Turn And Face The Strange.

A Little over two years ago, my [Hazing Type Initiation] foray into First Time Motherhood was, er, [like a 7 month-long Hell Week] trying to say the least.  It was a steep-ass learning curve with an infant who [was like a Monster From Somewhere Evil] most likely had colic AND untreated reflux and who was [constantly level 10 wailing] uncomfortable and fussy.  Ahem.

To be totally serious for one split second, it was Traumatizing.  For reals.  If I might review for a moment, there wasn't a new experience that didn't make TLNG scream uncontrollably and inconsolably.  The car seat, the swing, any trip in a moving vehicle, the crib, the co-sleeper, the sling, the bed, the bathtub, a family party, people touching her, people LOOKING at her (so not kidding, my sister used to look at her on a 45 degree angle, for fuck's sake,) the doctor, the grocery store, the library, EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE.  It left me feeling helpless and depressed, because SERIOUSLY, having an inconsolable infant is incredibly difficult--if you've ever been there, you KNOW what I'm saying.  That shit is HARD, yo.

Part of my ambivalence about having another was the 'What If That Shit Happens Again?' type thought process, which came along with an Unbidden Mental Image of me flinging myself off The Ben Franklin Bridge, leaving two kids and a clueless spouse behind.  Not nice.  The other alternative, which was almost as unpleasant, believe it or not, was that the second baby would be EASY (because no WAY could I get TWO like the first).  In that scenario, I felt possibly-slash-retroactively bad for TLNG, knowing that everyone would be remembering her hell-days (long, LONG gone now) and comparing her to a potentially *nicer* sibling.  Strange, I know, but true.

As it turns out, The Boy is who he is.  And who he is does seem Easier.  He eats [the geysers that are mah boobies] without difficulty.  He sleeps in 3-4 hour chunks.  He cries when he's hungry or when he's not eating or sleeping.  When you pick him up, he does this weird thing...he like, stops crying.  He sleeps in the car seat in his crib.  And in the car.  And in the sling, when I'm out and about.  He had his first family party last night and he..er...SLEPT THROUGH IT.  It is utterly foreign to me. 

And I am completely suspect.

I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the screamies to start.  I keep thinking that he's so new still and this maaaaay just be the very early newborn phase.  That soon, we'll have to deal with the inconsolable craziness.

And then there's this: Whenever he cries for more than 15.4 seconds, I start to have a flashback, no shit.  I get INSTANTLY frustrated and depressed and it's BIZARRE.  I know that some of it is hormones and reliving the only other experience of Mothering an Infant that I have.

We ARE comparing, though, and remembering.  Last night, on our way home from the Family Dinner, The Man and I had a moment of, 'Holy Shit, do you remember what this trip sounded like two years ago? WHAAAAAAA!! WHAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!'  For whatever reason, it does make me feel kind of bad but it's hard not to do.  And I'm sure as The Boy gets a little older and [grows out of the Eating Machine phase] starts to grow a personality, it will be easier to appreciate him for who he is.

Besides, when I look at my girl now, I realize how fast those Crazy Infant Days go.  And let's be honest, that's more than FINE with me.

I DO prefer a baby with a little more time under his or her belt.

 

Comments

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I feel you on the flashbacks and the guilt. Try not to be too hard on yourself; as my shrink told me when I was PG with CJ, worrying about the same stuff, your experience with TLNG as an infant have not had a negative impact on your relationship with her now. It's all good.

And speaking of TLNG, I bet she is one heck of a great big sister.

[Xi_Heather]

Ah, yes, I remember so well. It turns out our first child cried a LOT and woke up every 2 hours at night for more than two years (I don't know how I did it), but the second...ah, the second. I slept better when he was born than I had in 3 years. It was fantastic.

As for the other shoe dropping...that didn't really happen. As older kids (now 9 and 6) the older one is really easygoing, even though he had a harder time as an infant. And the younger one, such an easy adjustment as a babe, turned out as he got older to have a stubborn streak to beat no other.

So I don't think you really need to worry about the shoe dropping. That isn't the same as saying that there won't be times of frustration; they're just DIFFERENT ones. The boy will come up with his own charming ways of driving you round the bed, and you'll be able to handle it. I love my kids and think they are fantastic, but I can honestly say that THE hardest time in parenting was the first 8 months of my older child. As it turned out, however, that neither set the stage for babyhood in general nor set the stage for my older one's personality. It just was what it was: a hard 8 months.

[caramama]

We're in a very similar boat. Even small differences between the two kiddos are amazing, but then add in car rides that don't have the infant screaming as if they are in fear for their lives? Now, I just discovered that my current baby might have the ability to self-soothe! No freaking way!

But what you said here: "In that scenario, I felt possibly-slash-retroactively bad for TLNG, knowing that everyone would be remembering her hell-days (long, LONG gone now) and comparing her to a potentially *nicer* sibling." I know EXACTLY how you feel. My daughter is so amazing, and certainly much of her amazingness goes hand-in-hand with what made her such a "hard" baby. I feel all torn up and confused about this aspect of having an "easier" second baby...

[Meredith]

Oh sweetness. In my experience the crankiest baby girls make the best big sisters. Looks like TLNG has really taken to the job.

[Carrie]

David Bowie eh? Love it!

The kids are adorable, and I hope things continue smoothly. Mine were opposite, textbook first kid, nightmare second.

Believe it or not, that's worse.

[The Domestic Goddess]

I had the same reaction with my second one. The first one had a bad case of the Screamies and the Pukies and it was a living hell. And then I was quickly pregges with the second one. And he was dream baby, sleeping, eating, cooing, happy. It was surreal.

The other shoe might not drop. So enjoy it!

[Stimey]

Those two are soooo cute together! I'm glad you're getting a mellow ride right now. My fingers are crossed for you that it continues!!

[Lori]

Oh my, he is just too cute wrapped up like a burrito in those photos! And you daughter is just lovely. No two kids are the same so they will both understand the stories when they get older I am sure. From what I hear about raising boys, the trouble doesn't start until later. I would enjoy it while you can ;)

[Joann]

My Grandson, my daughters second child, had colic that lasted about 4 months. I had never heard a baby in such distress. He was obviously in pain. She handled it so well altho it completely exhausted her...he did sleep at night but other than that being held and comforted was the only thing that helped him. I'm so glad your new baby, and you, have not had that terrible experience. My daughter, who breastfed, was told his digestive system was immature and he experienced cramping. He was especially uncomfortable in the car seat which slanted him .... it was that position that caused his problem.

[RuthWells]

Sounds like you're having some perfectly understandable PTSD symptoms, for realz. Keep breathing. And what a perfect big sister TLNG is being in those photos....

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

I got flashbacks from this post, so you know I know EXACTLY where you're coming from.

J had sever colic/hated people/screamed constantly. C didn't but she has her own, um, issues (cough*sleepisforwusses*cough) and yet we're all surviving. And sometimes, occasionally, every once in a while, the laughter makes up for it all. Then they tackle the cat or refuse to go w/ their grandparents and we're back to square one. :)

He's edible. They both are. xoxoxo

[jonniker]

Before I have a second kid, dude, I'm going to have to get my ass over to your house again to learn to use a sling.

I'm so glad things are better. God knows you deserve it. After the hell that was my daughter's infancy, it gives me wild hope that MAAAAYBE I could do this again. MAAAYYYYBE.

I also want to say that things could get a little harder, but that DOES NOT MEAN that he's going to be like TLNG. Six-week fussiness peak and all that -- most babies go through SOME version, but that does NOT MEAN HE IS GOING TO BE ALL SCREAM, ALL THE TIME. Also, even if he turned out to be EXACTLY lke TLNG, it would never be the exactly the same. Ever. You know what you're doing, you'd have his ass in the doctor before you could even SAY "REFLUX!" and you'd be out of the screaming woods before the kid turned eight weeks.

But I also don't think that's going to happen. I really and truly don't.

[Kelly]

I was awake for some reason at 2am and I started thinking about you, hoping that this transition has been easier.

Here's to hoping the other shoe stays firmly on the foot. It does happen!

And I so know what you mean. It's like some post-partum version of PTSD. Although my kids were the other way around, kind of hard and then super friggin' hard, just recalling Lil's infancy gives me tremors.

[marty]

And here I was, all prepared to send you pictures and emails and huge amounts of support because you did SO much to help me through my first.

I am so glad that it is going so well with you and your family. So so glad!

[Clink]

I firmly believe in balance. That little boy of yours is there to show you how an infant can be (sometimes) peaceful. You'll fall into the comfort of that eventually. Maybe when you shake those evil hormones off.
Until then just bask in the beauty of your kids...there is a lot to bask in there.
Congratulations :)

[Keila Pernia]

My first experience sounds EXACTLY like your first experience. Dude I was so scared that I waited 12 years before doing it again. I was left so traumatized by that experience that on my first night home from bringing home my son, I just burst into tears.. YES BITCHES TEARS OF FEAR!!!!! I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, thinking that I would have the same experience that I started to cry. He was perfect(or should I say "normal")! I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and I have been waiting 4 months now.. He is a great little man! Different from my daughter. I do feel bad that I have very few positive happy memories of her first 6 months but shit that is her fault;)

[Shelly]

Amazingly adorable pics!!

Part of the reason I'm only having one kid is that I live in fear of having your #1 child experience. My baby was fairly low maintenance other than a deep, deep hatred of riding in the car that lasted until she was 2. I am afraid that since I did pretty well the first time around, I am doomed to have a baby that will make me cry in desperation 24/7. Sad, but true.

[julie]

Wow. I could have written that, verbatim, about my daughter. Except her reflux was diagnosed and medicated. Made little difference. She hated everything.

But she was my second, and my first had been a textbook angel baby. If she had been my first, I don't think I'd have had the courage to do it again. But you did. And look what you got.

Congratulations. Enjoy him. He's absolutely beautiful. And quiet.

[Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)]

My first baby experience was rough too. I've long wondered if the problem was my son or me. (I think a bit of both.) My son is crazy active and a highly emotional fellow. I knew nothing about babies (or patience) and it made our first six months together a rough go. My experience with my daughter has been completely different. Again I think it's combo of my daughter having a more laid back personality and me being a more experienced (and therefore more laid-back) mom. She's one next week and I'm struck by the old cliche of how fast the time has gone. I felt a bit sad today when I was snuggling her because she's my last baby and she's almost a kid. I found myself (for a moment) wishing I could have another baby...and then I got a grip on myself and made myself a cup of coffee.

[Di]

Congrats on the Boy.

My Boy is a month old today and I'm facing the same thing. Although The Girl was pretty sweet from the get go, I am still having an easier time with him. I think it's a lot to do with having a vague idea what I'm doing this time around and partly because last time, I had undiagnosed PPD, and that pretty much kicked my ass for the first 4 months.

Good luck - they are both adorable!

[J from Ireland]

I have been dying to hear how you ahve been getting on.
I am delighted its a little different to TLNG. I have been reading you since she was born and you went through a very difficult time, definitly must have been colic or something.
He is just beautiful and of course so is his big sister.
Does the TLNG look huge and all grown up beside him? I always thought mine were monsters in comparsion to my newborns and nearly half reared!!

[Swistle]

OMG, and does TLNG seem HUGE and MATURE now? I remember my 2-year-old firstborn seemed like a FIRST GRADER or something in comparison to my newborn.

[Manic Mommy]

I'm so happy he's doing well! I'm headed over to Twitter to stalk you in real time. Look at that BIG SISTER!

[Christine]

I found your blog when I was searching for help with my first daughter who was just like TLNG. Your posts have really helped me during some tough days! I too prepared myself for another epic battle with my #2 but she was an angel. Almost 6 months old and she's still an angel.

People say to me "well maybe you are just more comfortable this time and that is why she is so good". No way! Nothing I did could have made my first daughter that miserable. She was just angry and to this day is still feisty. #2 is just chillin' and loving life and I am so grateful.

We do compare them all the time, I am sure most people compare their kids. Its hard not to compare though because this baby does everything with such ease. Maybe she'll be big trouble when she is 16 but for now I don't care :)

[MidLifeMama]

I am not having another one because my first one has been so good for the most part and I am convinced the universe is going to mock me and give me TLNG the second time around. And the other shoe will drop, just in a way you aren't expecting. Like the kid will eat food, but only three kinds of food, none of which are meat, like chicken fingers. All kids are hard, just in different ways.

[Mimi]

He's reeeeeally cute. TLNG looks like she is loving him.

[Beth from SJ]

You hit the nail on the head with your description, as per! My waiting for the shoe to drop was with my 3rd child. My 2nd had the same issues as TLNG. (I remember sobbing to my pediatrician that he was so unhappy and miserable he'd probably never make friends when he was grown!) The misery of my 2nd experience wiped out all the positive of my firstborn and throughout my 3rd pregnancy I would start panicking about having another infant like #2. But turned out #3 was the absolute best infant ever! It was like walking on eggshells the first few weeks, waiting for the miseray to commence, but it never did. So I really have no advice for you except to enjoy your boy and keep your fingers crossed!!!