Fun Fact Friday!!

*  I have the WORST-EVER (read: totally and completely non-existent) sense of direction.  For real and true, ask absolutely anyone who knows me.  I am totally Directionally Challenged.  I can EASILY get lost inside a building that's shaped like a fucking square.  Basically, I should always just go the OPPOSITE direction of that which is my instinct.  Not only that, but I also cannot read a map.  I really feel like it's some kind of learning disability and let me tell you, NOTHING makes you feel dumber than not knowing where the hell you are.  Except for maybe not being able to get home from somewhere to which you JUST DROVE YOURSELF a mere two hours ago.

* During the day, if I am not expecting anyone and someone knocks on my door, I NEVER answer it.  I don't care who it is.  I [go and hide in the kitchen where they can't see me] just wait them out until they stop knocking or whatever and then I peek through the drapes to see who it was.  I've watched too many true-crime shows and I have NO desire to communicate with petition-bearers, ware-peddlers, fund-raisers or religion-pushers.  (Aside: One time, my friend The Kid couldn't remember the name Jehova's Witnesses, and she said this famous quote: "...you know, that one religion, where they're all like, 'Ding-Dong, here's Jesus?'" She's funny, The Kid.)

*  When I was in high school, I took driver's ed class.  We watched a movie called 'Be a Feather-Foot.'  I didn't understand the significance of the title because no one under the age of a MILLION YEARS OLD used the term 'Lead-Foot' to describe someone.  And so, for the first half of the movie, I kept ruminating about how Feather-Foot sounded like a Native American Name.  Try it.  Feather-Foot.  Feather-Foot.  Doesn't it?

*  My driver's ed teacher's name, I shit you not, was Harold Armes.  And yes, they WERE. Extremely.

*  We RAN OUT of toilet paper last week.  I'm not talking about OMG there's only one roll left, we better pick some up.  I'm talking about like when you were in undergrad and had to shift half-used rolls from other bathrooms and STILL ended up running ALL THE WAY OUT.  How does that happen in a two-car household, in which there are two educated and employed adults, each of whom, you know, can drive?  What's next?  Cutting open the toothpaste tubes?

*  My most frequently complimented feature is my skin.  My second-most complimented feature is a tie between my hair and my boobs.  Everyone loves my boobs.  I think my boobs are all right but I'd love to have different hair.

*  When I was in my early 20's, I worked at a restaurant (the one where I dropped a HUGE tray of food) and I worked with this girl/woman who was TOTALLY and COMPLETELY miserable ALL THE TIME.  She was one of those people who, upon hearing the totally rhetorical, 'How are you doing?' regularly launched into daily diatribes of *things wrong in her life.*  It was so bad, that I started to play a little game with myself.  I quit asking her how she was and whenever I saw her, I would ask this instead: 'What's wrong?'  HA!  She ALWAYS had something to say.  ALWAYS.  She never, ever said, 'Nothing, why?'  Swear.

*  The Little Sister speaks exclusively in French to The Nephew and to The Littlest New Girl and as a result, I'm finding that I am getting a lot of receptive language.  Sure, it's all about breast-feeding, pooping in the potty and sharing my toys, but still.  It's pretty cool, n'est-ce pas?

*  Next week is TLNG's FIRST EFFING BIRTHDAY!!  I [still haven't planned the party yet *hem*slackermom*hem*] am wondering how you feel about birth stories.  Do you like them?  Hate them?  I really want to know, so don't be shy about saying you'd rather not read about my birth canal.  I only feel like typing that fucking monster if you all really want to read it.

*  PS. For those of you who [want to annoy Sam with the strikeout text] want to know how to strike out, Manic Mommy left the answer in the comments of this post.

Comments

[erin]

We ran out of toilet paper once here (why is this so interesting to all of us crazies?) and I really beat myself up over it. i couldn't BELIEVE I'd do anything so foolish. All the other shit I do is excusable, but I mean, come on, toilet paper!

[Jamie]

Liz? I actually ran into the ocean once. Not ran in like didn't notice the beach and accidentally started driving towards Hawai'i. But missed a turn and kept going down the same road, which started looking more and more residential and less and less like I was going to find the hotel I was already late to, until something looked weird up ahead and someone else in the car said, "Oh fuck. There's the ocean."

I guess I went too far west.

Never hit a moose, though.

[Liz]

Sense of direction? What's that. I'm a landmark queen...Hit the ocean, your going East (shhh all you west coast peeps)Hit Canada? North. Hit Lake Champlain? West...Hit a Moose? call insurance company.

Oh, and I'm all about the birth story, start typing!

[Manic Mommy]

Absolutely the birth story! I love hearing them - in all the graphic detail. It's a weakness, I know.

(thanks for the shout out)

[submommy]

Landmarks. It's all about Landmarks for me. If you tell me to 'head west' anything remotely resembling intelligence will drain from my eyes and you will be left with an empty, blank stare.

We have a Garmin, and SubHub, God Bless Him, is too cheap to update the maps on it, saying "I don't think I should have to pay for maps."

Fine. Guess we'll just be lost. :)

[Read Teach Sew]

Yes, please write the birth story.

I used to have a sense of direction when I lived near the ocean. Now I live in a landbound state, with no major mountains and no ocean to orient me. So I was lost all the time, and my husband bought me a Garmin. It's fantastic. It tells you the street names, too... like "turn right on Thomas Avenue" or "Keep left on I-40." Wonderful stuff.

[Jessica (aka Rose)]

I once got SO lost driving myself home that I went one and a half HOURS out of my way before realizing that I was most definitely not going the right way. Teach me to assume that I lived North of where I was rather than the North West that it really was. When I stopped to ask for directions back to the main highway that ran by my house the gas station attendant said "I think I've heard of that highway." I almost cried.

Also, if people right the doorbell we freeze and try really hard to pretend that they can't see us through the HUGE bay windows that are right next to the front door. Ahem.

[JL]

Grown woman with a doctorate here, Megan, and I can not tell East from West, nor North from South. Except when I'm in Denver, CO, when West is where the mountains are. Always :) Never felt so smart in my life (which should tell you something about the grad school experience).

[Sam]

For some reason my neighborhood is the mecca of fucking people ringing my doorbell/leaving flyers on my front door/car. One time I found shit on my car, looked up and found the realtor's car that was responsible. Or, you know. Whatever. So I walked up and stuck that shit under HER wiper blades and walked away. Showed her, huh? I am a bad ass full of jackassery.

[attiton]

Ah, yes, Driver's Ed. Choice quote from mine (repeat in stilted Texan-drawl...so stilted, in fact, that you should probably imagine that it was affected), "And, aaalwayys remember that you got-ta watch out for them fuzzy-diiice peepul." Yeah, he had issues with those who care enough to decorate their rear-view mirrors with fuzzy dice. You gotta hand it to him, though, I have remembered his advice!

Didn't you promise the birth story way back, you know, closer to the actual birth? I've just been holding my breath this whole time. Can I breathe now?

Finally, yesterday morning at 6am, this household learned that we had NO DIAPERS. Yeah. Just like your toilet paper...how did that happen? Finding spare kleenex wasn't going to do it for us, though. I was seriously toying with the idea that if Rabbit could just make it to 7:45, they have lots of diapers at daycare. Super hubby to the rescue, though. He finagled his way into the Rite Aid before it was scheduled to open and scored some Pampers. Schweet!

[Mackenzie's Momma]

Oooooh birth story! Share, please!

I just recently discovered the amazingness that is Tom Tom. He is wonderful. Except that one voice that is sooo reassuring(its a scottish one) that is all "I'm mr. navigator, and I'll never get you to your destination" so comforting to know that my GPS system has directional issues too.

[Amanda]

I love birth stories. The only ones I could do without are the the TLC birth story type ones. KWIM? I have had two children myself with some gory stuff and an emergency c-section throw in there. So I can handle the gore. And don't get me wrong, birth is awesome and beautiful. No doubt about it. But I hope you don't tell me you scrap booked with your family the week before you went into labor. Or that you are now one with your vagina having birthed at home in a tub surrounded by candles. Or do, whatever, it is your blog.

[RockyCat]

Just remember, west is left and east is right. Or is it the other way 'round .... oops.

And thanks, Manic Mommy, for passing on the secret of strikethrough text! I promise to use my new powers for good, not evil.

[Heather]

I don't remember my driver's ed instructor's name, but I do know that he smoked like a pack or so of cigarettes each time he was with us. And he smelled, gah, the stench was almost unbearable.

I think you should tell the birthstory, I think that it would be cool and you write so well.

[Wide Lawns]

1. Birth stories really, really scare me a lot. I get extremely freaked out reading mommy bloggers' birth stories because they make it sound, or at least I interpret it that way, as so traumatic, violent, gory and well, kind of awful. I don't have kids yet, so when I read these things they upset me and make me not want to have kids and lately I've been trying to want to have kids more. So, if you go with the birth story maybe you could try to put some spin on it that doesn't make it sound so awful. Maybe make it sound like something I'd actually be interested in doing one day.

2. My driver's ed teacher and I really kid you not here, was Dick Weiner. I always wondered what kind of a man would torture himself by taking a job around teenagers with a name like that. I should post about driver's ed someday soon.

[stljoie]

I, too, have no sense of direction...here in St. Louis if I can keep track of where the river is I'm okay. And streets running east and west and avenues running north and south helps. But once in San Francisco...well, it was hopeless. I went to the bathroom in the central bus station and all four exits were identical..and then when I asked someone where to get the bus I needed they lied and I ended up in a Barrio. My new friend just discovered this about me and she has the same problem and said we can never travel together alone and that made me sad.

[Amber]

You must write your birth story. As well as you write it will be great!

[Megan]

My husband so does not understand the directionally challenged. Him: Go west.
Me: Huh?
Him: Towards the ocean?!?
Me: The ocean is 30 miles away
Him: Oh for f's sake, TURN LEFT! (muttering under breath) I do not understand how a grown woman with a master's degree doesn't know east from west.

He always says this shit. He thinks it's like learning algebra. Keep trying and eventually you'll get it. (Oh, and by the way, I had to take algebra in summber school.)

As for the birth story - tell, tell! Our babies are like one day apart, I think!

[Cassie]

I'm going to have my first baby sometime within the next 13 days (induction date is set just in case!), so I would LOVE to hear your birth story. :)

[MidLifeMama]

Of course you should post the birth story. And I read this article about a woman with such a bad sense of direction she couldn't find her way home to the house she was raised in after she moved out. HA. And do random strangers compliment your boobs, or just people who know you? Cause if strangers do, then they must be pretty hoobacious.

[Lora]

I love, love, love birth stories...bring it on! Oh to have a blog of my own so I could repeatedly tell mine...lol.

[anne nahm]

Even though I love you like I love chocolate:

I must discover where you live, just so I can spend the afternoon running up to ring your doorbell before running away.

Maybe I'll leave Baby J with a ding-dong or something.

[Mrs Kittens]

I, urm, love birth stories! But don't tell anyone.

[Vicki]

Definately want the birth story. And, OMG, like half my hubby's family is the *Ding dong-here's Jesus* type. LMAO. I totally have to tell him that. He'll laugh because he's just as warped as I am.

I also hate to admit it but I'm one of those people who buys the giant packs of tp because we totally go through some serious amounts of tp in no time. I just don't get it...

My hubby's one of those people who will get lost and refuse to ask for directions. Thank goodness I know how to read a map or we'd never get anywhere...great post BTW!!

[Becca]

I hide in my kitchen too. We used to live in a less savory nabe and this schitzophrenic (literally, not just being rude) chick used to come by like three times a week wanting to use my phone to call her daughter's PO/drunk husband/old boss. She was hard to get rid of.

[Jackee]

My first visit to your blog, and "I'll be back". (come on, it's corny but don't JUDGE)
I too love FFF, don't EVEN have a doorbell, and sometimes I ignore the phone too. (Gasp)
Running out of TP is a creepy feeling. But to buy hoards and hoards of the biggest package of TP quickly elevates you into the over 65 classification.

[amanda]

i too hide from random doorbell ringers. how dare they think i will actually answer.

btw - i look forward to these facts every week. very fun.

and yes birth stories are wonderful.

happy friday

[Paula]

There are people out there who answer their doors? Hmm. Interesting. I NEVER answer my door. And I don't intend to start either!

[Kai]

I never open the door either! I live in an apartment and my buzzer broke over a year ago and I never got it fixed.

I'm ALL for reading the birth story too!!!

[Swistle]

Tomorrow is Henry's, OMG. I LOVE birth stories. LOVE.

GPS, baby. I borrowed my dad's, and it was SO COOL. I was driving, and it was like, "Turn approaching. Turn right," and somehow I managed to miss it anyway, and so it said, "Recalculating. Turn left," etc., and got me back on track. AWESOME.

[Tessie]

This is my favorite FFF EVER!

1)I never, ever answer the door. Even if I KNOW the person, I still make BR do it. I can't see out the peephole, man!

2)No, *I* am the most directionally challenged person. Also, my brain does not process N, S, E, and W. The ONLY place on the PLANET that I know which direction I am faced in standing in the middle of the four-way-stop in the town where I grew up. I need a GPS. No, really. IMPLANTED IN MY HEAD.

3)Last week we ran OUT out of TP too. We had to use KLEENEX. So humiliating.

4)You HAVE to tell your birth story! WHAT THE?

[laurey]

love birth stories. please?
great post btw.

[Erica]

"Ding dong.... here's Jesus!"
OMG - I totally snorted coffee out my nose.

Way to take FFF up a notch : )