What's That Saying? Six Of One And You're Basically Fucked Either Way?

I have to put him down at some point, despite the screaming.

Because if I don't, I don't like the way it makes me feel. About my life, about this time, about him.

So, I put him down, turn the monitor sound to zero, walk away and get the house together or get dressed or shower or write a post because if I don't, I just don't like the way it feels.

And down he goes, into his safe bed and although the sound of the monitor is basically off and I can't hear it, I can still see the series of red lights go on and off, all the way to the top, with the volume of the (muted) screaming.

He's back there, crying, crying, wanting nothing more than to be in a sling, tied to my body. Snuggled close to his mommy, while I'm out here, trying to get a minute to breathe.

And the real kick to the head is this:

I don't like how that feels, either.

Comments

[Mocha]

Oof. That hurt. We all feel ya.

I'm not going to offer any suggestions, either. Because your title here pretty much already summed it up well. Just going to offer a "hang in there" because that appears to be your only choice.

[Emme Bea]

So sorry. Not much more I can say. Just... so sorry.

XOXO

[amanda]

Colic is the worst - it's total torture - horrifying. It WILL end. But OHMYGOD it sucks. I really thought I was going deaf from all of the screaming.

But it will, will, will end.

[mimi]

Ooooh. I read this and then started reading the comments, and can I tell you? My armpits started to prickle, my hands busted out sweaty, and my vision kinda blurred a little. MY PHYSICAL REACTION TO COLIC IS STILL THAT STRONG, THAT PANICKY. Jesus, and I'm up here in Canada with a nice latte and a fireplace and freedom and I just about passed out from panic.

You've done this before. Look at TLNG. She scarred? Nope. Neither is my kid, and MANY is the time I had to watch the lights on the (muted) monitor scale the heights as I hid in my basement cranking the volume on Arrested Development because I could still hear her screaming through the DUCTWORK.

It's not going to feel good. But taking a break is EXACTLY the right thing to do. You don't have to be happy about it. Jus get through it.

[Vicki]

Smack me if you want to...

I did this with twins. I promise you there is a light at the end of that tunnel. Its just hard to see with your eyes squeezed shut and your ears plugged while sitting in the corner of the shower rocking back and forth. I have been there (exactly there). I swear if I can do it, I know you can. I'm a pansy and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Just remember, you have super powers. When everything else fails, who comes through? You do. When they're sick and want someone, who is the best comfort in the world? You are. When they wake up first thing in the morning, who do they smile that million watt smile for? You. You are the sun, the moon, and the stars in their eyes and even though this is hard, when he gets older, you can hold it over his head for guilt-induced room cleaning for years. :-)

[Amelia Sprout]

Oh honey, get that boy some reflux meds if you haven't already.

I once (maybe more than that) went to the back yard so I couldn't hear her for a few minutes. Our house is so small I don't need a monitor and it was the best way I had to get away.

[anne nahm]

I seriously had flashbacks and the shakes reading. Nothing helped me except knowing someone else was responsible for picking the kid up. Then, oddly, the screaming was not as bad by half. Take care.

[The Domestic Goddess]

OH man. That was my first one. Cried for twelve hours a day and then ate the rest of the time. It sucked. I hated it. I thought I was an idiot for becoming a mother. But it wasn't my fault! Turns out it was reflux and colic. I've so been there. Sometimes you just have to put them down and let them cry.

[Swistle]

Oh poop. It's the Pooper Years. Well, VARIETY in bad feelings is good.

[Beth from SJ]

Oh New Girl even 9 yrs later I can still feel your pain...my son had severe reflux, was hospitalized and on 2 different meds. I remember him having an "episode" in my peds office and my ped saying to me, "You are not going to be able to take this 24/7. So whenever you feel the need you put him in his crib, shut the door, and walk away. Take a shower, sit outside, he will be fine. He will not hurt himself from screaming his lungs out." It was the best advice she ever gave me. And as horrible as it sounds,one time I actually video taped him freaking - just to show my family that it wasn't your normal cranky baby. So I do feel your pain and I thank you for sharing it - when I had my son, I had no one to empathize with me. Hopefully some mom out there will read this and know she is not alone. Lots of love and positive energy being sent your way!!!

[Bon]

just reading made my heartrate accelerate with that panicky bad feeling. and it was a year ago for me.

i'm so sorry. you know it gets better, pretty fast. but i know it doesn't go fast when it's you and him doing it. hang on.

there will be good feelings. you're doing good. i promise?

[parkingathome]

God, A.Men.

[Marilyn]

I completely understand how you feel. My son went through a terrible phase of crying and I remember counting the time until he was four months old. Why four months? After I had my son we were given a DVD called "The Period of Purple Crying" and apparently the peak of really super upset non-stop crying is between 2 and 4 months. After that it starts to wane. It was a long 4 months but it really did start to get better and better and then he was totally fine and rarely cried (except in the middle of the night but that's another story). It's tough but sometimes you just need to walk away a bit to get a hold of yourself. I know I did it.

[jonniker]

Oh, doll. I know. I know this so well, you know I do. It will be over soon. IT WILL. You're at the peak. It's on the upswing. I know it.

[Shelly]

I can't think of anything better to say than echoing an earlier fucking-a. Jeezus and a stick that sucks and I am so freaking sorry.

[She Likes Purple]

I choke up just reading this because it puts me right back there, to not liking how anything feels, the screaming all day, the pained look on my baby's face that I could never get to go away, no matter what I did.

I can hardly believe it's the same baby as the one I have now. I can hardly believe it was ever that hard, until I read something like this and my stomach tightens up, like a Pavlovian reaction.

You are so not alone, but I remember how alone I felt back then.

[attiton]

Fucking-a. What a crappy deal.

[Shannon]

Six minutes of blessed respite, even if you can still hear the baby crying, is sometimes better than half a dozen of the mindfuck of trying to console an inconsolable infant. But honey, I feel your pain! Walking away doesn't feel good but sometimes it's necessary. You're doing the right thing!

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I know. I know. I know.

Taking a break, just as you are, is highly underrated. You will feel horrible for a while, but you will feel so much more love when you return to him.

[Manic Mommy]

I distinctly remember my husband calling our firstborn an asshole. Sometimes they are. It sucks and you're doing the right thing. I like the slogan idea. How about:

Motherhood. You Just Can't Win.

[caramama]

Oh, girl! I really feel for you. My first was like this. It really does feel like we're effed either way. I ended up figuring out how to do EVERYTHING with her in a sling or as quick as possible while she screamed. Some kids are just like that for a while.

Can you get any help? Someone else to hold the baby while you take some time for yourself? I'm sure you've thought of that and are doing it as much as possible, but I felt compelled to write it anyway.

Good luck and I hope this stage passes quickly!

[Julie @ Mommy Said What?]

You sound exactly like me when my daughter was an infant. She's almost 2, and I'm still all she wants. Also, the reflux has the added guilt of, "What if she's in pain?" I think I understand what you're going through.

That, combined with my PPD, was too much to bear.

I had a respite worker, government-paid (g-d bless Canada). Is there any possibility of getting some help?

I wish there was something I could do for you. Really. Hang in there.

[Claire]

Yes, I remember that. It's hard. It sounds so callous people saying, "harden your heart" or things like that because it really grinds on a mom's brain. But in the end, giving him time away and a chance to figure it out on his own is totally worth it for you and him.

[shriek house]

Ooohhhh, I remember that. It so hard, and good for you for taking time away from the screaming, even though *that* is hard too. He's already past the peak time for this, you're almost there. Hang in there, you're doing great (slapworthy words in some contexts, so slap away at me if you need to!)

[lora]

damned if you do, damned if you don't.

so, my kid has taken to telling me that he remembers when he was a tiny tiny baby (his words) that I would let him cry and cry and cry and he was all by himself.

now, I really doubt he remembers this, although the kid has a freakishly good memory (as do most little kids) but he sure does hurt my heart every time he says it.
I want to stage a 48 hour viewing marathon of sprout and nick and disney to see what the hell show there was showing a crying baby that wasn't tended to by its mother. I'm quite sure that's where all this is coming from. Television.

Probably that little bald dick Calliou.

[Tessie]

Oh, this is so hard. When Ava was a baby, I remember feeling so frustrated because I was miserable when I was WITH her, but miserable when I WASN'T with her too. I think Moxie calls it "being held hostage by love". WORST.

You're doing great. Hang in there.

[Laura]

It is never easy...heartbreaking, in fact... just know that we've all been there and that he will be fine.

[Carolyn]

I had the same thing happen with my second one. I was the ONLY person that she wanted and she wanted me ALL the time. It's very stressful and horribly, horribly hard. You are putting him down where he is safe, turn the monitor around so you can't see the lights and stop beating yourself up. You are a good mom.

[Jenni]

Oh, that's the worst. Just remember, this too shall pass. Really.

[Maria]

Oh, it will get better. I'm so sorry though.

A couple of months ago we ended up stuck on the Interstate with the baby crying in the back seat and the preschooler screaming at him in the back seat.

It only lasted about half an hour, but I lost it by the end of the night. Ended up laying on a tile floor and crying and crying and crying and thinking about running away. They baby wouldn't sleep and I couldn't touch him I was so angry.

It is okay to feel horrible. Not that that helps. But it will pass. Hang in there.

[Erica]

I think the title of this post should be the new slogan for motherhood because it's SO! TRUE!

[dawn]

dude. welcome to my fucking world when alex was little. It sucks ass. I know. xoxo

[amy]

I'm so sorry hon :( It will get better. ~hugs~

[VDog]

And now here's the stupid: Have you tried a swing? heh

Congratulations on having the courage to tell it like it is.

Know that all us mamas are here giving you virtual hugs, having been there ourselves.

XOXO

[Suebob]

There is a reason that the sound of an infant screaming has been used as a torture device.

You're a good mom.