All We Need Is Just A Little

Wikipedia defines patience thusly:

Patience (pā-shəns) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties, such as when your crazy-ass toddler repeatedly pushes and hits other kids (or you) for no reason whatsoever.

Okay, so I added that last part, there.

My favorite part of the definition of this *virtue* (whatever) is the part about persevering in the face of provocation without becoming annoyed or upset.

Um.

I can't do that.  I've never really been able to do that.

And I'll tell you this: nothing brings home the pointed end of this character flaw like having a child. 

As it is with lots of our own faults, I suppose.  It's not just that I see it come to life right before my eyes, when The Littlest New Girl [whips her fucking shit across the room while screaming, 'IIIIII CCCAAAANN'TT DOOOOO IIIIIIIT!'] becomes annoyed or upset in the face of provocation when she's not able to get her toys to do what she wants them to do.  I get that.  I do.  I'm the one STILL wanting to slam the cabinet door (repeatedly) when it hits me on the head and makes me see stars.  She comes by that part honestly, having been given a double dose of that shit when the gene cocktail was being mixed for her.  Neither The Man nor I is known for the length of our fuse. I know that sounds vaguely dirty but try to stay focused.

Anyway.

The pointed end of the 'Very Limited Patience Trait' comes home to me in a far worse way than trying to help my kid while she screams and yells because she can't get her Pony to balance on a 1in piece of baseboard trim.

It turns out that the face of provocation is pretty much where you live while parenting a feisty toddler.  And although I have yet to haul off and smack her (and don't think I haven't been tempted, despite a no-hitting type parenting style) I have been and continued to be ashamed at some of my instinctual, visceral reactions to the, uh, strain that comes with just the basic parenting territory.  (I have very little to no forbearance.)  You know, perhaps, the insane snap-and-yell-at-close-proximity or the upper arm-squeeze or the none-too-gentle putting down onto the rump, or the semi-toss into the crib?  This is what I'm talking about, here.  The teeth gritting, anger-bubbling, semi-automatic reaction that 13 seconds later makes [me] you feel like the world's biggest douche.

I cut myself enough slack to know that I'm human, I'm tired and I have limitations.  I am not wallowing in guilt in my every day life.  But I also know that despite my own genetic make-up (there is an OBVIOUS deficit in patience/forbearance department in my family tree), that I am the adult and the responsibility falls upon me to try my best.  To try, not only to teach her how to handle her frustrations and her anger appropriately but also to try my best to show her how.

So, you know.

I close my eyes.  I take deep breaths.  I try to walk away if I can.

But mostly, I apologize later.

*Sigh*

Comments

[Kelly]

I skirted some of the rough stuff when Hannah was 3, and have found myself doing it again with Lil at 3. (Seriously, 3, eff off.) Like you said, grabbing the arm, a near toss into the crib. Check, check. Done it. I always fall back on blaming my genetics. Italian and Irish, we're not particularly known for being the calm, patient sort. But still. I hear you, and it's a daily struggle for me to resist that instinctive 'bad parent' mode and try to follow something more calm and loving and instructive, which in the face of the constant challenge of small children, is hella difficult.

[Bon]

i was thirty-something before i realized i have never heard a genuine, owned apology from any member of my family.

so i'm struggling along, starting from scratch...like you, i still lose it and apologize, but i figure at least i'm apologizing. and trying. i really am trying.

if only i had some clue what patience consists of.... :)

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

When I'm issuing apologies, I console myself with the fact that nobody ever apologized to me. At least I'm taking a step in the right direction.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

There is a lot of apologizing in my house. A LOT. Chicky has her mama's patience level (read: none) and her temper (read: Stand back 'cause she's gonna blow!). Poor kid, she never had a chance. Consequently, neither do I.

Do they sell that "Patience" stuff at the drugstore?

[Lori]

T, great post.

[amy]

just hang on.....it will get better. honest. you will look back on these days and laugh with her as you tell her what a "shit" she could be at times. i know hearing that "this will pass", doesn't help you get through the day...EVERY parent has had these days. hang on....she'll be sixteen before you know it!
love u...
A.

[Erica]

That's totally something! That's something AWESOME. My kid has a mental glitch that prevents her from realizing that she's done something that she ought to be sorry for. She's all "Sorry? Not really. Here, let me do it again."

[the new girl]

Erica: No, I agree, really. It is a flaw that I kind of just accepted and didn't even really NOTICE anymore. When I had TLNG, I was surprised by intensity of Teh Lack Of Patience and how it manifests.

I strive to do better but it's hard to *fix* something so fundamental, I think, like Swistle was alluding to.

I do try to own it and apologize and show her that adults aren't perfect or right all the time and my crazies are just as crazy as her crazies. I find that even though I don't force/require apologies after time-outs, 9 times out of 10, she'll give one of her own accord. So, that's something, right?? lol.

[Amelia Sprout]

Moments like that, and my desire to be the no hitting parent, unlike my dad, are what got us the "you need to play by yourself" rule. She had a gate on her room, because of the dog, and now she has to go play in her room alone, because mommy needs some f-ing alone time too. Really it is more about me needing to play alone than her.

[Erica]

I'm gonna be all therapisty and shit, ok? More important than teaching TLNG patience/forbearance, you're teaching her that we all have behavioral flaws and not to use that as an excuse for bad behavior. You're teaching her to own her shit and work to be better at handling it.

IMO, there are far, far too many people out there not teaching their kids accountability and responsibility for their actions. TLNG needs to know that when she behaves unacceptably, it's appropriate to apologize and strive to do better next time.

But you know, that's just my deal. As, you know, an actual therapist, you may not agree. : )

[Swistle]

Me too. I now work on teaching them how to deal with the consequences of having a short fuse, rather than trying to teach them to lengthen a fuse.

[Amanda]

I so understand where you're coming from. With his behavioral issues we're STILL there with our 8yo, and we have a 2yo. It's basically like living with 2 toddlers. My oldest has totally made me understand why some kids are beaten - as wrong as that is.

[Juli Simon Thomas]

I could have written this post (although much less eloquently). Ever since having my, um, let's go with "spirited", son, I have been smacked in the face repeatedly with my low level of patience. And he inherited the exact same level of patience. My husband has the patience of a saint, and he just sits there and stares at us sometimes as I try so hard not to slam the door and my son slams the door. And my son is 14 months.

[Manic Mommy]

Actual parenting definitely makes you question your previous decision to be a non-hitting parent.

Thanks for Axel Rose, ear worm.