I held my breath as she squirted the warm goo onto my abdomen, my full bladder groaning in protest as the pressure of the ultrasound wand bore down.
'Your uterus is tipped. I can't see anything. I'm going to do an internal.'
The upside of that, folks, is that you get to pee. The downside, in case you were wondering, is another set of minutes that feel like forever until you find out if all of the bleeding was nothing...or...something. I spent the time trying to keep my head blank, trying to keep from imagining a somber 'I'm so sorry,' trying to concentrate on nothing in particular.
After the instructions and a little comic relief at the first viewing of the PROBE, it was down to business.
'We'll find your little baby.'
I haven't referred to a baby at all. Not since the day, two days after the positive test, that I started to see the blood. It was then that I boxed up any and all of those thoughts and put them away..until. I called the doctor and went in, worried.
'The sickness is reassuring,' said the midwife, 'we'll think happy thoughts and get you an ultrasound.'
And while the sickness was reassuring, no one could tell me how long it might take to wear off if I was to, you know, lose the pregnancy. And I'll tell you this: Any blood looks like a lot of blood when you're pregnant.
As the ultrasound technician moved the wand around, I watched the screen, numb. For the last few weeks, I've worked toward trying to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It hasn't been too hard to prepare for the worst, as sick as I've felt. As worried. And as sad.
'There. You see that little heart beating in the middle there, right?'
And there it was. A beating heart.
She printed out the pictures of the Fava Bean for me, handily labeled 'Baby.'
I took them and left the office to go and sit in my car. I texted this message:
Beating heart. Measuring 8 weeks!
Then I exhaled.
And cried my eyes out.
Dammit, I have got to stop getting so far behind in my reading.
I am so so so happy for you. So very happy. And all caught up :)
Posted by: marty | March 25, 2009 at 01:50 PM
Woo! You go a few weeks without your own computer and look what happens! Congrats - here's to a H&H9.
Posted by: FishyGirl | March 19, 2009 at 12:46 PM
oh, i am so late! so so so sooooo late! but i'm so happy for you - congrats. everyone keeps telling me that the 2nd baby will be totally mellow if the first one was, er, not. cannot wait to find out :)
Posted by: renmen | March 14, 2009 at 11:29 PM
have crawled out from under my rock and damn, am i happy to hear this news even if i'm the last to clue in. :)
and on the exhaling, and the tears, oh yes. i know.
congrats, and may it all be smooth sailing (um, sickness aside, sorry 'bout that one) from here.
Posted by: Bon | February 27, 2009 at 01:12 PM
And sorry I'm so late to the party. Mi vida loca!
Posted by: Shutter Bitch | February 24, 2009 at 10:36 AM
So if The Littlest New Girl becomes a big sister, what are you going to do about your names on the blog?
CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so glad everything's okay!
Posted by: Shutter Bitch | February 24, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Oh, magic!
Posted by: amanda | February 20, 2009 at 05:55 PM
I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I started bleeding, which was especially scary since I had lost three pregnancies previously. When I started bleeding at 6 weeks, I was sure I had lost another, but there was the heartbeat. I bled for 6 weeks, all the way to the end of the first trimester. She's two now, and an amazing kid.
Congratulations! So glad all is well.
Posted by: Fiona Picklebottom | February 20, 2009 at 08:58 AM
Hooray for babies!
Mine's coming in May. May!! How can we be new parents AGAIN so soon???
Posted by: Backpacking Dad | February 19, 2009 at 01:19 AM
Oh my gosh, I totally don't know you, and this is the first thing I've read on your blog, but I definitely cried when I got to the end. I'm almost 12 weeks pregnant, and I've lost track of the number of times I've resigned myself to the baby being Gone. The only nice thing I can say about morning sickness is that it reassures me that baby's still alive and well. Good luck with everything!
Posted by: Lindsey | February 18, 2009 at 01:06 AM
OMG!!!! I am totally in tears! Congrats!! Seriously could not be happier for you guys! Health, happiness, all that comfort for you and that bean!
Squeeeee!!!!!
Posted by: Clink | February 16, 2009 at 07:14 PM
YYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
Posted by: Caren | February 15, 2009 at 01:08 PM
Jeez. This is what I get when I'm absent from the Internets!
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!
So glad all is well, and those tears are happy. I had some bleeding too, during my second pregnancy, about 11 weeks in. Scared the shit out of me. How reassuring to see the little babe fiddling about on the black screen.
Yay!
Posted by: Kelly | February 14, 2009 at 01:23 PM
OH! So happy! Congratulations and I am so sorry for what you've been going through. Two is a magic number, it really, really is.
Posted by: mrs.chicken | February 14, 2009 at 09:39 AM
Also de-lurking to wish you joy, health and happiness!!!! I'm so excited for you and look forward to following your newest journey. (You and I are the same age too which is one of the reasons I initially started reading your blog)
Posted by: Karin | February 14, 2009 at 01:33 AM
So glad we'll have another "set" of cohort cousins...the big kids and the little kids!
Posted by: TLS | February 13, 2009 at 08:30 PM
A BABY! ANOTHER BABY!! WOO!
Lord, girl, you are unbelievable! Going from one at AMA and thinking she'd be an only to being 8 weeks along!!
I'm so happy for you. Can't wait to follow along on your journey!
Posted by: moo | February 13, 2009 at 03:15 PM
Congrats.
Posted by: Secret Mom Thoughts | February 13, 2009 at 02:48 PM
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
Posted by: Swistle | February 13, 2009 at 11:44 AM
What exciting news, you are in an impregnation situation!! HUGE congratulations!!!
Posted by: Jenny | February 13, 2009 at 11:02 AM
I started with fun fact friday and was all like, WHAT!!!!
Congrats to you!
Posted by: Somedayme2 | February 13, 2009 at 09:27 AM
Yay! Congrats!
Posted by: Trenches of Mommyhood | February 13, 2009 at 09:21 AM
Happy for you and so glad things are okay. Good luck with the next 30 weeks.
Posted by: TB | February 13, 2009 at 09:01 AM
De-lurking for a great big congratulations!!
Posted by: Jess | February 12, 2009 at 11:34 PM
Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! I'm really happy for you!
Posted by: Stimey | February 12, 2009 at 08:35 PM
So happy for you guys!
Let's hope The Man was right - this next one will just come flying out. ;)
Posted by: Julie | February 12, 2009 at 08:31 PM
Lurker here... I'm 7.5 weeks with baby #2 (son just turned one last week). Congrats!!! YAY for beating Fava Bean hearts.
Posted by: Donna Y | February 12, 2009 at 05:27 PM
Congratulations! I am so happy for you :^)
Posted by: anne nahm | February 12, 2009 at 05:03 PM
My heart constricted through this entire post b/c when I was pregnant with the boy I had something very similar happen at 7 1/2 weeks. I'm so relieved for you! Congratulations!
Posted by: Dee | February 12, 2009 at 04:36 PM
Joining the other lurkers in congratulations! So excited (and relieved) for you :-)
Posted by: Jen | February 12, 2009 at 04:23 PM
I'm so happy for you. Congrats!
Posted by: Michele | February 12, 2009 at 02:30 PM
I lurk, but I also come OUT of lurking to say CONGRATS and I'm so happy for you!
Posted by: Whimsy | February 12, 2009 at 01:49 PM
WOW!!! YAY!!! CONGRATS!!! WOWWWWW!!!!!
Posted by: amy | February 12, 2009 at 01:20 PM
Congratulations!
Posted by: Sarah | February 12, 2009 at 01:11 PM
I'm so excited for you! Congratulations!!!
Posted by: ellie | February 12, 2009 at 12:55 PM
Yaaaaay! I'm so happy for you guys!
Posted by: Kayt | February 12, 2009 at 12:03 PM
Congrats! The same exact thing happened to me with my 2nd pregnancy! Tilted uterus and vag ultrasound included! Only smiles from here on out!!!
Posted by: Beth | February 12, 2009 at 11:47 AM
Congratulations!
Posted by: Mary | February 12, 2009 at 10:22 AM
So excited! :)
Posted by: Motherhood Uncensored | February 12, 2009 at 09:30 AM
OMG - WHAT amazing news!!!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT..
It is so hard now but you will get through it. My first trimester I "spotted" very often and each time it was the tears and the frustration and each time all was fine! I am now 25 weeks:)
HUGS to you and HUGS to your family - I am so happy for you!
Posted by: kayla | February 12, 2009 at 09:28 AM
Oh wow...that's wonderful! Hopefully the little bean is quite firmly attached now and will give you no more worry. Congratulations!
Posted by: MaggieO | February 12, 2009 at 09:13 AM
WHOA. AIEEEEEEEE!
Oh congrats. SO THRIIIIIIIILED!
Posted by: Tess | February 12, 2009 at 09:06 AM
Congrats TNG!!
Posted by: Bmom | February 12, 2009 at 08:53 AM
Congratulations! I'm thrilled for you.
Posted by: Amy | February 12, 2009 at 08:41 AM
Yay!! TNG is PRG!! That is so awesome. Congratulations!
Posted by: Becky | February 12, 2009 at 08:23 AM
Congratulations!!
Posted by: megumi | February 12, 2009 at 06:41 AM
Congratulations. Have been waiting to hear ths great news from you!!
Posted by: J from Ireland | February 12, 2009 at 04:56 AM
Oh, the weepy relief of a positive ultrasound. Been there, done that. Here's to happy endings! Congrats!
Posted by: *m* | February 12, 2009 at 03:43 AM
Yay! Congrats!
Posted by: Summer | February 12, 2009 at 02:22 AM
Another lurker stopping by to say congratulations!!!
Posted by: grass | February 12, 2009 at 12:15 AM