila Pernia]

Hey New Girl,

First and foremost remember that this is but but a moment in your entire life. That is what gets me by with my 7 month old.

My only suggestion is if someone can help you out. My mother in law was so much help for us with Jack was born. Now my aunt takes him once a week. I use that one day to do whatever the eff I please. Last week I cleaned but tomorrow my behind is reading!

Hugs to you and hang in there
K

[lora]

my son, when swaddled, was the exact size of the garbage can opening. I really just wanted to lay him in there and put him curbside.

Then one day, it got better, and I didn't want to throw my baby away anymore.

Most days.

There was nothing beautiful or miraculous or wonderful or JohnsonandJohnsony about the first few months of his life.

But, I had those glimmery moments, and that's why you didn't see me on the evening news. I'm guessing that's why I'm not seeing you on Channel 10 either.

Love to you.
It will get better, I promise.

[Kelly]

I am so there with you - my now 4 1/2 month old was sleeping like a champ, 7 - 3 or 4, even 5 until I went back to work and she started daycare and between colds and who knows what we are back to sleepless nights. I don't remember the last night I got 5 straight hours (what my ob says you need to remain sane, twice a week at least). Hopefully the GI will help - our reflux is managed quite well with prevacid and she's also on the RS formula and mylicon... don't think that's our issue. Hopefully its yours and can be fixed!!! Big big big hugs.

[Gillian]

At one point, we were in a hotel, and I seriously contemplated putting him in the elevator, pressing the L button (for lobby), and stepping out of it. Whoever found him could have him.

It's brutal. We hear you.

[Sara S.]

Oh, New Girl. I've never commented before, but this post made me walk away from the computer because it brings back that awful time so vividly that I am shaking. I remember so many nights of sobbing while rocking the screaming baby and wondering why everyone else was a good mother but not me. Wondering how much gas was in the car and how far I could get if I just put the baby on the floor and ran out the door. I wish I had some comfort for you, but the only comfort I have is that you are not the only one, and that your words may help someone else know that too. Thank you for being brave enough to post this. I hope he sleeps better soon and The Crazy leaves.

[parkingathome]

Oh my god I know, I KNOW. I'm so sorry you're going through this, this place where you feel like you're going to just die from the exhaustion. We're all here for you in thought at least, though that's so worthless at this point. You'll make it! And everyone has had the horrible thoughts, we should all just list every single one out so that we all know that we're not insane or evil for having them, but we're all scared. Maybe I'll put a big ass post up on my blog with all the horrible things I've thought and people can come and write their horrible thoughts too and we'll all be okay about it because it's NORMAL.

[sam]

Dude. I know. It will get better. You're doing it. You'll get to the other side. He knows you love him.

[beanski]

No one can understand that feeling until they've lived it. Until they've functioned on no sleep for an extended period of time. My son, at 14 months, still doesn't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. He's allergic to eggs, we know this much, but I STILL don't know what else is keeping him up all night long. I have told my husband on numerous occassions that I will never ever recover from the guilt of wanting him to go away, from the guilt of wishing I never had a second baby. I will never be the same person for having had those thoughts. I don't mean it, no, and I do love him, yes. But living with no sleep is the worst thing I have ever lived through in my life.

Hang in there. HANG IN THERE.

[Julie @ Mommy Said What?]

This is exactly what I found so bloody hard the second time around. I knew it would pass, I knew my feelings were purely hormonal/sleep/PPD related, yet I couldn't do a DAMN THING TO STOP THEM.

For me, it was even more frustrating than not knowing.

Hold on.

[Sahara]

I'm so sorry. I've been there. I hated it. It is so so hard. I wish I could help when I hear stories like yours.

[Alias Mother]

One of the most humbling things about parenting for me has been the realization of what I turn into with no sleep. And it happens quickly. And it is frightening. And my daughter was a pretty good sleeper (I never took that for granted or assumed it had anything to do with me, JUST SO YOU KNOW), so it only happened periodically--usually when traveling.

I am so scared for this second time around, because this time I know what might happen and I am dutifully frightened.

Seriously, if I go through what you go through, you will see me on the evening news.

[Mama Bub]

I don't mean this to sound trite, but this very post will be the thing that someone will remember down the line when they are there and thinking they are the only one. I was so there two and half years ago, and imagine I'll be there again in four months. All anyone would talk to me about was how wonderful these moments were and to savor them. I just kept thinking, "Are you kidding me? What am I doing wrong?"