Catalog Of Mental Glitches*

1. I get completely OBSESSED if there's something stuck in between my teeth.
I cannot REST until it is out.  I will pick, pick, pick.  I'll use a matchbook, some cellophane, a piece of folded paper.  Even in public.  I don't care, I just HAVE TO GET IT OUT.

2. I'm an Inappropriate Laugher.
We've discussed this numerous times before.  If you're a skimmer and/or unfamiliar with the concept, this is an AFFLICTION.  There's nothing humorous about it really.  I have a COMPLETE inability to control my laughter at inappropriate times.  It's awful.

3. I am SEVERELY Directionally Challenged.
I know I've told you this before, too.  It's why I bought the GPS.  And you may think that I'm exaggerating when I tell you that I could get lost along a straight line.  I'm SO, SO NOT.  When I was in Atlanta visiting my BFF, I had a panic attack going to the grocery store by myself.  It was about 3 turns.  When I got back, I couldn't get back into her house.  The key didn't fit and the garage door opener didn't work (even though I kept pushing it and pushing it).  Until I glanced at the house NEXT DOOR to where I was standing (with groceries UNLOADED ONTO THE FRONT PORCH) and saw the garage door GOING DOWN.  OMG.

4. I'm a Guilt Avoider.
I don't avoid feeling guilty if I've done something to feel guilty about but even then, it's usually short lived.  (I don't find guilt very constructive.) I'm Avoidant, though, of people who try to make you feel guilty.  Guilt Inducers.  The only friend to ever call quits on me did so for this very reason.  She was a Big Guilt Inducer and I Avoided the Guilt which would make her, in turn, Induce More Guilt, and so on, until she decided that I just wasn't worth the effort.  It was a little painful but I also have to admit that it was a HUGE RELIEF, to FINALLY not owe her a phone call, during which there was SURE to be Much Guilt Heaped Upon Me.

5. I'm a Pity Avoider.
When my mother was dying, I gave strict instructions to those close to me.  'I don't want anyone saying that they feel sorry for me.'  Those words alone can set my teeth on edge.  It's not just big things that create this reaction in me.  Even during the smallest of issues, someone's overly dramatic sad reaction to my circumstances stiffens my spine.  I'm not sure why [did you say PRIDE?] but when someone is effusive and super emotive on my account, it makes me want to say, 'I'm fine. FINE!' even if I'm totally NOT FINE.

6. I'm a Toucher.
I know that this is not really good.  I try to control it.  I am SO AWARE that there are so many people who don't like to be touched and I really, REALLY want to respect their personal space and all.  It's just, so, AUTOMATIC for me (it is a GLITCH, after all) that I often don't remember that people don't like it until they cringe away from me and/or say something in jest about it.

7. I'm an Over-Tipper.
Self explanatory, that one.

8. I'm Overly Interested in the Occupations of Others.
Woe to you if you have a job that's very different from mine and you find yourself sitting near me at some kind of function.  I have been known to pepper unsuspecting Waste Management Employees with enough questions to write three-part interviews.  I'm fascinated by the nitty-gritty, daily workings of people's jobs.  I've had my [victims] subjects say to me, 'You can't really be INTERESTED in this stuff.'  But oh, oh.  Yes I AM.

9. I am a Message Reviewer.
If I've ever left you a voice mail, chances are very, very [100% sure] good that I've reviewed the message before you heard it.

10. I am a Message Re-Recorder.
I don't even want to THINK about my record for the number of times that I've re-recorded the SAME message on someone's voice mail.

11. I am an Isolator.
When I am feeling low, I cut the fuck OUT.  So, just when I could probably use the company/socialization the most, I drop off of the Earth, only to return to socializing when I'm feeling better.  SUPER!

[Edited to add:]
12. I'm a Jewelry-Taker-Offer.
If I happen to be wearing jewelry that day, it's the first thing to go when I get home.  It, like, starts griping at me, the minute I walk in the door.  I've had to train myself to wait until I get into my room, so all my shit doesn't get lost, throwing here and there, willy nilly.  People who SLEEP and SHOWER in their jewelry?  I DON'T GET YOU.

*Not an exhaustive list, for sure.

Comments

[Swistle]

Ha ha! Okay, I totally have the tooth thing. And I have driven for years on three sides of a square without ever realizing I could have driven on the fourth side instead. I am definitely a Fake-Guilt Avoider, and have dumped at least one friend for it. I can't listen to my messages or I'll end up re-recording all day. I'm NOT a toucher AT ALL, and in fact have to REMIND MYSELF to hug children who are too old to initiate snuggles, but I tend to be friends with Touchers. I don't really mind BEING touched (of course I am NOT talking here about being GROPED by a HUSBAND when I am trying to SLEEP), I just never ever think to do it myself. So it might even STARTLE me, but not in a NEGATIVE way if you see what I mean. More like, "Oh yeah! There's THIS! I forgot!"

[mimi]

Oh the inappropriate laughing. DON'T get me started. Oh, god. Bad.

It's weird that you're a toucher but also a pity-avoider. That's puzzling to me. Usually the pity people like to touch also, and I've always imagined that the pity avoiders were also personal space defenders. You know?

[Stimey]

I'm a total guilt avoider too. It's such a useless emotion. (Unless you've done something really bad, I suppose.) And I can't stand the guilt-heapers.

I absolutely adore your posts, by the way. You rock.

[ali]

i am the WORST inappropriate laugher EVER. it's awful.

[attiton]

Just 11 and 12 here. But I totally don't think you're weird. No, really, I don't. Not at all. Nuh-uh.

[Maura]

I'm addicted to 'brush picks'. They are little plastic toothpicks with a pointy end and a bristle end. They have travel size containers and packs of like 300. I get them at the drug store. I luv them much more than floss.

[New Duck]

Ah! #3! Ack! I have a similar problem, except I can't recognize places I've been many, many times before. I've taken my baby to a friend's house every Tuesday for the last seven months and I still can never remember which house is hers. Totally embarrassing.

[the new girl]

Jayde--Oh hells yes. IF I even WEAR IT that day. Most days, it's no make-up, no jewelry at ALL.

[Chicky Chicky Baby]

Oh wow, we are twins. One day you and I will meet and the world might explode. Two halves of the same whole or something like that.

[Jayde]

Curious- Do you take off your wedding rings too? I know someone who could never sleep or shower with her rings on. I too, need to take off all other jewlery, but my rings stay put.

[MidLifeMama]

Ha. I haven't tried to get into the wrong house, but the wrong car, YES. And I work with someone who wears so many bracelets she jingles everywhere she goes. And she plays with them constantly. AND SHE SLEEPS AND SHOWERS IN IT ALL. I told her once if I had to sleep in the same room with her, I would most likely smother her one night in her sleep. We will always get separate rooms if we go to a conference together.

[bea]

Oooh, I'm a guilt avoider too. I have dropped the guilt-inducing friend more than once.

But reviewing voice mail messages? I had no idea this was even possible. Maybe that's why I never leave voice messages.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

You didn't mention the wads of directions stuck in your car door. LMAO. Those are my favorite part of riding with you.

And Tess is back. Woot!

[The New Girl]

Bmom: When I was a waitress, we watched a man TOTALLY WALK INTO THE LADIES' ROOM and could do NOTHING to stop him. It was hilarious and painful at the same time. We could only wait, helpless, until he came out minutes later. Purple with embarrassment.

I may have chuckled a LITTLE. Glitch #2.

[BMom]

Oh how I enjoyed this list! #1?? I keep floss in my car, purse, desk and all over so that I can deal with this problem anytime, anywhere. Drives me NUTS, but I must take care of it -immediately or I will go crazy. I feel your pain.

I wish I could learn to deal with the guilt-thing like you. I am horribly affected by guilt. It's awful. Dealing with the guilt-afflictors? Drives me over the edge - they know just how to get to me. And then I end up similar to another post on your list - avoiding people at all cost until I come out of my low. Darn guilt.

Not that you wanted my list here, but had to share/comment. I'm thoroughly enjoying everyone's direction stories. My only one is walking in, using and walking out of the stall to find several scary men doing their thing. In a crowded restaurant. Where everyone saw me come out of the clearly marked MENS door. Nice.

[Emily]

I too am a massive toucher - has given the wrong impression on SO many occaisions! But I'm the opposite of directionally challenged - I'm pretty damn good, even in places I've never been before!

[Beth]

OK, I am a bit freaked out as I am 3,5,6,7,11,7&12! I was going to a Christmas party a few years back at a house I'd been to before. Wasn't positive which house,called friend to double check and still knocked on wrong door with food and WALKED INSIDE saying "Hi! Merry Christmas!" The looks on the face of couple was priceless! I almost fainted from embarrassment.

[Fiona Picklebottom]

I have all of those except the touching thing and the directionally challenged thing. Unless you're talking about INSIDE. If I'm in a hotel or a big building or something, I ALWAYS turn the wrong way coming out of a door or elevator. But outside I'm pretty good direction-wise.

[astarte]

OMG, who the hell wants to talk to someone who makes them feel bad all the time?! I'm surprised that woman has any friends at all!

[Tess]

I have nearly ALL of these, no lie.

Except maybe the toucher thing.

[Manic Mommy]

Directionally challenged is my husband. He gets lost pulling out of the driveway. I call him Magellan.

I also laugh inappropriately...and loudly. Funerals are my specialty.

[the new girl]

Bre: I'm not really an unwanted HUGGER. (OMG) I'm more of a 'touch you on the arm repeatedly while we are talking' type of toucher. I blame my Italian heritage.

[Bre]

I am also a Guilt Avoider, which is a BIG reason that I talk to my mother-in-law as little as possible, whose maiden name was, I believe, "Guilttripson".

Re #6: Gah, I am NOT a toucher. Woe is all the huggers who have met my wincing, flinching non-embrace. More woeful are the ones who fail to heed the warning signs and need to be shoved away. Hello, brother-in-law.

[Kai]

#3 had me cracking up. I once took the elevator to the 4th floor of my building and tried to get in the door of my apartment...only to realize I live on the 3rd floor. My neighbors thought I was robbing them.