Broken. Or, Possibly Just Decompensating.

My daughter broke my camera.

My really good camera.  That I love.

I rounded the corner into the kitchen, after I heard the crashy sound and saw her standing there, strap in hand, having pulled the camera from the middle of the island counter.

And I flipped my lid.  I pointed and yelled and she immediately burst into hysterical tears, calling for her Baby-Baby for steady comfort in the face of my instantaneous personality change.  Cold Water Dousing could not have been more effective for Snapping To and we cuddled for a minute, with me apologizing for yelling and with her shaky and intermittently weepy.

Then I went to check my camera and found that it is broken.

And I was devastated.  I couldn't stop crying.

I turned on The Wonder Pets and ran a bath for myself, For To Weep In Private, mostly to avoid inflicting further trauma on my empathic little kid.  While in there, [in between SOBS] I wondered about myself for caring so much about a stupid material possession (even if it is one of only a few about which I honestly care at all,) that I yelled about her breaking my good camera before even considering the possibility that she could have smashed her face in with it instead. That part was an afterthought.

Of course, if I'd rounded the corner and seen a smashed in face, I imagine that the camera would have been my afterthought. 

But still. 

I know it was my own stupid fault for leaving it there and although she could probably pull it down from ANYWHERE I would put it now, it still isn't her fault, per se.  Grappling with my feelings of resentment (ack) and anger at myself is intensified by my almost-constant physical discomfort and hormonal nightmare I am experiencing at the moment.  Not to mention, recognizing the urge to go on and on about the broken camera--to lay on some guilt/shame in the way my own mother would have (AAACK) is disturbing, despite my successful effort to, um, NOT.

So, I told myself to cry in the bath and then let it go.  The camera is just a thing and can be fixed or [gulp] replaced.  My kid didn't smash her face in.  And she's only two, after all, she doesn't know any better

Unless, of course, she's an Evil Mastermind who doesn't want me to get ANY GOOD PICTURES of her rotten little brother, due in days.

Comments

[Samantha]

Can I just say, Your kid draws really well!!!

[Bon]

ah. you hit some nerves with this one...because i know i walk this line myself and fight the ingrained urge to rub things in, to lay on guilt & shame, and i'm still struggling with the idea that that's just not how things must be done. because if it's not, how do i reconcile so much of my entire childhood?

sigh. uh, i mean, love to you. forgot. this is about you. when you 83 weeks pregnant, you get to have it be about you. :)

[Kelly]

Yeah, it's a pretty special object. I know it's not worth more than, say, your daughter's health and well-being. But, it's not exactly an item NOT worth losing one's cool over.

Still, I've done that shit. Losing it. And then subsequently feeling like world's biggest asshole. Apologizing makes them see you're human, and gives them a wonderful example. And how did I miss you're having a boy? Yahoooo!!

[Meredith]

It's so much easier when the husband breaks things because then you can totally yell at him.

Kudos to you for apologizing and taking that bath. I have unfortunately had to that way more than once with my four-year-old. The silver lining is that I have a four-year-old who is very good at verbalizing her feelings and understanding other people's emotions.

Hang in there and don't you dare let this be an excuse to not share baby pictures when the boy arrives! :)

[mamatulip]

Oh, UGH. Our camera broke two weeks before I delivered Oliver; the big difference being that I was the one who broke it. I wept, openly.

Hang in there, love.

[Juli Ryan]

I love it that you apologized for losing your cool, and that you went to have some "alone time" in the bath. You may not realize it, but by following your natural instincts, you have taught your daughter really important and good lessons.

It sucks when things break. Especially if you don't have the time or money to replace them. You are allowed to grieve. And perhaps believe that the universe has something better in store for you...

[Manic Mommy]

Remember this phrase: "We can't have nice things." I never recognized the truthiness of it until I had kids.

Sorry about your camera. Go get a point and shoot before Baby 2 arrives. Retail therapy is always better than crying in the bathroom. We've all been there.

[J from Ireland]

Aw Jaysus, you poor thing. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I was an absolute nutcase at this stage in my pregnancies. I shiver at the thoughts of the amount of times I flipped, my older kids now take the piss out of the crazy mother they had while I was pregnant!!

[marty]

I know this is going to happen in our house. Any. Day. Now. I have been trying to teach Bird to stop taking anything off the counters and tables, but to no avail. I would have lost my mind.

I'm so sorry. You really didn't need this right now :(

[julie]

OK, I feel compelled to comment here. Doesn't matter if "she's only 2." It's never too early to learn about respecting other people's property, and what she's allowed to play with and what she's not allowed to play with. And it's definitely ok for you to be upset about it.

Yes, it sucks to get angry in front of our children. Yes, it sucks to lash out. BUT - we also don't have to walk on eggshells. Better to explain to her why you're mad than act like this whole thing was your fault. She's not too young to learn. She just needs your help.

[jonniker]

Dude, I'd be upset, too. Very upset. You're allowed to care about stuff, you know, FOR YOU. You're also in that awful, awful, seconds-away-from-birth period that would make ANYONE flip their shit faster than a speeding bullet, and everyone -- including TLNG -- will cut you slack and totally forgive you.

xoxo

[brklyn]

I know it's easier said than done, but please don't be so hard on yourself.
Just after kid #3 was brought home from the hospital after my section (like, hours), kid #2 decided to go running into the woods behind our house. In the Canadian wilderness. During bear season. I was home alone with 3 kids and could barely walk, and had to leave 2 kids unattended in the house while I chased after him. My fault for not putting door locks beyond his reach, but damned if I didn't lose my mind nonetheless. There was much snot and tears to be had. I scared the shit outta him, and me too. Hormones, stress and all of those emotions mixed with your own physical pain/discomfort make for a perfect storm. We all fall. You got up again for some snugs with TLNG pretty quickly though, good on you.

[Erica]

You know, it's ok to care about your broken camera. It's ok to be super pissed that your daughter broke it. It's even ok to cry about it. I understand the guilt over yelling at her, but not the guilt over caring that something you really liked is broken.

We give SO MUCH to our kids. We sacrifice things we want in order to make their lives better/easier/more fulfilling. That's what we do because that's what being a parent is all about. HOWEVER that doesn't mean that we stop being selfish. I'd be unbelievably upset if Maddie broke/ruined something I really liked. I'd probably even be resentful about the fact that I couldn't replace it because I work a shitty job in order to stay home with her and keep her out of daycare. That's just human nature, my darling NG.

Please don't beat yourself up because this ONE TIME you put yourself first in your thoughts. TLNG was fine and there's no point in imagining smashed faces in order to persecute yourself some more. You yelled. You scared her. It's over.

Thus endeth the lecture.

[Angela]

Yikes. That sucks. I've had a flip out or two, or maybe three, in front of my kids. We're only human. Hope there's a quick fix for the camera.

[slouchy]

oh, hon. it's so hard right now -- just before the second kid. i remember. i'm really sorry about the camera. go easy on yourself, though, 'kay? xox

[Kristen]

Don't analyze it sister, because of course you could. Or I could.

It just sucks. Sorry :(

Maybe I'll hit the slots and buy you a new one. Meanwhile, get the girl a play camera!

xo