When I Stop Crying, It Might Actually Be Funny, A Little.

In the time it took for me to put the video tape back onto the shelf, she had sprinted out of the room and around the corner, toward the doors.  I dropped my bag on the floor and raced after her, catching the first automatically controlled door just as it was closing.  I saw her, across the vestibule, press the button for the second door, the door to the outside. 

And just like that, my two year old daughter was running away from me, down a ramp and toward the library parking lot.

My heart racing, I caught her mid-way down the ramp.  I picked her up, pointed my finger and yelled into her face.  My fear flipped to instant-anger and the smile that she often sports when being scolded froze and then faded.  The two little kids in the vestibule scurried to the side as I went back into the library to get my bag.

My heart was still pounding and my breathing was a little ragged, as I picked up my things and walked back out, toward our car, neither of us talking.  About halfway there, my anger flipped back to fear.  She put her head on my shoulder and said, 'Sorry Mommy.'

I repeated my admonition about running away from me or going outside without me (in a calmer, friendlier voice.)

And then I cried my eyes out.

I don't know exactly what it was about the situation that had me so rattled.  I've been extra weepy anyway but it was crazy how fast she was, how absolutely quiet the whole thing was (until I caught her, I mean.)  It was sobering to think about how easily and thoroughly she could have disappeared when I had turned my back for a second. The knowledge that the moments that I would have spent looking for her inside would have been measured in distance covered outside, toward moving cars and who knows what else, leaves me cold even now.

I spend a little time these days wondering how in the hell I'm going to do it with two.  Forget the pangs of longing and sadness that I feel because my little Houdini is used to having BOTH parents for a bedtime routine and pretty soon, her world is going to be rocked HARD by the demands of an infant.  Forget the wondering how I'm ever going to be on time for anything ever again or how I'm going to handle sleep issues when I have more than one.  I know that these are normal anxieties and that they will work themselves out.

But today scared me.  You can't drop a newborn on the floor while you chase your toddler out of the building.

Today?  Scared the shit out of me.

Comments

[MU]

Ugh dude. I'm sorry.

She's a fast one TLNG. But in my experience, they do grow out of it.
Maybe she'll end up clingy again and you'll be bouncing two of them on the big ball.

(Okay, I really hope not).

[IzzyMom]

I had the same fears about managing two but it was the guilt that I was somehow not going to have enough time, love, patience etc left over for my older child that upset me the most. I cried about it endlessly the first week after my son was born. Amazingly, though, it all worked out. Kids are resilient. Regarding their wily-ness...once my younger one became mobile, I got him one of those stuffed animal backpack harness things (okay...it's a f*cking leash) but it saved his life more than once when I was out with both kids. You're a Virgo, right? (why do I remember such odd things???) It's in our nature to worry but give yourself a break. It will all be okay :)

[shriek house]

Oh man, I'm so sorry. When my youngest was a newborn, I was loading him into the car and my oldest -- then 3 -- RAN OUT INTO THE STREET. A busy, 4-lane street. After I nearly ripped her arms from her sockets yanking her back, and yelled at her right in her face, I sat down and sobbed. These things are horrible, but they can remind us of the force of our love, even through all the fatigue and quiet desperation and humdrum daily moments.

[Carmen]

That was me a few months ago, but WITH a newborn. When my daughter was 2 weeks old, my son asked to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. So I bundled the baby up in the Bjorn, opened the door for us to head outside and he BOLTED. Ran away down the sidewalk. I couldn't really sprint after him due to the floppy headed baby in the carrier. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. I finally caught up to him a block later. I was so angry - and then had to carry him home. The 2.5 year old with the Bjorn. Argh. I sobbed after that as well. Thankfully it was only that once and it's been okay since then. Of course, that's after 4 kajillion "little talks" about appropriate behaviour or safety.

[divrchk]

Ugh. Kids are scary sometimes. Oh, and I would say that you most certainly can put a newborn on the floor to chase your daughter out the door.

[RuthWells]

Oh sweet mercy. Terror. But you'll figure it out (we all mostly do).

Your story has shocked me back 11+ years to the time my firstborn decided to jump in to me at the deep end of my grandmother's pool... and no one else around the pool realized that I couldn't both catch the baby and stay afloat myself.......

I still get sweaty over that one.

[mayberry]

I'm so sorry -- that is the WORST feeling in the world. I did have to drop my newborn once to chase a runaway toddler. He (the baby) was in his car seat but still. Not fun.

[Alexis M.]

I rocked a harness - put on backwards because I could escape it any other way - back in '85 and I turned out ok. I have a picture of my mom, the harness, and I at Penn's Landing. People snickered occasionally, but my mom always told them that I'd never end up on a milk carton. She was right, and it shut them up pretty quickly. A few months ago I saw a couple using one on their toddler...at the Flower Show, I believe...and told them about mine. I think they were a bit relieved =)

[Swistle]

I am a fan of Baby Containment Systems. Strollers. Harnesses. Frontpack carriers. ANYTHING that lets me not have to go through that feeling.

[The Girl]

Horrors. Horrors!

[Lori]

Man. I can just see her skinny little ass running out the door. Love you T.

[Boy Crazy]

I hear you, Mama. My friends and I all admit to having those insane thoughts go through our heads where we freeze in terror trying to figure out how we would get all two (or three) kids out of the car if we accidentally drove off a bridge or got stuck on train tracks. You know, who would I unbuckle first? Etc.

Good luck to you as you figure it all out with two. :)

[Amanda]

Target has these cute harnesses that do double duty as a small backpack. My 2yo has a monkey. He wears his "ooh aaah" anywhere I need a handle on him because he refuses to hold hands and takes of like lightning.

You're right, you figure it all out eventually with 2. As forgetting places on time, I now have to start getting ready at a minimum of an hour early where I used to be able to get ready to go somewhere in 15 minutes - 30 if I had to shower.

[marty]

I read this faster and faster just to get to the end and make sure everything was alright.

I'm so glad it is.

And I'm totally buying a kid harness before number 2 gets here.

[Manic Mommy]

Oh sweetie. That feeling totally sucks. On the plus side, you really can rely on the kindness of strangers. I stop kids all the time and have certainly had mine stopped on more than one occasion.

I hate to agree with your paranoia but if you're like me, you're going to spend the rest of your life worrying if one gets more attention than the other.

[Lori]

I commented yesterday and I don't see it? weird. I said something about I can just see her skinny little ass running out the door...

Is it at all funny today? A little? Probably not.

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

Kids can be scary. Glad everything worked out ok.

[jenni]

you'll catch her with one arm while holding the infant in the other. it can be done. trust, me; I know.

[Sam]

www.sleepywrap.com use code "midwife" for five dollars off the price. Seriously. You can stuff your new baby in there and run after TLNG if need be without worry of dropping The.. Extra Smallest New Girl? Whatever. The baby. No droppy. Get a sleepy wrap, love it long time, no need for sucky-sucky or fucky-fucky. Dude my brain is DONE today.

[Meredith]

I'm of the opinion that children are programmed to break your heart and scare the shit out of you at least once per day.

As for having two - I spent the first three weeks of my second child's life weeping over the fact that I would never again sleep, shower or adequately care for my kids, let alone leave the house for any purpose. But something happens - the whole mommy magic maternal survival instinct or whatever, it just kicks in and you do it. And it's awesome. Your body will remember not to drop the infant when the older one goes running. And those leash things are probably a good idea too. :)

[Kelly]

I hear you, honey, but I just want to say, even though I ultimately feel it's unhelpful, that if I can make it, you can too. There will be awesome days, and days where you just want to clock out and quit.

I'm kicking myself that I never got a sling. I think one would really come in handy. That way you're hands-free sometimes. I totally get this anxiety. Totally.

[astarte]

We actually had to get one of those kid leashes for Patrick when he was her age, because of just that reason. It was impossible to go anywhere until then, because we couldn't take our eyes off of him, which negated the purpose of going anywhere in the first place. Then it was fine for a long time, and recently I've having that problem again because he feels Old Enough to make Decisions, like that he wants to go to a friend's house without saying anything to me.

It's actually good that you burst into tears in front of her like that. It made an impression on her that she will remember a lot more than just a regular scolding.

You will be fine with two, I promise. You will adapt, just like you did to have one, and the process will not be as hard as you think, because it will happen slowly. The new baby will not be mobile for a long time, and by the time it is, TLNG will probably be out of this phase, or you will have had time to develop strategies to deal with it.

[Kristin]

I basically wrote this same post on my blog (at the library and everything) a few months ago when I was about 6 months pregnant and my 2.5 year old son dashed off. I know exactly how you feel.

Thankfully he has basically stopped running from me in public places, but yesterday he took off down our block when I got him out of the car seat. And now I am too big to run after him (I'm due in 2 weeks). I knew he wouldn't cross the street or really go too far, but I was so worried about a car pulling into or out of a driveway and hitting him. The panic I felt was almost overwhelming. I walked as fast as I could, yelling his name the whole time, and finally caught up with him. He thought the whole thing was hilarious, until he had a timeout in his room. I sat on the floor in the hallway and cried.

I am actually less afraid to have 2 kids now than I was 3 months ago, because I think that it just can't be as hard as dealing with a toddler when you are this pregnant. I can hardly carry him, he can't really sit on my lap, I certainly can't run after him, and man, it is very hard. Although I know 2 will be super challenging, at least I will be more mobile!