CRAZAY MOFO NEIGHBOR-OFF Pt 2

The 'Super-Exciting Sunday Morning Driveway Chase' Story.  Continued.

Okay, so I'm going to pick up right where I left off.  (I'm getting right to it, in case you're really excited to know what happened.  So you don't kill me for leaving you hanging.  Which I only did because the post was so wicked long and how are you suppo--What's that now?  Oh!  Yeah, okay.  I'll get on with it, then.)

So, I rounded the corner and my heart? It stopped.  Because, my friends, The Dog was not barking at some super-brave deer.  Oh, no he was not.  Because, my friends, right there, in my back yard, staggering toward my crazy-barking dog, was a COMPLETELY, TOTALLY, SPECTACULARLY, FUCKED-UP GUY.  And when I say 'FUCKED-UP,' I am not just talking about a regular, run-of-the-mill *drank all night and need to sleep it off* kind of fucked-up.  I am talking about an *on some kind of insane drugs plus  LOADS of booze all night long at MANSON'S PLACE* kind of FUCKED-UP.  Also?  He was SUPER-DUPER DISHEV.  I don't mean that he was a little dishev from a night of hard partying.  I'm saying that he was COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY GRUBBY.  And also?  He was covered in blood.  Yes, yes.  That's what I said.  He was covered. in. BLOOD.  And he was INSIDE my FENCED-IN back yard.  Staggering.  Toward my stalwart and oh, so, good The Dog.

I did mention that this was just before 7AM, on a Sunday, right?

My heart started beating again, double-time and in my throat, thankyouverymuch, and I watched, horrified, as he came closer to The Dog and to ME and to my TOTALLY OPEN BACK DOOR.  He lost his balance and fell, head-first into our glass patio set.  That's when I closed the door (leaving The Dog out as my [sacrificial lamb] protector) and went to get The Man.

[Aside: if you're [a skimmer] a new reader, and you aren't able to predict how The Man might process this kind of awakening, do yourself a HUGE favor and read this post, here.  I'll wait for you because you'll miss at least HALF of the funny contained in this story without the knowledge afforded you by the post.]

The Man acted true to form and so this was, oh, probably the third time in his life that he'd LEAPED out of bed to come to my rescue, bumbly, disoriented and wearing only his underpants.  On his way to the back door, he picked up his aluminum baseball bat.  Like a true Super-Hero.

Let's pause here, to give you a minute to fix the mental picture.

Got it?  M'kay.

So, The Man goes tearing through the house toward the back door, adrenaline pumping, as I turn to pick up the phone to call 911.  And this is the part where The Man utters the line that will be etched on his tombstone.  This line, spoken with such amazing urgency at the time, has rendered us helpless with laughter every time it has been spoken since.  And now, dear and patient readers, I will share it with you.

As The Man got to the back door, he surveyed the situation and then, as he fumbled with the knob, he turned to me and said this:

"GET ME PANTS!!"

Which, of course, I did.

I returned after getting the pants and calling the police, The Man and I go out into the yard, just in time to see the IFUG (Incredibly Fucked-Up Guy) trying to *escape* by climbing over the fence.  HOWEVER  and OF COURSE, he was WAY too fucked up to accomplish the move and he ended up FALLING FLAT and applying his FACE DIRECTLY TO THE ASPHALT on the other side of the fence.  He staggered to his feet and was now GUSHING blood.

About this time Manson shows up, wild and crazy-looking as ever.  Having heard the commotion, he came barrel-assing out of his house, trying to [avoid further exposure to law enforcement] calm the situation.  And for whatever reason, upon seeing Manson, I became ENRAGED.  I started screaming and cursing and OMG, it turned into a full-blown episode of JERRY SPRINGER on my driveway.  I'm not even joking.  It went like this:

TNG: 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, DUDE?!  THIS IS TOOOOTALLY FUCKED UP, DO YOU KNOW THAT?  FUCK FUCK FUUUUCK KAJA GOOGOO CURSING CURSING CURSING INSULTING CURSSSSIIINNNG.'

Manson: 'I know, I know, I'm so sorry, I don't let him come over, he just came over.  I'm so sorrysorry sorry soooooorrrryyyy sorry, I'm so soorrryyy.'

TNG: 'Well WHATTHEFUCKEVER.  I just called the cops, and they'll be here ANY MINUTE.  So, sjlfoiub;l  licjoj;glki And also CURSING CURSING STILL EFFING AND CURSING WHAAAT THEE FUUCCCK??'

I then go into the house and do a Gladys Kravitz out the side window and this, friends, is where the comedy portion of our show goes into full swing.  Because Manson was trying desperately to help his friend to get away before the police came.  And as he's easing the guy into his car, something clicks for the IFUG.  He changes his mind and backs away from Manson.  He refuses to get into the car.  They start to quarrel, Manson trying to Talk Sense and the IFUG trying to get away...from Manson.   Then? He started to run.  And Manson started to chase him, pleading with him to get into the car for his own sake. 

Dudes.  They ran around and around and around the car.  Needing only some of that catchy circus-clown music to make the scene complete.  I had to hand it to IFUG, though, he never fell for that crafty trick that you do when you're chasing someone.  You know, when you turn and run the other way?  Even in his fucked-up, dishev and bleeding state, he was hip to that jive.

Anyway.

The police came, an ambulance came, and the comedy continued.  The only other moment of drama was when The Man discovered that the side mirror on his BRAND NEW CAR was broken and dangling.  That was a little touch and go there because by then, The Police were on the scene and I was a little reluctant to do the Full Jerry on the driveway with The Fuzz parked on the street.  Oh. And I should say that there were SEVEN POLICE CARS there, lights flashing and all.  On a SUNDAY MORNING.

Then I went in to finish getting ready for work.  HO HO!!  Did you forget that I was in the middle of putting on make-up and all when I went to check on The Dog?  I went back into the bathroom and when I looked into the mirror, I got the surprise of a lifetime.  For underneath and between my eyes and on the sides of my nose were perfectly placed dots of concealer that had yet to be blended.

And so, yes, friends.  Yes.  I was out on the driveway, unleashing my PERSONAL POWER onto Crazy Manson with what looked like WAR-PAINT on my face.

And this thought occurred to me: 'If there had been an uninformed, impartial observer witnessing that entire event, who would have looked crazier?  The quiet and apologetic Manson who was trying to help out his [recent parolee] friend?  Or the SCREAMING, CURSING, WAR-PAINTED, JERRY SPRINGER, MOFO NEIGHBORS?'

Uh-huh.  That's what I thought, too.

And then I scheduled my basket-weaving class and wrung my hands and cackled myself to death. The end.

Comments

[Ruth]

LMFAO!!!!! LOL!!! HAHA, you rock at story telling, and what a crazy story!
Speaking of waking up babies. I just laughed so hard that I woke up my little couch sleeper. AND today is her first day of piggy-grabbing!! YAY!

[Jess]

This made me laugh so hard I woke the sleeping (and now incredibly angry) baby on my lap.

[Jennifer]

Holy shit that was hilarious! I mean, sure it was scary, but the concealer under the eyes...BRILLIANT!

[erin]

Reading this much too late and laughing my ass off!

[Stimey]

I laughed harder at this post than I have ever laughed at a post in my life.

Nice.

[Heather]

Heyseuss, I love Anne Nahm so much for passing along this link. I laughed so hard I woke up the baby. And I don't even CARE!

[Well Read Hostess]

More! More! I want more!

And I've decided that I DO want you to live near me...but please leave your neighbors somewhere else.

[Liz]

I know I'm Clink's BF but you sooooo win :)

[Manic Mommy]

I need a part 3! What happened when the police arrived? Is Manson still your neighbor? Does he continue to be nice to you guys? Any more weirdness???

I HAVE QUESTIONS!!

[moo]

BEST. STORY. EVER.

Now *I* need some new pants, since I just peed mine.

[stljoie]

I just found you as this story began and I'm soooo glad I did. Very very funny.

[jean]

OMG! Absolutely the funniest story ever.

[New Duck]

Oh. Dear. God. You are now my favorite blogger of all time. And that says a lot cause I read the Bloggess and she rocks. But you're totally better.

[Julie]

"Get me pants!"

Said with a Scottish accent, right?

[sssm]

OMG! I heard this story before and I was RIVETED. SO funny!

[Amy Jo]

Best. Story. Ever.

[Lindsay]

For some reason I picture your crazy neighbor and crazier friend as Johnny Depp and Benicio from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" haha. Great story!

[Vicky]

Thanks for the laugh. My neighbor doesn't seem nearly as crazy now.

[Krissa]

OHMIGAWD! I have TEARS rolling down my cheeks as I type this! HI-STERICAL! I didn't even read the rest of the comments before I posted mine! And I usually do. I am off to read the other comments and I am going to link to you on my blog. Gotta spread this story around! Priceless!
Oh, what happened next? Did The Man lose his shit about the mirror?
Did the pants you brought him match the shirt he had on? Ba ha ha ha!

[attiton]

Yup, true to form. Thanks so much for sharing.

[mamatulip]

OMG.

So like, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?!

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

So how are you when you've had a few cocktails? You totally crack me up and your story-telling is amazing. And you're sober right now, right? I totally want to hang with you!

[m]

More! I need more! Specifically: What happened the NEXT time you saw Crazy Mo? Inquiring minds want to know.

[Emily]

That is absolutely hilarious. I don't know whether the pants the round the car chase or the war paint is funnier but that was a damn fine start to my day!

[Andrea]

Get me pants!

Bwahahahahaha!

And I love the twist at the end, where you end up looking crazier than Manson to the casual observer. Too funny. And good for The Dog for alerting you to both the bloody IFUG and also to the trash fire bit. Good dog.

[Catizhere]

Oh hell yeah, you win.

[Karly]

Love the little twist there where you end up being a crazy neighbor as well! Hilarious!

[RuthWells]

I think the dots of concealer are the stroke of genius in this story!

[Kidlicious]

That is the most hilarious story I've ever heard - you are brilliant. Love the warpaint.

[Becca]

OH MY HELL. Laughing inappropriately loud in public here. "Get me pants!" Bwahahahaha.

[Heather Durdil]

I was so excited to see the conclusion of this story today. OMG !! You win any crazy MOFO neighbor competition!!

[catnip]

You win! You don't HAVE the crazay mofo neighbor. You ARE the crazay mofo neighbor! I really needed that laugh today :)

[Erica]

There are actual tears streaming down my face from the laughter. I cannot believe that shit! I mean, I BELIEVE it, it's just so UNBELIEVABLE!

[Kai]

Wow...I have to admit that was quite the cliffhanger yesterday and it was WELL WORTH the wait. Wow. just WOW.

[Swistle]

Ahhhhhhh *wipes tears* That was a GREAT start to my morning. GREAT.

[Slouching Mom]

OH. MY. GOD.

[the new girl]

Anne: Oddly, I never really felt threatened by Manson himself. It was always the other crazy fucks he had around.

Also? HA HA on the IFUG burgers...but I think that the IFUG Meat would be a little...how do I say it? Um. A little too AGED for Manson. (hork.)

[anne nahm]

Holy shit. All I can think is Jeffery Dalhmer.

Hope nobody had IFUG burgers over at the Manson house later that summer.

[Jen]

That was hysterical!!!
..."and I was a little reluctant to do the Full Jerry on the driveway with The Fuzz parked on the street."
Good stuff... Thanks for the laugh!!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

See, what you didn't know was that he was a totally awesome blog fodder.

All crazy nut jobs are, I guess.

[Clink]

OMG!!! First, I am hysterical...I mean full tears down the face, I can barely type. Hysterical! I think this may be your greatest post ever.
Next...I 100%, without a doubt or regret CONCEDE.

Not Al Gore Concede. Bob Dole concede.

I bow down to you oh keeper of the CA-RAZIEST MOFO EVER!

[The Domestic Goddess]

Oh My holy heck that is one weird story. My favorite part, of course, was when your husband called for pants. CLASSIC! TRUE HERO FORM!

[Ξ_Heather]

Excellent! Even if Crazy Mofo neighbor has a blog somewhere, I can't imagine that his side is any better than this.

[Brandi]

Oh my. I laughed so hard I snorted. My husband & children want to know what's wrong with me. I'm so sorry you have the neighbor from hell. And, yes, I think you won the competition!