1. People who can’t drive in the snow. I realize that this is mostly geographical. I was brought up in an area with lots of snow and where I am now, people completely lose their shit when they hear a snow storm may be coming. They either go a) one mile per hour after pulling out right in front of me or b) continue to drive 75 mph on a side street because they’re so ‘not afraid to drive in the snow.’ All in the direction of the supermarket, mind you. Because they have to buy eggs, milk and bread. Just in case.
2. Being sick during pregnancy. First it was the marathon 5.5 months of vomiting, followed by the continuing relentless reflux. I had a cold last month and have another one right now. I never get sick more than once a year and now, I guess, I’m just going to be sick, once, for the entire fucking year.
4. People who can’t take a joke. Particularly in this way. I say something sarcastic (and undeniably funny) and they get all super-serious and say something like, ‘No, really,’ or ‘that really happened,’ or something else equally buzz-kill-ish. Listen, we all have our ways to cope. You go drink your Cosmo and I’ll keep on mocking [
you] life. It’s what works for me.
5. Kids getting lost when they are out camping with the Boy Scouts. Seriously. WTF? Aren’t they supposed to be learning survival skills? Such as, oh, how one might get found when he’s lost in the wilderness? Maybe they should have all their camp-outs in places like this. Maybe that would be better.
6. My right nostril. It somehow manages to be 100% fully blocked and yet run at the same time. How is that possible?
7. Political correctness. I think it started out with good intentions but looks now to be all about surface, spin, appearances vs. an embodiment of an actual ideal. Plus, you can’t say things that are pretty fun to say. Ask Ann Coulter. (See what I did there? That was my SARcasm. Check number 4 before responding.)
8. Any kind of celebrity [gossip] news. I don’t deny the massive amount of power these people wield and the incredible attention that is commanded when one of them loses their fucking marbles or does something admirable. To be completely honest with you, though, I don’t care when Britney gets out of rehab and I don’t care where Brad and Angie are picking up their next kid. I've got other, more pressing things to worry about. Like who the hell is setting my trash on fire.
9. Sexualized clothing and toys for little girls. C’mon. For real. What the fuck are they thinking? Who’s buying this shit? Never mind. I don’t really want to know.
10. Having no sex drive during this pregnancy. Last night I had a dream that I was giving a BJ to my own husband. Yes. That’s what I said. To my very own husband. That is just so wrong.
11. Any type of reality TV. Except for Project Runway and Top Chef. All the other shows make me either a) nauseated by the [
things that desperate people will eat] depths that people will go to for money or a tiny bit of fame or b) embarrassed for the saps who need to make these ‘lesser of two evils’ type career decisions. I know, I know, they learn to dance. I just can’t take it.
12. The massive political power of the food industry and agribusiness lobbies.
13. Super-Conservative, Right-Wing, Blowhard Asshats. Especially the ones who manage to continue to hold power and sway despite repeated fuck-ups. Which is like, all of them, innit?
14. The morning, evening, local, and national news. See number 11.
15. People who tell you that waking up every two hours in your third trimester is ‘good practice for when you have the baby.’ No it’s not. Just stop saying that. First of all, lack of sleep is cumulative, so I need to stock up now before the girl gets here. Plus, waking up with a runny yet mysteriously plugged nostril is probably not good practice for waking up and trying to stick your sore, sad, nipple into the tiny pie hole of a wriggling, screaming infant. I’m just saying. I don’t see the connection.