The New Girl

Things That Kind Of Suck.

* Pregnancy leg cramps that wake you up in the middle of the night and twist your foot around to an angle that is just...un-natural.

* Two Year Old temper tantrums in public.

* People who scare your shy toddler on purpose, as a funny joke.

* When husbands look around the playground and say, 'I don't see anyone ELSE'S kid flipping out like this...'

* Wanting to eat ice cream at 8:00AM.  

* Really, REALLY wanting to eat ice cream at 8AM.

* Reflux.

* Feeling dead tired but being completely unable to fall asleep.

 

* The new book I'm reading.

 

* Having to think of SOMETHING! TO MAKE! FOR DINNER! AGAIN!

 

* Having to wait for the season opener of The Closer.

 

* Needing to clean porch furniture.  With cushions that you were too [lazy] [careless] [stupid] busy to bring in for the winter.

 

* Carpenter Bees.

 

* Not having a good MOIST chocolate cake recipe. (HINT HINT.) 

 

* The word 'moist.'  ACK.

Fun Fact Friday!!

* I should not be calling this shit Fun Fact Friday, as I don't think that there's any Fun to be had here.  This Friday.

* The Awaycation was an UNMITIGATED DISASTER that included: a 2:30 AM (as in, TWO-THIRTY IN THE FUCKING MORNING) wake-up call, a non-napping pregnant woman, four baseball games, about 30 melt-downs (only one of which was mine) and a fixation on a creepy(ish), talking, animatronic My Little Pony doll that woke up and fell asleep.  Oh.  It also included leaving a day early because OMFG, I couldn't take the chance of ANOTHER night from hell.

*  Yesterday, I made a cake for tonight's MIL dinner.  I used the recipe for the Simple Cake but I added a scant cup of mini-chocolate chips.

*  The Littlest New Girl knows that her birthday is coming up and understands the concept surprisingly well.  (We have a couple books.) She tells you that she's going to be 2. And while she's not too sure of the idea of presents, per se, she certainly grasps the concept of The Birthday Cake.

*  Last night at dinner time, TLNG screamed, 'I donwan dinner. [pushes plate away] I. WANT. CAKE. CAAAAAKE!' [points her index finger toward the refrigerator.]

*  My kid is SQUARELY in the terrible twos, I think.  She alternates between the cutest, sweetest, most charming kid ever and...well...a RAGING HELL BEAST.  I don't have to get into the tedious details, I trust.  Most of you know/remember/are experiencing the same thing.  Right?  RIGHT?

*  My favorite part about the 2:30 wake-up call this past weekend, was that once she was awake and out of the pack and play, she was FINE.  Happy.  Sweet. And even? Funny.  It could have been that I was sleep-deprived and punchy, though.

*  Here are some pictures of my cross-dressing WonderPets Fanatic:

Ha ha!  I bet some CAKE would cheer her the eff up.

This is her response to the command, 'SMILE!'

Note: There are RUFFLES.  On those pants.

Happy Weekend!

Has Difficulty Sharing: Fucking CHECK.

You know that saying about a little knowledge being a dangerous thing?  I'm not sure that I really understand that saying all the way. 

I'm not sure if they mean that having a little knowledge (compared to a vast amount, say) is dangerous, in that, you only know a little but since you have an incomplete picture, you make dangerous assumptions and fuck everything up.  Or if they mean that having a little knowledge about something (that other people might not be at all knowledgable about) makes you cocky and so you make dangerous assumptions and fuck everything up.

Either way, I always think about that saying when I'm struggling with difficulties in the areas of discipline and/or developmental questions with The Littlest New Girl. 

As many of you know, I work with kids and adolescents.  Concerning other people's children, I am knowledgable with regard to developmental processes, varied temperamental styles, effective discipline/parenting techniques and strategies, ET CETERA. 

Which, of course, amounts to a hill of beans when I'm dealing with my own kid, whose first response to my enthusiastic, 'Hey, TLNG, guess what? We're going to a BIRTHDAY PARTY today!!'

Is this:

'NO SHARE! NO SHAAARE!!'

Um.

Or this:

'NO KIDS! PUSH KIDS! HIT DEM! BBAAAAAAH!'

(I'm not kidding.  The BBAAAAH! is a screaming sound effect that she makes while miming smacking another child when they attempt to take something from her. Or when they play with something she likes. Or when they get too close to her. OMG. OMFG.)

Her hatred of sharing toys (Or personal space. Or uh, AIR) came upon us like someone [who is sadistic and evil] flipped a switch.  One day, it seemed, she was standing idly by, voluntarily opening her chubby little fist for The Nephew to remove whatever [lint-ball] toy she had managed to procure under his watchful 2.5 year old eye and the next--

BBAAAAAAH!  BBAAAAAAH!

Hitting! And pushing! And 'NO SHARE'ing!

At first, it looked like the spread of the behavior was controlled.  It was at home or The Little Sister's, between TLNG and The Nephew but after the behavior went airborne and the symptoms started to show in music class and gym class, I started to sweat any time another kid got within a two-foot radius. 

And let me admit this to you: It is embarrassing to me.  Humiliating, even, to have your kid hitting, pushing, 'BBAAAHING!' another kid in a public place, especially when you don't know the parents.

And let me also admit this to you: Despite knowledge and training, I did EXACTLY what I advise parents NOT to do.  Like, EVERY SINGLE THING that I advise parents not to do.  Made a BIG DEAL, gave it lots of ATTENTION, etc. etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I cognitively UNDERSTAND that this stage (almost two-two into sometimes through three) is rife with these kinds of behaviors and issues.  I KNOW that they are normal and typical.  I appreciate that it is a natural part of her development and that disciplining the (mis)behaviors in a consistent and calm way is the best and most effective way to provide limits and boundaries for her continued and safe exploration. As a non-parent, therapist-type, I dispensed MUCH reassurance in this area. (My little bit of knowledge, there.) 

As a parent, what I affectively FEEL, though, has surprised me.  As a parent, I really HATE the 'NO SHARE!' I value generosity and despite not really giving a flying fuck what people think about me, it turns out that I really DO care about what they think about my kid (Or my parenting. Or something,) or I wouldn't want to wear a BAG ON MY HEAD to the gym class.

So you can imagine (perhaps) my feelings when my friend (who has a job assessing kids for early intervention) was here and TLNG let rip a well-timed 'NO SHARE!' and we had this exchange:

My friend: 'Difficulty sharing. Yes!!' [Complete with a two-thumbs up fist pump.]

TNG: 'Oh, friend.  I HATE the 'NO SHARE!'

My friend: 'I know.  All parents hate the 'No Share.' Some of them don't want to tell you.'

TNG: 'Really?'

My friend: 'Yeah. I'll say, 'How does she do with sharing?' and they'll say, 'Weeeelllll, okay.'

TNG: [Mwuaaahahahaha] 'Heh heh.' 

My friend: 'I know. The kid gets a point for that, though, on the evaluation.'

TNG: [Starts weeping with happiness over the obvious extra credit that her kid would get on the eval.*]

*(Although, I'm thinking that they might take OFF points for, you know, The BAAAAAAH!)

Fun Fact Friday!!

* I am going on an awaycation for the weekend, yo.  I wish that I could say that I was aglow with the excitement but alas, [I am an ungrateful bitch] I can not.  It will be fun, maybe.  Kinda.  But it will also be a lot of work, early rising, tantrum-ridden-toddler wrangling (in front of family) and trying to sleep while your in-laws are having a loud gathering in the dining room into the wee hours.  There will also be a lot of baseball playing, staying up late, drinking and sleeping [it off] in, while your pregnant wife starts her day by taking your up-at-the-butt-crack-of-dawn-toddler down to the soundproof playroom at 5AM.  For, um, SOME OF US.

* The latest in pregnancy cravings has been good bread spread with hummus and olive tapenade.

* If I can get it, I am going to try to record TLNG singing The WonderPets theme song because, OMG. Teh Cuteness will kill you.  Goooooo WONDERPETS!

* We're gearing up here for The Second Birthday Party.  I am trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of 'girly-girl' gifts that are going to make their way into my house.  The Man's family is rife with Girly-Girls (not that there's anything wrong with that) and they are already asking me what TLNG likes.  When I say, 'Sesame Street, The Wonder Pets, The Muppets' the response is thusly: 'Does she like anything girly?' To which I mumble the reply: 'mylittleponiesandhellokitty.'  I know that they all think I'm azy-cray for not being girly enough to embrace it all but what am I supposed to do? Live in Cringeville?

* I had a shopping tragedy the other day when I went to buy my good bread and olive tapenade.  When I got home and got ready for lunch, I found that the olive tapenade was, uh, not-so-much olive tapenade as Olive and Fig Tapenade, which, first--EW--and second OMFGNO! NOOOO!  Not only did it ruin my lunch, it was fucking FIVE DOLLARS worth of ruin.  Tragedy.

* I put on a 'My Little Pony' movie for my kid, thinking she might enjoy it and OMG. Just. GAWD. I'm not kidding when I say that it was SERIOUSLY all about getting your hair done and getting pretty and having a party for a fucking princess.  NOT KIDDING.  That was IT.  There was an actual musical number about Inner AND Outer Beauty--WHILE THEY WERE GIVING A MAKEOVER.  I think that there was going to be some kind of message about it not always being so fabulous to be a princess (b/c they have to CHANGE and not have FRIENDS and all) but I...I just couldn't make it that far.

* My MIL (bless her) bought TLNG a bag full of clothes that she bought on sale.  I laughed because there were 3 (three) Elmo outfits.  And one dress with The Princesses on it. I appreciate her [coming over to the dark side] efforts to buy what my kid likes and I totally understand that she's gotta try to get a little Princess Action in there.

* The Littlest New Girl and I were walking through Ross or TJ Maxx when she shouted out, 'I 'unna see MING MING!'  I look behind me to see an outfit with Linny, Tuck and Ming Ming too (heh) on the (bright orange) shirt (with navy shorts).  In the boy's section.  She wanted it and so I bought it. [We're already cross-dressing.]  I am going to put her in it for our ride to the shore.  I'm wondering if it will give the in-laws enough time to organize their [Pink] Intervention before The Party.

Happy Long weekend!!

Equal Parts Showing Off And Pimping.

Hey everyone!

Remember this pic I posted of The Little Sister, when she was (8mos) pregnant with The Niece?

 

Well, check THIS SHIT OUT, yo. 

I am AMAZED by this. (Disclaimer: it takes 'not so much' to amaze me but you have to admit that there is AWESOMENESS here.)

My friend, the artist, turned this image into a one-of-a-kind, original, multi-media work of COOLNESS. (For the BIL, who bought it for TLS for Mother's Day.) (I KNOW.  It's quite a romantic gesture for a picture that we all agreed should be named either, 'My Two Butts,' or 'Where Me Butt Be?'*)

Keep in mind that the picture, while great, doesn't do the original work of art total justice.

Check it:

 

Come ON, now.

The birds and flowers and figure and (some of the background sunflowers and other elements) are drawn, painted and then collaged onto the painting.  It has texture and depth and it is charming and captivating.

I would say that even if she wasn't the best friend a person could have.

If you have a minute, check out my friend's totely rad art blog, read her description and leave a comment for a sister-friend.  As a bonus, you get to see the cuuuuute cutie Niece on there.

Oh.

And the top half of The Little Sister's head.

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*The 'Where Me Butt Be?' is a derivative of the age-old question, always asked, for some reason, with an Irish accent:

'If me balls be on yer chin, where me dick be?'

Oh. Huh?

You don't know that one?

In Case It Isn't Obvious, I'm A First-Born.

Last night, I had my first wave of [purely hormone-fueled] sadness for The Littlest New Girl's situation re: The Upcoming Sibling.

My general stance on stressful situations that occur in the Real-Life Arena of kids' lives (i.e. getting a sibling, parents separating, moving to a new town, etc.) is that children (like adults) adjust.  It's in their nature as developing beings to experience these situations and assume them into their development.  Some adjust more easily than others, of course.  Note that I'm not saying that kids aren't affected by the stressors or that they don't need support, understanding, guidance, empathy, (sometimes therapy, even) etc. to get through some of the tougher ones but it's just that, well--it's Real Life and these situations are (sometimes) unavoidable.

Take for my case, for instance, in which it would appear that if all goes well, at the end of this pregnancy The Littlest New Girl will be The Big Sister.  Turns out, babies are a by-product of pregnancy.  (I keep forgetting that.)

Yesterday, looking at my girl, I was struck by how BIG she seems lately.  Her limbs are starting to lengthen.  Her face is thinning out.  Her language has taken off. She remembers EVERYTHING.  She's expressing her independence (ahem) and her preferences.  She stretches all the way across and over my lap when she's reclined and I'm singing her lullabies.

After we put her down last night, I spent a few minutes in the spare room/office/New Baby's room.  As I was leaving that room to go to bed, I had a flash-forward to mere months from now, when I will be tip-toeing into that room at night.  To rock and to nurse a baby back to sleep.  To hold a baby across my lap.  To sing lullabies. 

And it won't be her. 

My baby. My big girl. My first born.

For reasons that make absolutely no logical sense, it breaks my heart.  

The sadness doesn't come from knowing that she'll have some degree of pain at being displaced.  I'm not one to try to save her from every hurt that's out there (read: Real-Life.)  But it does feel a little like I'm cheating on her.  Believe me when I tell you that I honestly KNOW that she is fine.  And she will BE fine.  I imagine that it will hurt her at first, she will be resentful and pissed.  But I know, too, that she'll love the baby.  And she will adjust to the change and to her new role in the family.

I think that the passage of time has hit me in a new way.  I mean, it's no secret that she's developing, as she gets bigger and takes the steps toward greater independence and her-own-personhood.  There's just something about knowing another infant is coming, that makes it so apparent that my first-born's infanthood is long gone. 

And while I don't really mourn it, per se (A. it was--er--not easy and B. I'm not an infant person, really,) it brings home the awareness that there are lots and lots of steps after these ones.

 And almost every single one of them will carry her a little farther away from me.

A Sunday Chuckle

While I am in the living room, [watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 On Demand] folding laundry, the phone rings (and rings and rings.)  I hear The Man look at the caller ID and allow it to keep ringing until it goes to voice mail.

Me: 'Who was it?'

[pause]

Me: 'Your mom?'

Me: HA HA HA HAAA! [Reveling in my own wit.]

The Man: 'Ha ha. No.'

[pause]

The Man: 'It was your grandfather.'

Things.

Oh, hey! What's up with you? 

I've been thusly, for the better part of a month: sick, busy, stressed-slash-freaked the fuck out, sick again, relieved, visited by family, visited by a friend, visited by another friend and now? ALLERGIES.  I'm thinking that the two sicks were ALSO allergies of the seasonal variety, from which I suffer NEVER but I'm blaming the pregnancy because, WHAT THE FUCK?  Who gets seasonal allergies in their FORTIES, for fuck's sake?

Whatever.

There have been some big developments in the World of The New Girl and since I've been alternately glitching and busy, I haven't satisfactorily, er, documented them. (you: 'somehow, I never missed it.')  So, even though I could probably generate a post about each of these milestone-like parenting moments, I'm still short on time and so I'm [cramming them all into a long and boring-ass post] creating a literary montage.

*About a month ago, TLNG had her last Nini. (Cue mournful toddler music. You'll probably have to use your imagination there because I'm not sure they make any of that.) I seriously could/should write a thoughtful, serious post about this.  Maybe I will [stop yer chuckling].  It was an important part of my early motherhood and of our relationship and the ending was both bitter-sweet and anti-climactic, if that makes sense.  I was not so much ambivalent about ending it, as I was in a race to end it, both because of the [searing nipple pain that shot through my breast every time she latched on] sensitivity brought on by the pregnancy and the impending birth of another baby [and Oh, I'm not the Tandem Nursing Type.]  I prepared her for a week or so, by telling her that the nini was almost gone and with very little drama, that was it.

*Our basement is finished being finished.  It remains devoid of furniture, due to an incredible series of [fuck-ups] oversights that created a Taxation Situation.  [Aside: The Man likens this to people who buy more house than they can subsequently afford to furnish.  I disagree, as we paid cash for the basement and thus, incurred no debt from either big expense (i.e. basement, IRS gouging) and now we're in saving mode again.]  The kids don't seem to notice that there's no place to sit because, er, there's loads of room down there and tons of toys with and without wheels and so, who needs to sit?  Here's the weird thing, though: When TLNG asks to go down there, I still feel like it's a project.  Like we're going to the playground or something.  Why is that?

* There has been a shift in the interests of my toddler, yo. She has suddenly developed an interest in The Wonderpets.  I'm not entirely upset about this, as I can TOTALLY tolerate that show.  Even the one with the unfortunate speech impediment.  Seeweeously.  It's okay.  PLUS, my kid has yet to wear those dog-awful sandals that she weaseled me into buying and so, I say, BRING ON THE WONDERPETS and DELAY, DELAY, DELAY those princesses.

* Do you believe that I am planning a Two Year Old's birthday party?  No? ME NEITHER.  Well, planning insofar as I've [relented] determined that we are having a Sesame Street party.  TLNG says, 'Elmo, Big Bird, and Oscar,' so, good luck to me with that. I can't believe that she's going to be Two.  Should I cave and get the character to come?  Ahhh. Shoot me now.

*Lastly, we have started potty training [by total accident] in earnest.  One day, while my friend was here, TLNG went [nakey butt] pantsless and I offered her the potty every half-hour or so and she went.  After that, she got annoyed at the frequent offerings and so I stopped offering and told her to tell me when she has to go.  So far, I am AMAZED.  There was one unfortunate-but-could've-been-SO-much-worse #2 accident that traumatized her and one I'm-thankful-that-I-have-a-leathah-couch pee accident but other than that, it's been pretty good.  I still offer and put her on the pot pot (baby French, yo) if it's been a while but we've been catching poos and pees and frequently she's been telling me she has to go (which makes me incredulous, really) and well, here we are.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  And I'm pretty lackluster with the consistency when it comes to this kind of stuff but I'll say, it's kind of working for us.  At least, right now. 

Hurry! Offer Ends Soon! Space Is Limited!

Welcome to The New Girl's Daycare Center:

We have spacious, brightly lit [partially underground] accommodations!  All newly remodeled!

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We have loads of top-quality [germ-catchers] toys and [potential hazards] interactional opportunities for your little angels!

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We encourage and foster imaginative play! Even a fire station can be a riding toy!

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Your kids will make lifelong friends and learn how to [duke it out over the same toy] share and care!

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We incorporate fine motor skill development!  And toe curling!

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We encourage exploration in even the youngest minds!

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We employ the most educated and capable staff of any daycare anywhere!  Just TRY to find a more knowledgeable caregiver!  Ours wrote the book [about sex!]

As an additional member benefit, BREAKFAST IS INCLUDED:

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For everyone.

Also, lots of nutritious snacks are offered throughout the day:

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(Edibility is optional.)

So hurry and book a space soon, time's running out!

Remember our motto: We love your kids like they were our own. 

And your little cherubs will LOVE US.

Guaranteed.

Oh, I KNOW, I'm Going To Hell. But It's Just SO FUNNY.

So, you asked for it.

Here it is:

The ensemble is comprised of the following (from the ground up:)

-A pair of my mother's old sneakers, which were making a funny sound when he walked and so, he cut out part of the heel to alleviate this problem.

-A pair of my old socks (blue.)  I can only GUESS at the estimated length of time that these socks have been in existence and I'm going to say that they most likely originated in the MID-80'S.

-The Alteration Situation Shorts.

-A shirt that says COURAGE across the front in very fancy script.  It was left in my basement by the men who laid the carpet.  It's an XL but the price was right.

-A cardigan that my dad has had for AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER and I'm so not kidding.  I asked him how old it was and he said, '45? 50 years?  Sometheen like that.'