Balancing The Scales

The Journey Of Losing 30 Pounds Starts With...Meh, What The Hell Do I Know?

So.

I've started [yet aFUCKINGgain] to keep track of my weight, eating and physical exercise.  I weighed myself about 2 weeks ago.

Um.

165.

That's about 30 pounds to lose.

*sigh*

I've lost around that amount of weight probably twice before.  Maybe three times.  And here I am again.  I gain weight for lots of *reasons.*  I am aware that other people use the word *excuses* but I'm not partial to it, feeling that it's sort of...punitive?  Making Weight and Eating and Not Working Out, like, Moral Issues.  I am also aware, that for lots of people, making Weight and Eating and Not Working Out a kind of Moral Issue is Motivating. 

For me, it is the opposite of motivating.

And thus: To me, they are reasons.

I began gym-going and exercising near the end of high school.  I was toned and fit and in great condition, physically.  The first time I gained a lot of weight was my sophomore year in college.  (The BK-Three-Times-A-Day and the 'Bar None Runs' to the vending machine caught up with me.) 

I lost that weight between senior year and the following year.  By working out and having a Paid-Attention-To diet.

The next time I gained a lot of weight was in grad school.  Or, rather, the year after grad school, when I was working full time and doing my thesis.  (Chicken Cheese Steak dinners [pre-veggie days!] and too little sleep and absolutely NO exercise.)

I lost that weight after a couple years, I think.  Maybe not all of it.

Then, I went on a vacation to Italy, France and England.  In the way that often happens to me, I had an epiphany there, thing upon thing, converged to bring me some kind of new awareness.  Seeing the women of Europe, even those in the country of my people, was sobering and eye-opening. 

I lost the rest of the weight and then some, maybe 6 years ago.

And then, my mom died.  And I had two kids. 

And here I am.

Each time that I've gained weight, it has been due--in total, really--to a stressful situation which seems to [pulverize] knock out my Paying Attention to what I'm eating and my Consistent, if not moderate exercise.  I eat with abandon and I literally don't exercise. Like, at all.  Or, if I do, it is negligible.  Negligible! 

So, I don't really know what to make of that. (Are you all, 'Maybe next time figure it out BEFORE you hit publish?)

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how inconsistent I am.  I have berated myself, I think, for continually stopping and starting.  At the very least, I have wished that my range had a top and a bottom that were, you know, maybe TEN pounds apart, instead of THIRTY.

And yet.

In my cycles that wax and wane, I easily overlook the times that I've 'Waxed on Exercise and Paying Attention to Eating' and 'Waned on Not Exercising and Shoving My Face,' in favor of feeling and living in the frustration of having to 'do it all over again.'

Does that make sense?

I've been in great shape in my lifetime.  I mean, great shape.  More than once. (I'm not just talking about weight.) And for me (and I'm ONLY speaking for me, trust,) it doesn't take a whole lot of painful sacrifice to get where I want to be.  I remember the last time that I was Waxing on Exercise and Paying Attention to Eating, a coworker asked me 'what I was doing.'  I told her that I was just exercising regularly and watching what I ate.  'Oh, I don't want to hear about that,' she said.

I clearly remember thinking that there is no terrible sacrifice for me when I'm doing the things that will get me to my goal.  It just (for me! ONLY ME!) takes a consistent, day-in-day-out performance. 

That's where I get hung up.  In case you're new here or are the Biggest Skimmer Ever.

But why don't I look at it through a new viewfinder?  Like, why don't I think that I've done this before and so...I know how to do it?  I know what to do.  My body is strong and it remembers.  It wants to remember.  Why don't I think, in the morning, that each day is like a bead on an abacus, that could move me toward or away from my goal?  So, each day, all day, I've only got to deal with, you know, that day? 

I think I'll try it.

I want to lose the weight.

I don't like the way I look right now but I don't disgust myself.  I have no self-loathing for the way I look, even if I don't accept or embrace it.  If you know what I'm saying.  I don't feel like a bad person or a failure for getting myself here.  I'm not proselytizing the new religion of *fitness.*  I'm not making excuses for why I've gained the weight.  I'm not lying to myself about the effort that will be necessary to take it off and keep it off.

I'm not wanting to be perfect.  I don't think I'm going to be super happy or that all my problems will go away.  I don't think it's all about looks. Although, I prefer my body a smaller size and I want to fit into my old clothes.

I'm not judging, though, if you want to lose weight, or lost weight, in order to feel more attractive.  Or, if you think it's more attractive to be slim.  Or, even, if you think it's the *only* attractive and that *everyone* should be slim.  I'm not judging if self-reproach or making physical activity/food intake a kind of moral issue is motivating to you.  I'm really and truly not. 

I'm not judging you, even if you're judging me. 

I'm a firm believer in the Whatever Works for You school of thought.  There's room enough for all of us on this great big ball of dirt on which we all reside.  Even if some of us are chubby.

I want to lose the 30 pounds. 

Maybe, possibly, hopefully, for the last time.

Perhaps You (Mis)Heard.

Oh HEY!  How are you?  Were you here to check and see how hard my scale was laughing at me this morning? 

Well.

It went like this, see?  The Man woke me a little early to ask me if I could make him some breakfast for the road (since he woke up late.)  So I did (because I like him and he pays most of the bills.)  I went right to the kitchen and made him two egg sandwiches [and one for me], forgetting COMPLETELY the deal that I'd struck with you [both] all yesterday.

So.

I ate my [egg sandwich] breakfast and then I remembered that The Little Sister had invited us over for [croissants] breakfast at her house.  So when The Littlest New Girl woke up, I dressed her and headed over for [delicious flakiness] Second Breakfast [because I'm basically a Hobbit]. 

I did remember, eventually, that I had not weighed myself.  And the good news is [I still don't know the number lalalalalaaaa]  I was on my way to the gym when I recalled.  I'm going to remember tomorrow, for sure.

Also up: I'm trying out The Little Sister's workout of Teh Combination Moves.  I'll let you know more ASAP, but I can tell you this: I'm already sore. 

So Far This Week...

1. I've started a schedule for myself.
2. I've researched night yoga classes.  (I'm aiming for at least 2 classes a week.  I think that either an 8pm Wednesday or Thursday and a Saturday morning class would be good.)
3. I've walked almost every morning and it's pretty much becoming routine.  My route is about 40-45 minutes, depending on my energy level and how cooperative The Littlest New Girl is being.
4. I've lifted weights once.  I'd kind of lost track of that last week, after TLNG's nap schedule changed and I had a lot of things to do after my awaycations.
5. I've limited myself to one cup of tea per day (It's been difficult.  I think there was one day where I said 'fuck it' but other than that, I've stuck to it.)
6. I've been limiting myself to one treat-item per day.  (This has also been difficult for me.  If I can make it until 3pm or so to have my treat-item, I'm better able to stick to the moderation.  If I eat a big oatmeal cookie with chocolate chips [TLC makes a grrrreat one] in the morning, I'm pretty much eating like a whore for the rest of the day. I'm also not eating *one Hershey's Kiss* for a snack.  I'm eating a nice-sized hunk of birthday cake.  What can I say?  It's a process.  And I loves me some birthday cake.)

For this upcoming week my goals are:

1. To continue goals from last week.
2. To finish the schedule and consider scheduling certain workouts and household chores like bathrooms, laundry, food shopping, etc. to add some structure and a set plan for the day. (I would be flexible with it but it might be nice to be organized about it.
3. To create a flier for a meet-up group that The Little Sister and I are going to start.
4. To try to pay more attention to what I'm eating and to slow down at the table/at meals.

Today's Crazy 'Dear Diary' Type Entry

Dear [Internet] Diary,

Since I wrote the last [post] entry on Tuesday night, I've been doing pretty well, overall (even though it's only Friday).  I've been taking fast walks in the morning.  I took TLNG to the gym to scream it out for 10 minutes (trying to de-sensitize that one.)  Today, I was extra sleep-deprived and so had a tea in the morning.  Will try to avoid afternoon tea but since The Nephew is coming over and I'm still tired as can be, I am thinking I'll cave on that.  (Never mind the boiling electric kettle, you neb-shits.)

In other, even more boring and ridiculous dietary news, I am trying to limit myself to one snack/chocolate thing a day.

Because for me, a day without SOME kind of snack is NO KIND OF DAY AT ALL.

Love,

The New Girl