Speshal Sauce And An Off-Color Joke

Here is the content of an email I sent to my friend, after she requested the recipe for my Speshal Sauce (p.s. my family hails from central Italy and we NEVER, EVER called it 'gravy.'  Just saying.) I got an email from a reader, too, after I posted about my grocery issues, asking for the recipe but I [am lazy and no good] lost that email and so, here it is!

Ingredients:
Lots of olive oil (and maybe a little buttah, if I have it)
3 big cans tomato sauce (28 oz or whatever?)
2 big cans tomato puree
1 big can of tomato paste (or two of the teeny ones)
1 medium onion, chopped
5 or 6 cloves of garlic, minced, blitzed or pressed
Salt and pepper
handful of dried oregano

I get a VAT and put a good deal of olive oil in there (and maybe a little buttah.)  Since there's no meat in there and there's lots of tomato, you can't be afraid of the oil.  I put it on medium heat and when the oil is hot, I saute the onion.  Put some salt/pepper in with the onion (you want to soften it, not brown it.)  Stir it frequently and open all those effing cans.

When the onion is soft and translucent, I throw in the garlic for like, THIRTY SECONDS.  You seriously BARELY cook it.  Then I quick put the tomato paste in and stir it all around with a fancy wooden spoon [I bought her one kind of like this b/c she was SERIOUSLY kitchen utensil CHALLENGED], so it all dissolves and is easier to stir, and then you dump in all the tomatoes.  It will be pretty thick and need some water to thin it down.  I usually start by filling one of the large tomato cans with water and dumping that in.  I may add a little more.  It's going to cook down a lot and so you want it a kind of thin(ish) consistency to start with.

Then I add a palm-full of dried oregano and a little more salt and pepper.  You should taste it to adjust the seasonings a little but it still is raw-like and won't taste all that great.  The secret is the LONG-ASS COOK TIME.  I bring it to a bubble and then reduce the heat to a slow simmer.  I stir it now and again but honestly, I cook it for like, 5-6 hours.  It is DELISH.

You can halve the recipe, obv and after it cooled, I put it into 4 cup servings into the freezer.

Now, you're like a REAL DAGO....(I wonder what my genetic profile would say...lol.)

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And so now, here's my off-color, totally politically incorrect ethnic joke.  If you are offended, I am sorry in advance.  But I can't help it.  I love it.

Ready?

Me:  How can you tell where Pink Flamingos live?

You:  I don't know, how?

Me:  You just look for the little plastic Italian men in the front yards...

HA HA!!

Comments

[Summer]

Heck I don't even get the joke.
Oh wait I just re-read it. I get it now. I think. Are you saying that Italians have plastic pink flamingos in their yard? Sorry I'm not up on my Italian jokes.

[Manic Mommy]

Sounds so good, I want to dunk chunks of Scali bread into it while it's simmering.

Half Italian over here and no, it was always sauce, not gravy. Did you know if you add a little wine, it'll stop the garlic from scorching? My Italian dad taught me that. Unfortunately, I forgot the rest of the recipe and make the worst sauce on the planet.

[meera]

doesnt the whole thing bubble like a volcano - do u stand around stirring the entire time to prevent kitchen from turning into volcano disaster zone?

[the new girl]

Meera--
heh heh. No. It's on a very LOW SIMMER. It just bubbles a little bit. It gets all nice and dark and you stir occasionally, just to make sure that it gets mixed. No volcanos.

MM--you might want to have a nice loaf of bread on hand, yo.

[Swistle]

Now, I KNOW, I know, but I am the kind of cook who measures the six cups of water because that's what the directions on the box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese say to do. So when you say "a lot" of olive oil, do you mean a lot like....well, like what? Like, um, a cup? Half a cup? Two tablespoons? The whole bottle?

[the new girl]

Swistle: OMG. I am SO not the kind who measures (um. OBV.) I cook the sauce in the big pasta pot and I pretty much coat the bottom of the pot, like I pour it in, round and round in a spiral...so, I'd say, er, maybe 1/2 cup? Maybe a little more? There is lots of tomato, though, and so you need it. I'll add a tablespoon or two of butter, too.

And then, near the end, I'll grate a little parmigiano in there.

[Alexis]

1: Love the joke. I'm Irish and I have a close friend who is Mexican, and she told me the Mexican version of it a few years ago. Couldn't stop laughing.

2: I make a sauce similar to yours, but I use a small can of tomato paste, a large can of tomato sauce, and all the above mentioned spices. Except none of my spices are fresh. Thanks for posting yours - I'm definitely going to have to try it. =)

[mimi]

Oooh, I'm so going to make that now. Now that I have an electric can opener (the crank kinds are my NEMESIS, cf this post, complete with photo of me sucking) I should be able to handle it ...

[Kai]

Oh I am definitely going to make this soon! Do you think this would work in a crockpot on low?

[the new girl]

Kai: I had a total sauce FAIL in a crock pot years ago. It just didn't cook DOWN, like. Could be that I wasn't using it right but it was watery and yug.

[Beth]

For Swistle - one time around the pan with a bottle of oil is about 1 tablespoon...so if TNG is saying a lot it's probably about 8 - 10 tbls. To make it easier 3 tbls. = about 1/3 cup...hope that helps.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

How did you know I was going to make sauce this week? HOW DID YOU KNOW???

Oh yeah. The whole separated at birth thing. Right.

[The Domestic Goddess]

Mmmmmm...must have the sauce.

[Lori]

serchoiously. I don't get the joke.