Good News, Bad News

Good News Receiving

I believe that there are appropriate ways to receive someone else's good news.  In fact, I'm sure that there are probably a countless number of appropriate ways to receive someone else's good news.  The essential component for a successful Good News Receiver is, of course, enthusiasm for the other person's good fortune.

I can conceive of situations in which actual enthusiasm would be difficult to muster.  I understand that often times envy, jealousy, or sour grapes can affect the manner in which you receive another's news.  Also, there are bound to be instances in which we don't see eye to eye on the goodness of the news itself (maybe a job taken, for example.)  In these situations, I am of the opinion that it is preferable (in the interest of friendship and support) to [fake it 'til you make it] feign enthusiasm during good news reception. (I don't think that this is disingenuous--there will be plenty of time for you to get your shit together and scrape up some true good feelings for your friend, after you've worked through all of your *emotional baggage,* yo.)

What is not okay, as far as I'm concerned, is PARADE RAINING.  It is not acceptable to receive someone's good news with a quick, 'Yeah, but have you thought of this?' or, 'I'm not so sure that's what I would do.' or, 'Is that all they offered you?'  You know what I'm trying to say.  There's a MILLION ways to Rain on Someone's Parade.  None of them are friendly.  Or good.

If you're still not convinced, think of it this way: Parade Raining is for grouchy old people.  Who have no teeth.  And no sex.

Just saying.

Bad News Giving

My mother was the worst-ever bad news giver. 

Imagine, if you will, all of the things that you would NOT want from the person who was delivering you some bad news. What? A low, super-serious tone a voice?  Check. Saying your name in that serious tone and then pausing, long enough for you to [shit yourself in fear] spike a panic? Check. Coming out with the absolute WORST possible sentence to describe the situation, so that you are ready to jump out of your skin before you hear the REST OF THE STORY? Fucking CHECK.

For example, The Little Sister was once involved in a scary car accident.  A tractor-trailer clipped her and her car spun out, crossed four lanes of traffic, hit a guard-rail and flipped over it.  The Little Sister walked away from that accident amazingly unharmed (physically, I mean.  Obviously, there was mental trauma brought on my that Motherfucker-Trucker who didn't even STOP to see if he KILLED SOMEONE.  I still check out all the white tractor trailers for accident-scene-leaving-BASTARDS. *hem.* )

Anyway.

The Little Sister had been taken to the hospital and was basically fine.  She was covered in powdered glass and little nicks and cuts and looked like a Gary Busey mug shot, what with the hair all over the place and all that but she was otherwise unharmed and waiting our arrival to pick her up.  She had lost her cell phone in the crash (along with her SHOES, wtf?) and so, she had to call my mom, who then called ME to go and get her from the ER.

Still with me?

Okay.  So, here's what the phone call sounded like: 

*Ring Ring*  

TNG: [Blissfully unaware] 'Hello?'

Mom: [Super-Grave, Serious Tone] 'The New Girl?'

(pause in which I'm shitting myself from fear)'Your sister has been in a bad car accident and she's been taken to the hospital.'

TNG: [Goes into cardiac arrest.]  [Which caused The Man to go into cardiac arrest.] [Which is never, ever good.]

Long story short, after this self-shitting incident, The Man and I took it upon ourselves to SCHOOL HER in the art of 'Breaking Bad News.'

Here's the Syllabus, in case you know a Bad Bad News Giver:

Rule #1: Unless someone is DEAD or DYING (and I mean presently dying) you MUST begin the phone call with a sentence that is cobbled together from these menu choices:

Menu A:

Everyone is/Everything is/Things are/It is

Menu B:

All right/Okay/Fine

Rule #2: Only AFTER you've chosen one item from each menu are you allowed to add the BUT that goes before the fucked up, tragic, dangerous, scary or otherwise bad news.

That's pretty much it.  It worked wonders, btw.

As a weird aside, would you believe that The Man and I got rear-ended on the way to pick up The Little Sister in the emergency room? It was just a fender bender but I was still so jangled from that phone call that I completely lost my shit. Totally, totally. Lost my shit.

True fucking story.

=============================================================================

P.S. Don't forget, there's still time to enter my contest, Superheroes!

Comments

[Amanda]

I agree 100% on both points.
I also feel that it should be illegal to phone anyone after 10:30 p.m. unless someone has died. NO. Actually. Even that can wait until morning, cause I mean, what's the hurry?

:)

[Jamie]

I went into a ditch once (one of many times, actually), slipped on a patch of ice on a dark road and missed a little curve. A friend of mine had died in a car accident earlier that day. Walked to the nearest house, called my parents to come get me. My dad literally pulled the car out of the ditch. And that was it. I felt incredibly foolish.

[Kristi A.]

Oh Gawd...she sounds like my sister.

[Cyn]

Very entertaining, a good read. I always enjoy your writing.

[Julie]

My dad is actually really good at giving bad news. Calm, to the point, no drama.

I try to be extra-good at receiving good news because I know far too well how depressing it is to announce fabulous news with only minimal enthusiasm in return.

[Swistle]

You are exactly right on both issues. ...No, that does not state my feelings strongly enough. YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT ON BOTH ISSUES.

[Sam]

I wish my mother could learn from your very wise wisdom of smartness.

[Caitlin]

I just found your blog yesterday, and I am delurking to say that I could NOT agree with you more!

My Mom is the BEST at giving bad news (unfortunately she's had a lot of practice over the years, and she's a nurse, so it totally makes sense) - but she is the WORST at being excited for me when I have thrilling news.

Literally it's "Oh [insert imaginary ho hum here]. That's nice. Well, have you thought about _____ [fill in the blank with something totally unrelated to my joy, and totally related to the fact that she's having a hard time fully understanding how great the news is, because it reflects me not making the same life choices she did].

You are hilarious New Girl, and I hope this post was inspired by recent Good News, not bad! :)

[Manic Mommy]

After loaning my little sister my truck, she called saying, "Let me start with how really, really, really sorry I am."

Come to find out someone backed into her in a parking lot and broke the rear light cover. $100.00 paid by her. Done.

No. Panic. Necessary.

[Miss Grace]

I don't think Parade Raining is okay for those old sexless toothless folk EITHER.
Just Saying.

[Vicki]

I have a cousin that calls me crying over everything. Its like the little boy who cried wolf. Everyone finally got to the point where we were really short with her because she would lose her shit over the dumbest stuff. Anyways, she calls one day to tell us her mom died and no one answered the phone because we didn't want to hear another sob story. We had to call back immediately and make up some story about not getting to the phone fast enough.

There is such a thing as too much drama...

[Meredith]

When I was a teacher, I would hate calling parents because they would get so worried at just the sound of my voice (or the sight of the school number on the caller i.d.). Usually, I was just calling about little behavior problems, homework, or field trip money, but I always felt so guilty for giving them that moment of panic.

[-R-]

This reminds me of clients I have volunteered to help. They tell you a 20 minute story about why they are being unjustly evicted from their apartment and need to take immediate action against the landlord. We decide on a plan of action and as the client gets ready to leave, she adds, "Also, I have not paid my rent for the last six months."

Next time let's start with that first please. Sheesh.

[RuthWells]

This is why I love our elementary school nurse. When she calls me at work, she starts thusly:

"Hi, this is _____ _____, the school nurse, everything's fine! I'm calling because...."

and so forth.

Works for me.

[Becca]

My husband is the WORST at this.

dh: "I have some bad news" (in super serious tone after hanging up with parents)

me: "Oh? Is everything ok?" (heart palpatations)

dh: long-ass pause

me: "What in the FUCKING FUCK IS THE NEWS?!"

dh: "They're not going to make it up here this weekend because my dad's car broke down."

I think I finally broke him of this habit.

[moo]

I want to know what happened to inspire this post ...

[Tessie]

This one time? When my mom was picking me up from the airport in college? Her car broke down on the way home, and it was snowing pretty hard, and a cop had to give us a ride home, and when the cop car pulled up to our house, my sister came out and PUKED she was so freaked out.

True story. This was before we had cell phones so we couldn't pre-warn her. I'd say she is scarred for life to this day.

[Kayla]

The FIRST one I am totally dealing with as we speak. I have ONE friend that has decided to NOT rain but shit all over my baby making news. Her and I are in the same stage in life when it comes to baby making, we are both ready for the plunge. However, it seems that it is only good for HER to have one, when I talk about it she is like well are you sure, are you seeing the big picture or are you focusing on the fact that you just want one - wtf asshole, what bigger picture. UNREAL.

My mother is also the worst news giver but she does not do it in the grave tone, O NO she gives you like really bad news with all the chirpy chirp in the world.

RING RING

Hi Mom
Hi Honey - you are never going to guess what? (this said in the voice you would use if you you are about to tell someone you JUST won the lottery)
What ma

Uncle Jorge has cancer and has been given 3 months to live, can you imagine?!

Silence...

ALL THE TIME - You are never gonna guess what?

K

[Clink]

You have the most amazing power to make me laugh my ass of while feeling totally bad for someone else at the same time. It is very conflicting.

That said. You are so totally 100% right it is scary. On both counts.

[cardiogirl]

I *just* reviewed this with my husband the other day.

When you have bad news start with the punch.

"Your mother died." Then give me the details.

"Mom is okay, but we had to call 911 yesterday." Give the rest of the scary details.

Yes, my mother is elderly and the family is on a death watch right now.

This post *struck home* in a big bad way.

Totally agree on all the points.