I'm Still Waiting For My Award. I Hope It's A Trophy.

A little over two years ago, I had a meds-free delivery.  It was a conscious choice that I made for a number of reasons, all of them personal, none of them having to do with feeling superior to others, liking pain or being a martyr or being irrational or crazy.  It wasn't even a decision I made hard and fast before I delivered.  Not knowing what to expect, I kept my mind open to the possibility of the option for medication.  It's not something that I ever really talk about or even mention, unless someone asks me the direct question (not unlike my practice with regard to not eating meat, which I tend to leave out of conversation, unless doing so would have some practical effect--[leave me with absolutely nothing to eat at a meat lovah's bbq] cause embarrassment and/or inconvenience to a host, say.) 

When I was pregnant, the question would inevitably come (which, why's that again?) about whether or not I was going to get an epidural.  Initially, I would phrase my thoughts thusly, 'Well, I am hoping to go without it, but I'll see what it's like.'  The range of responses that I received from other women ranged from 'Doubtful Wonder' straight through 'Condescension' and right up to 'Ridicule-slash-Mockery.'  Although I'm not easily insulted or offended, I took to rephrasing, to avoid the general discomfort of the sitch, there.  I became completely non-committal (I LOVE to not-commit!) and so, while I still got the occasional, 'Yeaaaah, when you're in there, you'll be SCREAMING for that needle!' there just wasn't enough for most people to grip onto when commenting on my *non-plan-plan.*

In the circle of Women I Know Who Have Birthed Children, even those included in the Many-Degrees-of-Separation-Game, I personally know five mothers who have made the choice to deliver without meds.  A very small minority.  Of course, there could be more, those who, like me, don't really talk about it in passing or enough that I would be aware of their choices.  Of course, it stands to reason, then, that I have met loads of women who have chosen to avail themselves of medication.  I don't know the actual percentages, but I can't imagine that the two numbers are even close.

What's my point, you ask?

Fair question, you.

And I'm sure you're glad that I'll be getting to one.

Anyway.

I am aware, from the many posts I've read on the topic that there are some people who *advocate* for a natural childbirth, who are *judgy* and *scary* and *evangelizing* this choice as if it were religion.    I've seen the crazy websites and heard about the 70's natural birthing videos, complete with mad amounts of pubic hair and orange juice. I haven't ever met one of these people, personally, though. 

What *I have* encountered is some weirdly intense resentment-like against people who Don't Opt for Medication.  Posts or comments in threads where I read about how people who Don't Opt for Medication are Judgers who think that they are better mothers than others, or who are just crazy, going through the equivalent of major surgery without an anesthesia, or (this one makes me chuckle) who are unaware that you don't go home from the hospital with an award for not taking meds.  None of these things were aimed directly at me, mind, and I haven't commented my views on posts like this.  (I wouldn't necessarily tell a person spouting this to me in the flesh, either, unless it would seriously come back to embarrass them if I didn't...I'm not really into embarrassing people, if you hadn't gathered that already.)

I just wonder how much of that rhetoric is a result of an actual, offensive conversation with a Natural Childbirth Zealot and how much of it is just easy to tap into for the sake of conversation or viewpoint comparison or whatever?  How many people actually bump into crazy women, spouting the EVILS of medication to them?  I'm not saying that it doesn't happen.  I'm not saying that I haven't seen the [Crazy Person] Naturovangelist who is spouting ridiculous statistics regarding the DAAAANGEROUS (completely safe) MEDICAL INTERVENTION (commonly/routinely used medication) in the comment section of a balanced post on the topic.  They always seem to me WAY in the minority, though, and mostly like any other kind of [radical weirdo] Dissenter whose comments aren't based on Logic and Reason. Or even Common Sense.

And, perhaps, if I WOULD speak up, if I would put forth my own ideas which have nothing to do with [illogical craziness] telling others what they should be doing, it might go toward re-framing their ideas about 'What kind of crazy woman would want that kind of paaaaain?' 

Like I said, I'm not easily offended or insulted and so I read the Natural Childbirth Option-Bashing with a grain of salt.  But soooometimes, (in any situation, really) I feel like the people crying the loudest about how they are Being Judged by Others? Sooooooometimes? Are also the Judgiest.

Of course, it could just be me.

I'm WICKED CRAZY.

Comments

[parkingathome]

I would tell people that I was planning on an epidural and got a lot of "good, you better" answers. Eventually it got to the point where I just naturally said, "of course I'm getting one, I'm not CRAZY" without even thinking of it.

After the fact, I had a labor that totally warranted the pain meds, and I get the trophy for the "my epidural stopped working during major surgery" thing.

[Lori]

LOL! I was wondering what your post title meant! That is classic.
I honestly can't remember ever asking someone whether or not they were going to do drugs or not. I had the drugs and never thought twice about it. The pain was too much for me, I am a wimp and admit it. In the end, I was just grateful for the choice. The judging and taking sides is too much, really. Same for breastfeeding... (P.S. I love the idea of a non-plan plan)

[jenni]

I had both my kids at home, so med free births as well. I have had similar experiences, where people think I'm crazy, that I love pain, remind me there is no award, etc. I think these people say these things because secretly they feel insecure about their decision to have an epidural, scheculed C-Section, etc. so are nasty as a way of making themselves feel better. But, it's not a contest. We don't need to understand each other's birthing decisions, but we should support them.

Personally, I don't give a shit how people do it - epidural, pain free, scheduled C-section. WHATEVER. People should get to have the birth they want, or at least try to have the birth they want.

[mom,again]

1st delivered with an ep. and *gasp* forceps after a long unproductive labor that had begun doubling up the contractions (ie: contraction, briefest of pauses, 2nd contraction, normal pause.) I was too exhausted to deal.

2nd delivered with no meds cause by the time I thought I wanted some, it was too late. PUSH NOW! Done.

3rd delivered overseas in the UK, I chose to use Entonox. why we don't have this in the states, I don't know. It's 50% oxygen, 50% nitrous oxide. Yeah, laughing gas. YOu breathe it in as the contraction rises and poof, you don't feel it for just that half a minute that you don't want to. Everything else you might need to feel, in order to know what's going on, you do feel. You aren't out of it, you aren't immobilized, none of the potential hazards of epidurals. When you get to the serious end stage of labor, they won't let you have it anymore. But in the lead up, it's fantastic. I got to move around, and I controlled how much I used by how deeply I breathed it in and by when I breathed it in. I may not have wanted it had labor progressed as it did with my second (textbook she was.) but with my first, I would have chosen it if it were available in the U.S. and with my last, I was glad of it. (We arrived at hosp. with maybe 1 cm dilation after 3 hours mild labor at home, he was delivered and I was in my room before 2 hours were up. He was a boy in a hurry, crashing his way through. Still is, come to think of it.)

But seriously, it's all good to plan, but you gotta be flexible. Hope for the best, plan for the worst and work with the situation as it develops. Make sure your birth coach/partner/whatever you call them knows your hopes and can back you up. But on the other hand, settle up, what matters most? Keeping to the plan, or keeping mother and child safest under the conditions that have developed?

[Well Read Hostess]

Dood. People who judge suck. Unless they are me, in which case they are usually kind of funny in their judginess, so it's worth putting up with.

I'm actually considering getting pregnant again JUST so I can have the drugs.

(That was a joke. I can just score the drugs from the dudes who hang out at the Sunoco).

You have a shit load of readers.

I'm jealous. Also lazy and not very creative these days, which is, I suppose, why I am jealous that you have a shitload of readers and I have not even a shitdroplet of readers.

Hope your uterus is happy and you don't barf so much these days.

love,
wrh

[Jennifer]

I had an emergency c-section with my second daughter. It wasn't planned, but that wasn't a valid reason not to have it. A birth plan is something everyone pregnant woman should have, but everyone has to realize that nothing on that plan is set in stone. Situations change.

I have never been able to have an unmedicated birth. I'm fine with that. I never really wanted one. I have a friend who planned on taking the drugs and last minute decided to go natural. It went so well for her, she went natural for her second too. I was in awe of her.

I think the problem with women is that we, being stereotypical here, are judgy. We look at other women and their decisions and judge them to be better or worse than ourselves. With pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood, there are a lot of things women can differ on, making all aspects prime targets for judgmental comments.

I won't pretend I don't judge other women. I do. But I find that I don't judge based on the whole parenting style thing. If you can make it through the day without causing harm to yourself or your kids, you deserve a trophy however you did it.

[julie]

Judging from other women is one thing.

In my prenatal class (before my 1st was born), one husband actually raised his hand and said, "I don't get this whole epidural thing. Shouldn't my wife be able to endure a little pain? I mean, really. Suck it up."

Suck. It. Up.

If ever there was a Lorena Bobbitt moment.

[patois]

I think it's all about what we put on ourselves. Someone talks about going without meds, and some of us who ended up with a C-section or long labor or what-have-you turn that low self-esteem of ours on and think you're dissin' us. Some of us feel as if we failed in some way and so we have to make others feel crappy about their own situations.

And I'm intentionally making it "us" and "we," including me in there. I actually don't feel bad in any way about how my kids came into being. I was meant to die in a field. I didn't. How could I possibly feel bad about that?

As for you, missy, go for it! Do what works for you! I suck with graphics, but I'll try to craft an award for you for either end result.

[Kelly]

Wow. Love the comments here. I pretty much endured the same. Planned on a midwife assisted birth at a free-standing birth center. Quickly learned NOT to share my birth plans with ANYONE, as contempt and derision were the response. I had someone laugh in my face, and also someone call my decision 'stupid' behind my back. (Awesome feeling. Thanks ladies!)

Of course, I ended up with a hospital transfer due to failure to progress, but that's another novel.

I distinctly remember being at a playground one day, with a toddler Hannah playing in the sandbox. Two other mothers were there discussing their birth experiences, and one said, "I can't believe there are women who actually don't want an epidural. They are clearly insane." Clearly insane. To paint a personal choice with such broad, demeaning strokes truly enraged me.

Never would I insult anyone for choosing pain medications for what is an intensely painful experience, but I expect the same kind of treatment in return.

[Beth from SJ]

Great topic, New Girl! Love all the comments. I've actually done all 3 - C-Section, No meds, and Epidural. I feel to each his own and I don't judge either way. That being said, the recovery for the no pain meds was worse than the c-section or epidural. Brutal. Dislocated hip and back in hospital 4 days after leaving. So when people judge me on the fact that I opted for an epi on the 3rd birth (1st was c-section, I had v-bacs)it really makes me angry. I needed to do what worked for me especially since I had 2 & 3 year old children at home - no way could I endure being unable to walk again. Each option is a different experience and should be looked at as that - different for each person. No judging allowed!

[Mary]

I went into my first birth with the same attitude as you, we'll see how it goes. After awhile, I really wanted something, and asked for it, but my blood pressure was so high they wouldn't give me anything. And I dealt with it, and was really proud of myself. My second one came in about two hours after I got the hospital, again without drugs.

My strongest memory of my third (now 12) also drugless, was being surprised how I'd forgotten how much it hurt. And thinking I really could not do this anymore, right before I started to push.

So, three kids, no epidural. And yeah, I'm pretty proud of that. You'll be fine. And if you're not, the only grade you get for labor is the one you give yourself. To me, a healthy baby is an A+, no matter how they got here.

[http://www.grassdiaries.com]

I gave birth w/o meds and had the same experience as you. Also had a home birth even though I am not what you might be led to believe is the usual militant home birth type. I didn't really tell too many people, but when it came up I got nothing but horror stories, even though I clearly said "I hope it's a home birth but am open to anything." I actually had to tell one friend to stop telling me the story as it was so awful (and had NOTHING TO DO WITH HOME BIRTH). I had done my research and made my decision, just like she did.

[Samantha]

After 26 hours of unproductive labour (she was posterior presentation), I gratefully accepted pethadine and gas. But coming from a history of back problems, I was totally against having an epidural, as I had heard that they can be bad for your back. I gave birth to my daughter, it was Brilliant!!!!
Afterwards, a hospital physiotherapist told me that epidurals can exacerbate back problems. Apparently, pain in your back normally stops you from doing things that will damage your back, and the numbness associated with the epidural allows you to do things you wouldn't normally do. So I felt relieved that I cad made a good choice for myself.But I know loads of women who think that epidurals are a gift from god, so whatever gets you through.
I have observed that women's feelings about their birth experiences (garden variety births, not those with extreme outcomes)seem to be dependent on how much they understood what was happening to them. I had great birth education, so despite posterior presentation, 37 stitches and a post-partum hemorage, I felt great about the birth of my daughter. Even though parts of it were horribly hard. I am still proud of myself for surviving childbirth at all, but even prouder that I feel so good about it.
So basically, do what you gotta do and know why you are doing it. Be informed and make the right choice for you.

[Amelia Sprout]

Um so, I got the judgy family about how I should deliver naturally (I was born at home), and I caught hell for having an OB and not a Midwife. I wanted to deliver somewhere with a NICU, you know, just in case I needed it. Nobody plans to have complications.

I had to be induced because I have pre eclampsia. Even with the pitocin I never felt the contractions. In fact, I figured I'd still do natural. Because I, like you, was all "we'll see how it goes" while planning to stick it out because well, because.

Then my blood pressure got to the point where they were wondering why I wasn't having seizures. It was still my choice, but it basically boiled down to "get an epi or else". Having seen my blood pressure, I happily agreed.

I worry about being judge by the natural peeps still. Like they don't believe that the interventions were necessary. (and then a local woman died from HELLP and no one gets why it bugs me) Yeah, they can suck it. You have to do what works for you and gets the job done. The rest of them can screw it. My kid is still going to be a smart ass amazon, at least she is here to kick my ass on a regular basis.

[MissM]

I haven't read all the comments, But...

My 1st was induced and drugged up.Gels, Pitocin, water broken by doctor, epidural... The works...

2nd, went into labor naturally, still had an epidural at 7cm. Made it almost to the end without meds.

3rd....?

With my 2nd, I felt like if I had prepared a little better for the pain, I could have made it the last few hours of labor and gone without an epidural. Both of my labors were rather short and easy (relatively speaking!!) and the pushing part was very short, so I feel like I want the experience of going med free. Not because I am better than anyone blah blah blah, but because I want the experience in my little life list of things that I have endured and come out on top of... Also, I want the "empowered" feeling that I have heard so many med-free women describe.

[Christina]

I wanted to go pain med free for my VBAC, mostly because of a fear that an epidural would stall my labor and send me down the intervention highway to the operating room. And I did go pain med free...for 14 hours.

At that point I had been up all night and was exhausted. It was the right time for an epidural, and it actually helped my labor get back on track.

I have no judgment about pain meds. I'm a labor nurse now, and I've seen every type of situation. Generally I'll tell women to at least give it a try without pain meds, because your own body and pain tolerance can surprise you. But I have a friend who wanted her epidural the moment she got to the hospital, and she still had a healthy baby.

And that's all that really matters to me - a healthy mom and baby. That's where the real focus needs to be. I had my own reasons to try to go pain med free, but I wouldn't try to force that mindset on anyone else.

[scantee]

1 kid, delivered with pitocin and an epidural, 34 weeks pregnant with number two.

I must be lucky, because I've never received any face-to-face judgment about my birth plans/choices/experiences. I must know a considerate group of people as no one has even questioned me in anything but a respectful way about my intended plans for either of my births. There is, of course, a ton of judgment online so if you frequent those circles it is easy to transfer that negativity onto the fairly innocuous statements of people IRL.

The closest I got to negativity about my births was not judgment but something more like pity. I think that some natural birth advocates just can't believe that a woman can have a positive birth experience with interventions (hate that word). They seem to feel sorry for women who use pain-reducing drugs or other interventions even if those women consider their own experiences highly positive. I received this type of comment from two people but it was uncommon enough that my overall experience has been pretty judgment-free (IRL only, of course).

The day my son was born was the best day of my life, wouldn't change a thing.

[julie]

2 babies, 2 epidurals. I do not like being uncomfortable and I'm acutely aware of my threshold for pain.

I never really stressed about people judging me. None of my friends ever have, and really, there's nothing to judge. It's all about what's best for you, and more importantly, knowing what's best for you.

Besides, I've yet to hear one study that shows kids turn out rotten (or fabulous) as a result of their mother having (or not having) an epidural. There are MUCH more significant ways in which we can f*ck up our children.

[Erica]

Not to take anything away from the "natural vs intervention" discussion, but have you noticed that we women tend to be all judgey of one another regardless of the topic? Childbirth, homeschooling, working, staying at home, vaccinations, homemade baby food, etc. We ALL talk and talk about how much we hate the judging and the belittling of choices, but we're STILL DOING IT. There are few men out there judging us or each other about every single parenting decision. Jesus H! We're our own worst enemies!

I've made a vow that I will no longer be judgey about other people's parenting decisions. Unless there's abuse involved of any kind. Then, I'll judge AND kick ass.

[Suzanne]

My mother had 3 babies naturally. My mother-in-law had 4 babies naturally. Both suggested I get the epidural. I considered it, got one, and had an absolutely fantastic birth. Couldn't have been better.

But the first week at breastfeeding support group I sat totally silent and shamed while the women all talked about the EVIL RISKY EPIDURALS and the POOR UNEDUCATED WOMEN who DRUGGED THEIR BABIES. Luckily the next week there were two c-sections and another epidural on my side of the aisle and since then the judginess has disappeared.

I would (kind of, maybe, think about it little, possibly) consider going drug-free next time but only because I want to see if I can do it, not because I've had some sort of realization about the evils of medication. But I'm keeping that to myself.

[Redneck Mommy]

Man, I've done it both ways.

With drugs and without.

And you know what? All of the deliveries were fabulous simply because they were my babies I was shooting out of my cooter.

My ex-best friend (the one and only Dragon Lady) was a total judgy Natural Childbirth Zealot. She made me almost cry when she found out I had drugs for the first two births. She flat out stated I was less of a mother than her because I didn't just bite down on a stick and push those suckers out. But when I had my third and it was all natural, you'd have thunk I'd hung the moon my very own self instead of just survive six hours of the ring of fire.

After her, I've vowed to keep my mouth shut and respect whichever decision any other mother makes when she has her child.

Because the only thing that matters is that the mother delivers a healthy child.

[shriek house]

Whatever happened to just figuring out with your doctor/midwife the options that are best for you and your baby? I love hearing labor and birth stories, and telling mine, and I guess if people get judgy it mainly goes right over my head because I'm just not tuning into that. I had epidurals with both kids and keep thinking I'd rather like the chance to make another attempt without, not because I think the first two experiences were LACKING, but more because I'm curious to know what the entire process feels like.

[Amy]

This made my day. I'm due November 24th and have been having this conversation with so many people that ask me about meds! Even co-workers that I barely know who ridicule me about why I'd want to be a hero.

WTF??

I have exactly the same attitude as you did the first time around -- I am not planning on any pain meds, but I am flexible and I'm not ruling it out. We'll see how it goes.

I've now started to give non-committal answers, too, because the conversation so often strays into bizarro territory when I tell the truth.

[Carmen]

I had two deliveries with Pitocin, the first with an epidural and the second one without. But for me, the one without was MUCH easier.

With my first, I really wanted to be able to do it drug-free but was open to getting an epidural once I experienced the labour a bit first. Like, I had NO IDEA what kind of pain I could expect - and other people's stories don't help one iota in that regard - so I wanted my options open. But by the time the Pitocin got started (because my own contractions weren't strong enough) I had been awake for almost 40 hours with contractions between 1-5 min apart and I was falling asleep standing up in between contractions. I was at 8.5 cm and going nowhere fast.....so I chose the epidural so I could get some sleep. I did feel a bit of a 'failure' because I chose the epidural though.

My second child, the labour was MUCH faster. My water broke on its own and contractions started 1 hour after that, but because of meconium in the fluid, I had to have Pitocin again to speed up the delivery. This time I managed to deal with the pain much better, in part, I feel, because I was more rested and in part because I felt I knew how bad it would get. She was delivered a few hours later. I felt so exhilarated and so proud of myself for doing it drug-free BUT because of my first experience I knew that it could easily have gone the other way again.

During my second pregnancy, my OB asked me about pain management and I said that I would like to attempt it without any medication. He sort of pushed the idea of medication on me (either injectable narcotics or epidural) because he felt that it wasn't necessary for me to be in pain if there were options to not be in pain. He was the one that told me that I don't get a trophy.

As someone said earlier, we all need to realize that each experience is different - whether you're talking about two people's delivery or one person's multiple deliveries. You know, unique snowflakes & all that.

Good discussion - I'm enjoying reading it. Good luck with your second delivery! I hope everything goes exactly as you want it to.

[The New Girl]

NO WAY @JONNIKER! OMFFFFFGGGGGG!

NO WAY @AMY JO! OMFFFFFGGGGGGG!!!