Real (Pregnant) Moms Are Like Valley Girls

No, not as in like, they're going to the *Galleria* to find a pair of BITCHEN jeans to fit their butts--

As in like, their toe nails are totally GRODY TO THE MAX.

Before I show you lot the gruesome photographic evidence, let me just first say a few words in my own defense. First there was the 6 months of pregnancy sickness (which made me not think at all about grooming anything that others couldn't see.  Don't worry, I'm not going here with you.  Not yet, anyway).  Currently there's the matter of the large expanse of my middle, which makes bending in half more challenging than ever.  Plus, there's this 'thing' that I have.  I hate, hate, hate things between my toes.  Even my own fingers.  I'm not kidding, it's been since childhood and I have no idea why.  These things make me break out in a sweat.  Doing my own toe nails is unpleasant and sometimes makes me feel a little woozy.  So, as you can imagine having someone else's fingers between my toes holds about as much draw for me as having someone take out all my eyelashes one by one.  You could say that I'm not a 'Pedicurer.'

So it's bad.  But I figure if all these people can do it--show the real deal--so can I.

Here goes.  To get the full effect, you really should click on the enlarged image. If you have a strong enough stomach, it's good for one of those grossed-out, uncomfortable laughs.  (I'll narrate as we go):

           

Okay, so first:  Lay off the commentary on the toes themselves.  I am quite aware that they are a strange *geometric-ish* shape and I've heard all of the possible jokes, including but not limited to the following:

"Those things look like Vanilla Tootsie Rolls, the midget size."

"It looks like all your toes got chopped off by a foot guillotine, they are all the same length, except that weird sideways one at the end."

"Hey!  Your feet look just like _________________________'s feet!"  (Insert the name of your favorite male Flinstones character.)

Even though it is acutely embarrassing, I am serving up these delicious, eye candyish photos in order that you may observe the heinous longness of the nails, plus the nasty--whatever it is--that's creating that 'tinge 'o color' under the heinously long nails.  Then, just for an extra special treat for you, here's a close up of this one:

      

The little guy there on the end was a martyr to an art project when I tripped over my art bin while painting cute things on The Nephew's nursery walls and almost took it clean off.  Yes, it's an art martyr.  It still gives me crotch crawl to think about it.

And in case you thought that sound you heard was me ripping apart the Velcro straps that hold my socks up, let me rest your mind.  That's just the actual sound of me removing my sock, as my heel skin tries desperately to hang on.

See what I'm saying?  A tragedy. 

So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and schedule an emergency appointment with a toe violating pedicurist and hope she's not, like, OH MY GOD, like BAG THOSE TOENAILS.

I *will* post an update. 

[Real Moms: Neglecting Self-Care Since Pregnancy]

Real Moms: Delegating and Getting it Done Throughout the Ages.

**I am tagging Breed 'Em and Weep and Soul Gardening and Mom 101

Comments

[heidi]

Lol... mine still look like that, 9 1/2 months post partum. It's nearly sandal season. Perhaps I should rent a sandblaster.

[Jenn]

WAIT!!! WHAT??? YOU WANT MY TOES???? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??? Um, I'd love to but...I...have no feet! My toddlers chewed them off! No feet! Can't play!

[Evilynmo]

Apparently warts and in grown toe nails are also apart of the preggers foot makeover. I wish I could get my beautuful delicate feet back. Welcome to the club =)

[Redneck Mommy]

Just be thankful you weren't cursed with freakishly long monkey toes.

THAT ARE HAIRY.

Enough said. Now I'm going to go pick up toys with my toes and try to find the joy in it.

[Kristen]

Dude. We need to go get those things taken care of.

Pronto :)

[Jennifer]

Funny! Well, maybe not for you, but I'm laughing at your post...not your feet.

[mothergoosemouse]

When I was PG, I couldn't sit still for more than five minutes - unless I was in bed or in my office chair. Pedicures were out of the question. So I can really identify with your toes. And your heels.

(BTW, was that the color of the sky in the background of the heel shot? That's a Colorado sky!)

[Kat]

Flexitol heel balm. Sold in a tube in the foot care section of most stores (Target, anyway...what other store is there?). It won't help the toenails, but it will make your heels smoov.

[Binky]

If there is one thing that makes me wish I was rich, it's the ability to get weekly pedicures. Well, that and a full laser body waxing (toes included, sadly).