Wherein I Test Your Resolve To Love Me and Whine For The 40 Bazillionth Time

It seems as though all of my creativity is being expressed in my breast milk.

My daughter is eating it all, I swear.

Not that I mind giving it to her.  She is welcome to have my creativity-laced, love-filled, warm Mama-milky.  Welcome to it.

And I know you all say it gets better.  I am counting on that.  Because it's not just my creativity that's edible, apparently.  It's also my patience.  And maybe my sense of self. 

I'm feeling a little hemmed in.  Like a little baby chick that's all ready to come out.  Wet down and sharp beak and peck-peck-peck at the shell that won't budge, if you know what I'm saying.  If you don't, what I'm saying is that I'd like to take this kid for a walk around the neighborhood for longer than 10 minutes without the Level 4 Meltdown.

And please. know. this.  When I look at her, I get filled up.  She's perfect and beautiful and I know that it's not her, per se.

It's just that I've got nothing left over.  Not right now.  And despite my desire to shoe-horn another picture of the cute cutie into your computer, perhaps a better use of these 3 minutes (the ones right before she wakes up back there, in her co-sleeper and cries to be held and bounced, bounced, bounced all day) would be better spent *ahem* in the bathroom.

So, excuse me if you would.

Comments

[slouching mom]

The twelve week mark is supposed to be huge in signaling the end of much of the newborn fussiness -- unless the baby has colic, which she doesn't, right?

She's only three or so weeks away from twelve weeks, no?

[Manic Mommy]

Very similar to the ass-vice I gave you before: Call the little sister, let her pat, and rock, and bounce, and walk the littlest girl and spend an hour in Barnes and Noble. By yourself. Alone. Without the baby. Did I say ALONE?

[Shelly]

It does get better, I promise, but I totally understand what you mean. Soon enough you won't even be able to remember these times clearly, they'll just be a hazy memory. That's nature's way of saying "I'm sorry", I think.

[Leticia]

I'm in the same boat with you...my son is a little older (born 5/7)...and already I can tell a difference. He's sleeping a little better and just easier to "entertain." I felt a complete loss of "self" when I had him. It just feels like I exist to give to him and no one else. Part of it is very cool....the other part is very exhausting. But, it does get better....

[Dawn]

We're at almost 16 weeks and at least I can set him on the floor when nature calls. I just use it as a good time to start the brainwashing of "big people use the potty".

Of course just now he fell asleep in the wrap, I got hot, took him out and it still woke his ass up. My mom just sits back and laughs and laughs when I tell her these things. Apparently she believes THIS is nature's way of saying sorry - to her.

But it's better than it was at 10 weeks. I SWEAR!

[Kelly]

Oh dear. Soon, so soon it'll be better. I've been right where you are with the tired but used to it and feeling so.damned.empty and "who am I again?"
What helped me was giving the little one to the hubby and going out. Alone. Even if it's to somewhere practical like the grocery store. Even if you just drive around with the music blaring. I also shopped a lot, during those times. Self-identification through purchased items.

[Kristen]

Hang in there my friend.

I'd call you but I'd probably start crying.

[Swistle]

I found it helpful not to get out of the house by myself (although that's good too) but to have my husband take the baby out of the house so I could have the house to myself for awhile. Otherwise I get this feeling like "my house" is not mine AT ALL, but instead belongs to the TINY TYRANNICAL CREATURES WHO SUCK ALL THE LIFE OUT OF THE....excuse me. I'm due for a little Alone In The House time.

[Lora]

I am so sorry that it is hard. And I'm sorry that you always feel the need to let us know you love the littlest girl. We know you love her, that your life wouldn't be the same without her (although you would be more rested). I remember well the long days with my son - the feeling of loss, the feeling of responsibility, just "the feeling" that no man understands in the same way another mother does. We get it...we understand, and we are always here to listen, to encourage (I hope, anyway) and just hopefully, help you through this in some small way. Hang in there! The challenges never go away, they just change, but this time will pass.

[Redneck mommy]

You are not making me desire a baby....dammit. With my luck the adoption will move forward and I'll end up with a squalling infant and remember your words running through my head like a bad television commercial theme...

Hang in there.

I PROMISE it gets easier. Once she turns ten or so.

Promise.

[jen]

i swear i never thought it would get any better till one day it just did. and then i've forgotten how bad it was until i read this and remembered how lonely and awful it was (and yes, amidst so much joy)

[mothergoosemouse]

One day at a time. Keep taking it slow. You're doing great, I swear.

[bubandpie]

Oh, the bouncing. From 10-15 weeks with the Bub, I almost died of the constant bouncing (bad, bad napping transition in there too). And then it got better. The Jolly Jumper was a very big deal, as soon as he got enough head control to go in it. Then he could bounce HIMSELF.

[BOSSY]

Ah yes, Bossy remembers when she was merely a thing of lactation.

[MammaLoves]

No need to explain.

I remember.

[the new girl]

It's a fair and reassuring point, Lora.

I just feel like sometimes when I write what I'm thinking/feeling, it reads harsh.

I just want to make extra sure that my peeps know that I know how lucky I am in the long run, even if we're 'in the weeds' right now.

xo

[Shannon]

You're not a bad mother for feeling that way. My daughter was exactly that way and, as someone else said, it seems to go on and on until one day it is just over. I hope it will be soon for you.

[Mom101]

We all know, bubalah. We all know.

Just take care of yourself. the rest of us are all just strangers behind computer screens and you owe us no explanations.

[Leann I Am]

I would love to say it's the breastmilk, but I think having children makes you a little 'distracted' forEVER!!!

It eventually gets easier. It almost happens so slowly that you don't notice it. You'll just look back at your life a few months prior and realize how much better you have it now than you did back then.

Then, they start to walk and talk and it becomes a 'different kind of hard.'

For every 'con' you experience, there should be a 'pro' as well. Just enjoy the ride...

[Angela]

Don't worry about us, throw us a word or two every few days and spend whatever "free" time you can squeeze in asleep or in the bathroom. It will get better, we all promise that.

And of course you lover her! She's a perfect baby! ((hugs))

[TB]

Yeah, I know. Still trying to figure it all out myself, and as much as I'd like to say it gets better at 12 weeks, or 4 months, all I can tell you is this: Things do get incrementally easier day by day, week by week, but the big stuff? I think it's going to take decades to get it all figured out. It's a journey, but don't forget you are not alone.