Has Difficulty Sharing: Fucking CHECK.

You know that saying about a little knowledge being a dangerous thing?  I'm not sure that I really understand that saying all the way. 

I'm not sure if they mean that having a little knowledge (compared to a vast amount, say) is dangerous, in that, you only know a little but since you have an incomplete picture, you make dangerous assumptions and fuck everything up.  Or if they mean that having a little knowledge about something (that other people might not be at all knowledgable about) makes you cocky and so you make dangerous assumptions and fuck everything up.

Either way, I always think about that saying when I'm struggling with difficulties in the areas of discipline and/or developmental questions with The Littlest New Girl. 

As many of you know, I work with kids and adolescents.  Concerning other people's children, I am knowledgable with regard to developmental processes, varied temperamental styles, effective discipline/parenting techniques and strategies, ET CETERA. 

Which, of course, amounts to a hill of beans when I'm dealing with my own kid, whose first response to my enthusiastic, 'Hey, TLNG, guess what? We're going to a BIRTHDAY PARTY today!!'

Is this:

'NO SHARE! NO SHAAARE!!'

Um.

Or this:

'NO KIDS! PUSH KIDS! HIT DEM! BBAAAAAAH!'

(I'm not kidding.  The BBAAAAH! is a screaming sound effect that she makes while miming smacking another child when they attempt to take something from her. Or when they play with something she likes. Or when they get too close to her. OMG. OMFG.)

Her hatred of sharing toys (Or personal space. Or uh, AIR) came upon us like someone [who is sadistic and evil] flipped a switch.  One day, it seemed, she was standing idly by, voluntarily opening her chubby little fist for The Nephew to remove whatever [lint-ball] toy she had managed to procure under his watchful 2.5 year old eye and the next--

BBAAAAAAH!  BBAAAAAAH!

Hitting! And pushing! And 'NO SHARE'ing!

At first, it looked like the spread of the behavior was controlled.  It was at home or The Little Sister's, between TLNG and The Nephew but after the behavior went airborne and the symptoms started to show in music class and gym class, I started to sweat any time another kid got within a two-foot radius. 

And let me admit this to you: It is embarrassing to me.  Humiliating, even, to have your kid hitting, pushing, 'BBAAAHING!' another kid in a public place, especially when you don't know the parents.

And let me also admit this to you: Despite knowledge and training, I did EXACTLY what I advise parents NOT to do.  Like, EVERY SINGLE THING that I advise parents not to do.  Made a BIG DEAL, gave it lots of ATTENTION, etc. etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I cognitively UNDERSTAND that this stage (almost two-two into sometimes through three) is rife with these kinds of behaviors and issues.  I KNOW that they are normal and typical.  I appreciate that it is a natural part of her development and that disciplining the (mis)behaviors in a consistent and calm way is the best and most effective way to provide limits and boundaries for her continued and safe exploration. As a non-parent, therapist-type, I dispensed MUCH reassurance in this area. (My little bit of knowledge, there.) 

As a parent, what I affectively FEEL, though, has surprised me.  As a parent, I really HATE the 'NO SHARE!' I value generosity and despite not really giving a flying fuck what people think about me, it turns out that I really DO care about what they think about my kid (Or my parenting. Or something,) or I wouldn't want to wear a BAG ON MY HEAD to the gym class.

So you can imagine (perhaps) my feelings when my friend (who has a job assessing kids for early intervention) was here and TLNG let rip a well-timed 'NO SHARE!' and we had this exchange:

My friend: 'Difficulty sharing. Yes!!' [Complete with a two-thumbs up fist pump.]

TNG: 'Oh, friend.  I HATE the 'NO SHARE!'

My friend: 'I know.  All parents hate the 'No Share.' Some of them don't want to tell you.'

TNG: 'Really?'

My friend: 'Yeah. I'll say, 'How does she do with sharing?' and they'll say, 'Weeeelllll, okay.'

TNG: [Mwuaaahahahaha] 'Heh heh.' 

My friend: 'I know. The kid gets a point for that, though, on the evaluation.'

TNG: [Starts weeping with happiness over the obvious extra credit that her kid would get on the eval.*]

*(Although, I'm thinking that they might take OFF points for, you know, The BAAAAAAH!)

Comments

[astarte]

ROTFL!!! She sounds like a cartoon character - 'I will hit them and smack them and call them George' or some such thing!!!! Oh, it sucks that you're the mom with That Kid, but it'll end soon, and then some other parent will be the one with That Kid. It'll be OK.

When my kids acted like that, we left. Wherever we were, we left, kicking and screaming. Also, I found it helpful to remind them that the other children weren't keeping the toys, but just looking at them for the moment. Since they didn't understand time, they didn't get that in a minute, things would change. Since she's so verbal, maybe that would help. :)

Next time she says it, I want to see a video.

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

I'm jealous she is using her words. My 2 year old just does the hitting and pinching to get what he wants.

[shriek house]

But... but... she's USING HER WORDS! I say, go TLNG!

[Lori]

Oh how I love this post. If I could scream NO SHARE! and HIT and PUSH when people (eh hem, you know who) gets into my studio and all into my art supplies and what not- I would LOVE it. NO SHARE!! BAAAA! Ah, the wonderful uninhibited bliss of NO SHARE.

I love love love her. What a funny story this will be for her when she is older.

Plus I LOVE when I make it into your blog.

Plus I would give her extra points for TOTAL cuteness.

Plus I love your TOTAL honesty.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I love that you admitted that you did everything you advise parents not to do.

We taught Tacy to "trade" items with CJ. Now we're trying to teach CJ to trade with Ollie, but her version is a forcible exchange. NO SHARE!

[Jess]

I will be celebrating the point my son, too, would be getting on that evaluation. However, he does growl under his breath after you share for him. Back to the starting point we go!

[The New Girl]

Bea--I don't know if it's so much condition-specific symptom, as it is a possible indicator of a delay in development in general.

If a kid is exhibiting the age-appropriate developmental issues, I imagine that they 'get a point,' and if they are not (yet) experiencing a particular milestone, that gets factored into the general picture of overall development.

That's just an educated guess, though. The early intervention people who came here to assess TLNG's eating issue were gauging delay/degree of delay. That was the basis which determined whether or not she qualified for services. If that makes sense.

[Alexis M.]

I watch Super-Nanny. Too much. All I have to say is to introduce her butt the timeout chair (rug? step? - and in supernanny style - only as long as her age) until she starts to snap out of it.
I too, love that she lets you know her intentions before hand, lol!

[bea]

So what kind of condition requiring early intervention involves excessive sharing as a symptom? Is it that the child does not yet grasp the concept of personal property? Some delay in making the distinction between self and others?

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Yeah, the "no share" is her job right now.

Kids get the best gigs. I swear it.

[The New Girl]

Manic Mommy: Oh, I'm HOPING that there will be no rock-dropping in our future. But I guess, one can never say never.

OY.

[mimi]

Oh, I'm laughing out loud, actually. I like that she'll tell you in advance that there will be hitting and screaming. Kid can plan ahead: they get points for that too, right?

My almost 3 yo has just learned how to share, voluntarily, even, after months of what you describe. I take no credit for it.

[Manic Mommy]

HRH just had five stitches removed from his head where our six year old neighbor dropped a rock on him. The no sharing thing? Morphs.

I was almost glad to be the parent of the droppee rather than the dropper.

[Swistle]

OH, I just love her! I think she is SO funny!

[Mama Bub]

When I was pregnant, I would present my doctor with a myriad of aches and pains, certain that each one meant Something Big. Each time he would say, "That's pregnancy." Not in a dismissive way, but it a there'snothingwecandoaboutit way.

I get much the same response from my pediatrician when I tell him about the hitting/not sharing/screaming, "That's a toddler."

Still, when someone else tells me that it's normal or that their kid does the same thing, only with a side of hair pulling, rather than make plans to avoid that person and their child, I make plans to spend ALL my time with them, just for the validation that I'm not alone.

[Mag]

We're going through this too. Yesterday sharing inspired a "no want to share" followed by a scream from our 2-year-old. This morning he offered to share something with Daddy--because he KNEW Daddy was at work. When I asked to share with me he said, "maybe tomorrow."

[The Domestic Goddess]

I don't like to share, either. I guess i never grew out of this phase. This is why I host a CSA site. I have no choice. It's very therapeutic for me.