Not Even If It Was The Last Pastry On Earth

When you're getting ready to have a baby, people are really, really free with the info.  Maybe a little too free sometimes.  Like, sometimes they can scare the shit out of you, the unsuspecting expecting darling.  They tell you all of the ways that pregnancy and childbirth can ravage your physical self.

The physical self that you, up until very recently, had a lot of control over.

They tell you about the morning sickness, the nausea, the vomiting.

They tell you about the cravings, the weight gain.

They tell you about the varicose veins, the loose joints, the back pain.

They tell you about the stretch marks, the itchy dry skin, the hormonal surges.

They tell you about the insomnia, the leg cramps, the anxiety.

They tell you about the labor and delivery process, the pain of contractions, the pushing.

They even tell you about the hemorrhoids and the tendency that you have to pee in your pants when you sneeze or cough.

But they never tell you that THIS can happen to you as a result of pushing (for.ever.) a child from out your uterus...

They never tell you that you can break your butt hole.

Now, let me be clear.  Well--as clear as good taste and common sense will allow.  I wouldn't say that mine all-the-way broken.  I mean, it's early yet.  I'm choosing to think that perhaps, you know, it's just like--on the blink.  Shocked senseless, perhaps, at the sudden calling to action that it had--assuming as it may have that at the ripe old age of 38, it was going to get all the way through this life without having to endure that kind of combat.  My poor, unsuspecting butt hole.

Also, it's not like I'm wearing these (yet).  I'm not afraid to leave the house (yet).  It's more like...if I have to go...I have to go.  As in: psssst, the enemy is sneaking past the guards and through the gate. (You gotta read between the lines, there.)  Or, to be less artistic about it, it's like: drop-whatever-the-hell-you-are-doing-and-get-to-the-hopper-right-fucking-now-or-have-yourself-a-fudgie-bottom.  And I'm not talking about a delicious Fudgie Bottom Cookie made by cute little Keebler Elves, my friends. 

Why would I tell you all of this, you ask?  Good question, that. 

The Man thinks that I've finally lost my marbles and I'm blaming it mostly on the sleep deprivation.  But in my altruistic way, it's also a kind of cautionary tale, isn't it?  So, consider yourselves warned--all you [goddam geniuses] childless-by-choice women and you [lucky fuckers] women who were spared this bit of loveliness after giving birth.  Look out for your butt holes, ladies.  You don't realize quite how *ahem* strong they are for you everyday.

Anyway, where are my manners?

Here, would you care for a Fudgie Bottom? 

I've never had one myself but I hear they're delightful.

Comments

[Karla]

Oh my goodness, this was funny. But! I'm not sure if I should laugh or squish my butt cheeks together.

[Loni, Mama of a Dozen]

This does not just happen with vaginal deliveries but can as well with c-sections! I had problems after my last (5th) c/section, and thankfully with kegals it did self-correct. It's not fun = but thank you for sharing the funny side of it! :)

[heather]

And I was whining about my varicose veins and fallen arches. Um. Good luck with that.

[nora]

Ouch. I think this is yet more evidence that evolution is not complete. This can't really be the best way to birth a baby, can it?

[angie]

Had my own broken butthole last time. (Oh, mine got better, but required surgery) I'm having a c-section this time around!

[Christianna]

Ugh! Don't despair--it does get better but it takes awhile! (I had a 4th degree tear and my son is now 13 months old and things are pretty much back to normal). THANK YOU for speaking up about this. So many things I wish I'd known about!

[TB]

Yeah. I was pretty worried about this after my husband coulldn't wait to tell me how my "asshole was turned inside out" while I was pushing. But thankfully, everything seems to be fine.

[Jenny H.]

Yeah, been there. Twice. Considering going there again later this year. I must be insane!

Hang in there, it will become better! This is the first time I have read your blog! You can thank Amy for that!!

[Pixie]

Can you beleive people leave this very important detail out of all the crap they feel like telling you about before you have a baby!? Nobody warned me either then I had a forcep delivery and the baby was face up and it was just all bad. I ended up having a 4th degree tear, nothing like that kind of hell. Don't worry though, do those kegals and all will be better. I would say fine but then I would be lying. My girl is two now and I still have to make the occasional mad dash to the nearest toilet but most of the time it's not a problem any more.

[Wacky Mommy]

Best wishes for your butt.

[Jennifer]

omg. that was very funny. thank you for this public service announcement because after having two babies, I think I might be pushing my luck with a baby 3...

[kay]

After having my first two children, I came home from the hospital and went shopping at the mall. I felt better than ever.

After my third child, at age 34, I once again attempted to go shopping the day that I came home from the hospital.

Big Mistake.

While in the car, I had the urge to go and COULD NOT HOLD IT. Yep, crapped my pants in the car.

Talk about the walk of shame as you get out of your car and run into your house. Let's not even mention the smell.

[laughing mommy]

After I gave birth to my first baby I got letters from a local teaching hospital inquiring whether I was having anal leakage. I kept throwing the letters in the trash until I realized they weren't going to stop until I gave them an answer. So I wrote on the form "I haven't pooped my pants yet, but if I do, I'll let you know." and I mailed it back. They haven't contacted me since.

I didn't have this particular problem, but I still can't jump on the trampoline without nearly peeing my pants, and my youngest is 20 months old.

[amy]

OMG so I'm not the only one that has this problem after having kids? It won't help you to hear that 8 yrs after my first, and battered yet again 4 yrs ago by child #2, it's STILL like that for me.

[Le Petit Chic]

Good lord, you women are scaring me! (I almost wrote scaring the crap out of me, but thought it best not to go there!)

[Ash]

I'm dying, that was awesome! More, More, MORE!

[Becca]

I hear ya! I have a 9 month old and I'm still surprised daily by what goes on in the bathroom. DH now gets so concerned he knocks on the door because "it's just taking a really long time!"

[l]

This is the first time I have ever read your blog, but I will not reveal my personal info this time, as I am not as strong or cool as you. I had an "emergency" c-section after all labor, non drugged process, and still mine was not quite all the way, but still pretty badly broken, broken like, my "baby" is now almost 5 and I've probably only gotten past it in the last year or so.. so sad...

[Rose]

Never have I been happier to be having another c-section...

[Briana]

Wow. Makes me think twice about having baby #2 now.
Eeek.

And on a positive note, you can always go see a pelvic floor specialist if it persists, because I worked with one at my last hospital job (I think they are usually nurses or therapists with a specialization) and it was really successful with incontinence control. It's like PT for the private muscles! ;)

[Mrs. Chicken]

It is posts like this that make me glad they sliced open my belly and yanked her out.

Get better soon, girlie.

[Mrs. Chicken]

It is posts like this that make me glad they sliced open my belly and yanked her out.

Get better soon, girlie.

[little sister]

Real tears from the laughing.

[angie]

Squats and kegels are your best friend, honey. There is actually life after this, meaning it is totally fixable. This is coming from a mother of 6 with one on the way.

[angie]

Squats and kegels are your best friend, honey. There is actually life after this, meaning it is totally fixable. This is coming from a mother of 6 with one on the way.