Balancing The Scales

In Fits And Starts

I found this post in my drafts and yet I have a strong recollection of having posted it.  I can't find it in my archives, though.  WTF?  Maybe I published it on The New Girl?  I don't remember.  I wrote it when I was struggling to start LAST TIME and then I was in an okay groove and then I lost my mind and gained 10 pounds and here I am AGAIN.  *Sigh*

In Fits and Starts.

That is how I've lived my life in lots of aspects.  Namely, aspects that generally require a level of sustained discipline, energy or focus to achieve in.  I suppose that makes sense, if you think about it.  I mean, if an aspect didn't require a sustained effort, there wouldn't BE any fitting or starting in the first place.

For me, the biggest areas for The Fitsnstarts are things like, doing housework, keeping organized (like the incoming mail, bank statements, etc.), finishing creative projects and of course, self-care (working out, eating healthy.)  And here's the thing: when I'm 'in the groove' and on top of things, getting things done, working out, eating healthy, caring for myself and others, I feel GOOD.  I am energized and I have a general feeling of calm and satisfaction.  When I'm 'out of the groove,' it's just the opposite (no surprise there.) I don't feel good in or about myself. I know I'm avoiding things, which increases my general sense of anxiety and malaise. Twice in my life, I've let myself get about 30-40lbs overweight and twice in my life, I've eventually taken it off through focusing on what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising.

So then, WHY THE STOPPING?  Why is there any FITTING at all?  Why is there not just STARTING and STAYING?

Usually for me, it's a big thing that knocks me out of orbit and then it takes me FOREVER to get back to a good pattern.  The first time it was going away to college (natch), then it was grad school (both times, incidentally, I held to my good pattern through the first year, it was in the second year that I succumbed to the illusion of convenience, etc.)  Then it was writing my thesis.  After that, I think there was a longer period of a series of stressful things.  Then my mom died and then I got pregnant and then I had a crazy-demanding infant. 

And now, here I am.  Trying to start again.

Most times, when I've come out of being out of it, (if that makes ANY sense whatsoever), there has been some kind of catalyst, some kind of realization about myself and my situation.  In retrospect, these moments have usually been the culmination of more unconscious awarenesses that have been 'percolating' in the background.  They finally gel and coalesce and then they rush forward, puncturing my denial and avoidance with the quickness.

This time around, despite having recently had a baby, I'm not overweight.  The pregnancy was so difficult that I weigh now what I did before I got pregnant.  I could still lose 5-10 pounds, but the bigger issue this time is the absolute depletion and lack of strength that I feel in my body.  The changes in my body, mind, spirit and emotions after becoming a mother are still unfolding and have/are impact(ing) me daily.  The catalyst this time is my impending 40th birthday, I think.  As an older mom, I feel like it's my responsibility to care for myself as well as I can, to be around as long as possible for my girl.  (p.s. I know that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, don't nit-pick.  I'm talking about controlling what I can, obv.)

So, I'm starting again.  Instead of being super angry at myself for 'letting go' of a healthy lifestyle, I'm just going to do what I can.  I'm going to go back and brush up on the structure that I made for myself the last time I was in a groove (which, incidentally, I thought would be the LAST TIME.)  I'm going to try to eat healthier and exercise more.  I'm going to try to take better care of myself than I have been.  I think the rigors of my mother-schedule may preclude a linear start to my start but I'm going to do my best. 

I'm going to try to be at peace with The Fitsnstarts.  I think that's the only real way to figure it all out.

Eventually.

Maybe.

Perhaps You (Mis)Heard.

Oh HEY!  How are you?  Were you here to check and see how hard my scale was laughing at me this morning? 

Well.

It went like this, see?  The Man woke me a little early to ask me if I could make him some breakfast for the road (since he woke up late.)  So I did (because I like him and he pays most of the bills.)  I went right to the kitchen and made him two egg sandwiches [and one for me], forgetting COMPLETELY the deal that I'd struck with you [both] all yesterday.

So.

I ate my [egg sandwich] breakfast and then I remembered that The Little Sister had invited us over for [croissants] breakfast at her house.  So when The Littlest New Girl woke up, I dressed her and headed over for [delicious flakiness] Second Breakfast [because I'm basically a Hobbit]. 

I did remember, eventually, that I had not weighed myself.  And the good news is [I still don't know the number lalalalalaaaa]  I was on my way to the gym when I recalled.  I'm going to remember tomorrow, for sure.

Also up: I'm trying out The Little Sister's workout of Teh Combination Moves.  I'll let you know more ASAP, but I can tell you this: I'm already sore. 

Baby Step Progress and Some Inspiration

Today I decided to make a plan of attack to get TLNG to tolerate The Kid's Club at the gym.  And by 'plan of attack,' I mean a 'wear her the fuck out' plan.  A shock and awe plan (in which the childless, twenty-something baby sitters will be SHOCKED and in AWE of this kid's tenacity. And volume.)

Anyway, the plan goes like this:  TLNG and I will take our normal morning fast-walk and right after that, I will take TLNG to the gym with me EVERY DAY for a while (two weeks, in my mind) and leave her in the thingie for like, oh, enough time for me to lift one body part.  10-15 minutes, tops.  This way, I can break up my body parts to get each one a better workout and she'll only be in there screaming for a short time.  Then I'll go in and play with her until she's calm and then we'll leave.

Two weeks has got to do it, right?  RIGHT?

So, I started my plan today.  I [exploited her love of all things Elmo] collected all the toys with Hellmo on them and sat her little ass down, right in the middle of the pile.  I explained my plan to [Barbie] the girl working there and then I split.  And guess what?

Not a peep.  Nothing.  I checked back after I was done [crushing] lifting my biceps and?

Playing with Hellmo.

So I went back and lifted chest and triceps and?

I'm going to be so sore, I'm not going to be able to pick up my fork by dinner time.

And now this:

Did you all see this?  (Note that I say ALL, as though there's anyone actually READING this.)

It's an interesting story.  I like her blog and the interview was good.  I've been feeling like I'm failing at everything lately.  Some of it may be hormonal, it seems.  Even so, it sucks to feel that way.  When I get good cardio exercise regularly, my mood ALWAYS improves overall.  It's an anti-depressant.  I just have to find a way to get into the groove a little deeper.  Baby steps.

Anyway, the interview gave me a little inspiration.  A little nudge. 

And these days, I'll take the inspiration wherever I can get it.

Just Like All My Old Report Cards Said

This past Saturday, I went to yoga. At a yoga studio.  The difference between a gym yoga class and a yoga studio yoga class is like the difference between a deluxe grocery store and a quickie-mart.

At the particular studio we go to, The Little Sister and I call the class 'Choga,' because it's kind of like a little mini-chuch-type vibe, what with the little talky slash homily/sermonish kind of thing that happens before we begin the asanas (poses.)  Usually, the instructor talks a little about a concept, insight, issue (whatever) that she has experienced and weaves it throughout the class, as a theme or meditation for our practice.

This past week's thoughts had to do with the nature of time.  Specifically, how time is an ongoing, unstoppable force of nature, and how it is experienced by people, not as it is, but as it appears to us after being filtered through our consciousness, experience, mood, mind-state, etc. 

I won't repeat the whole thing here, verbatim.  The important thing for me was about the usage of time.  As you might recall (or not), I have been working on this very thing.  In an attempt to give my life a little more structure, a little more consciousness, I've been working up schedules and trying to stick to them.  I'm allotting time to certain tasks, in the hopes that it will help me to get them done in a consistent manner.  Week after week.  Going grocery shopping every Wednesday, say, instead of going one Wednesday and then 2.5 weeks later, finding myself trying to clean the tumbleweeds out of the fridge so I can get the baby something to eat for lunch.  Because tumbleweeds? Not good for babies.

Anyway.  So, the usage of time.

I don't use it wisely. It says so on every single one of my report cards from Kindergarten through the 8th grade.  I'm not even kidding.  'The New Girl does not use time wisely,' is something that my entire family has teased me about since I was a small, little time-wasting child.

The vocab that the yogini used was: using time in a skillful manner.  Which I liked.  She also talked about being a 'victim' to the passage of time, which is indicated by finding yourself saying things like, 'Oh, I lost track of time,' or 'I ran out of time,' or 'I didn't have enough time.'  Every day has the same amount of time in it.  We perceive it as moving faster or slower, depending on subjective factors.  How we 'tap into' the always-moving stream of time is the important thing.  And these words sparkled to me.  All of them.  I find them to be truthful.  And very true for me.

The use of time and using time in a skillful manner is what I've been working on for a long time now, I just didn't have this quick, one-sentence lingo for it.  But I like it.

I am aiming to be more conscious of the passing of time.  To be a more skilled user of time.  Using time constructively and for things that matter to me.  For things that feed my spirit and that nurture me and my loved ones.

I mean, I know that I'm never going to be the kind of person who sticks to a super-regimented list of shit to do.  I am flexible and comfort-seeking by nature.  So, I'm not looking to ACE time management. 

But a B would be nice.

So Far This Week...

1. I've started a schedule for myself.
2. I've researched night yoga classes.  (I'm aiming for at least 2 classes a week.  I think that either an 8pm Wednesday or Thursday and a Saturday morning class would be good.)
3. I've walked almost every morning and it's pretty much becoming routine.  My route is about 40-45 minutes, depending on my energy level and how cooperative The Littlest New Girl is being.
4. I've lifted weights once.  I'd kind of lost track of that last week, after TLNG's nap schedule changed and I had a lot of things to do after my awaycations.
5. I've limited myself to one cup of tea per day (It's been difficult.  I think there was one day where I said 'fuck it' but other than that, I've stuck to it.)
6. I've been limiting myself to one treat-item per day.  (This has also been difficult for me.  If I can make it until 3pm or so to have my treat-item, I'm better able to stick to the moderation.  If I eat a big oatmeal cookie with chocolate chips [TLC makes a grrrreat one] in the morning, I'm pretty much eating like a whore for the rest of the day. I'm also not eating *one Hershey's Kiss* for a snack.  I'm eating a nice-sized hunk of birthday cake.  What can I say?  It's a process.  And I loves me some birthday cake.)

For this upcoming week my goals are:

1. To continue goals from last week.
2. To finish the schedule and consider scheduling certain workouts and household chores like bathrooms, laundry, food shopping, etc. to add some structure and a set plan for the day. (I would be flexible with it but it might be nice to be organized about it.
3. To create a flier for a meet-up group that The Little Sister and I are going to start.
4. To try to pay more attention to what I'm eating and to slow down at the table/at meals.

Today's Crazy 'Dear Diary' Type Entry

Dear [Internet] Diary,

Since I wrote the last [post] entry on Tuesday night, I've been doing pretty well, overall (even though it's only Friday).  I've been taking fast walks in the morning.  I took TLNG to the gym to scream it out for 10 minutes (trying to de-sensitize that one.)  Today, I was extra sleep-deprived and so had a tea in the morning.  Will try to avoid afternoon tea but since The Nephew is coming over and I'm still tired as can be, I am thinking I'll cave on that.  (Never mind the boiling electric kettle, you neb-shits.)

In other, even more boring and ridiculous dietary news, I am trying to limit myself to one snack/chocolate thing a day.

Because for me, a day without SOME kind of snack is NO KIND OF DAY AT ALL.

Love,

The New Girl

Let's All Play 'Reason or Excuse?'

Is it only me who feels like The Sleep Dep makes a person want to eat all day long, without pausing to like, LIVE?

I've been up since 4am with my [tiny little monstah] girl (who is SNOOZING right now, btw) and I've been chomping my way through the day.  I'm trying to stick to good things like fruit, nuts, grains, etc. and so far so good--no cookies or chocolate. 

Yet.

To me, it is really the absolute WORST thing about new motherhood, The Fucking Sleep Dep.

*sigh*

Is it just me?