Balancing The Scales

In Fits And Starts

I found this post in my drafts and yet I have a strong recollection of having posted it.  I can't find it in my archives, though.  WTF?  Maybe I published it on The New Girl?  I don't remember.  I wrote it when I was struggling to start LAST TIME and then I was in an okay groove and then I lost my mind and gained 10 pounds and here I am AGAIN.  *Sigh*

In Fits and Starts.

That is how I've lived my life in lots of aspects.  Namely, aspects that generally require a level of sustained discipline, energy or focus to achieve in.  I suppose that makes sense, if you think about it.  I mean, if an aspect didn't require a sustained effort, there wouldn't BE any fitting or starting in the first place.

For me, the biggest areas for The Fitsnstarts are things like, doing housework, keeping organized (like the incoming mail, bank statements, etc.), finishing creative projects and of course, self-care (working out, eating healthy.)  And here's the thing: when I'm 'in the groove' and on top of things, getting things done, working out, eating healthy, caring for myself and others, I feel GOOD.  I am energized and I have a general feeling of calm and satisfaction.  When I'm 'out of the groove,' it's just the opposite (no surprise there.) I don't feel good in or about myself. I know I'm avoiding things, which increases my general sense of anxiety and malaise. Twice in my life, I've let myself get about 30-40lbs overweight and twice in my life, I've eventually taken it off through focusing on what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising.

So then, WHY THE STOPPING?  Why is there any FITTING at all?  Why is there not just STARTING and STAYING?

Usually for me, it's a big thing that knocks me out of orbit and then it takes me FOREVER to get back to a good pattern.  The first time it was going away to college (natch), then it was grad school (both times, incidentally, I held to my good pattern through the first year, it was in the second year that I succumbed to the illusion of convenience, etc.)  Then it was writing my thesis.  After that, I think there was a longer period of a series of stressful things.  Then my mom died and then I got pregnant and then I had a crazy-demanding infant. 

And now, here I am.  Trying to start again.

Most times, when I've come out of being out of it, (if that makes ANY sense whatsoever), there has been some kind of catalyst, some kind of realization about myself and my situation.  In retrospect, these moments have usually been the culmination of more unconscious awarenesses that have been 'percolating' in the background.  They finally gel and coalesce and then they rush forward, puncturing my denial and avoidance with the quickness.

This time around, despite having recently had a baby, I'm not overweight.  The pregnancy was so difficult that I weigh now what I did before I got pregnant.  I could still lose 5-10 pounds, but the bigger issue this time is the absolute depletion and lack of strength that I feel in my body.  The changes in my body, mind, spirit and emotions after becoming a mother are still unfolding and have/are impact(ing) me daily.  The catalyst this time is my impending 40th birthday, I think.  As an older mom, I feel like it's my responsibility to care for myself as well as I can, to be around as long as possible for my girl.  (p.s. I know that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, don't nit-pick.  I'm talking about controlling what I can, obv.)

So, I'm starting again.  Instead of being super angry at myself for 'letting go' of a healthy lifestyle, I'm just going to do what I can.  I'm going to go back and brush up on the structure that I made for myself the last time I was in a groove (which, incidentally, I thought would be the LAST TIME.)  I'm going to try to eat healthier and exercise more.  I'm going to try to take better care of myself than I have been.  I think the rigors of my mother-schedule may preclude a linear start to my start but I'm going to do my best. 

I'm going to try to be at peace with The Fitsnstarts.  I think that's the only real way to figure it all out.

Eventually.

Maybe.

Just Like All My Old Report Cards Said

This past Saturday, I went to yoga. At a yoga studio.  The difference between a gym yoga class and a yoga studio yoga class is like the difference between a deluxe grocery store and a quickie-mart.

At the particular studio we go to, The Little Sister and I call the class 'Choga,' because it's kind of like a little mini-chuch-type vibe, what with the little talky slash homily/sermonish kind of thing that happens before we begin the asanas (poses.)  Usually, the instructor talks a little about a concept, insight, issue (whatever) that she has experienced and weaves it throughout the class, as a theme or meditation for our practice.

This past week's thoughts had to do with the nature of time.  Specifically, how time is an ongoing, unstoppable force of nature, and how it is experienced by people, not as it is, but as it appears to us after being filtered through our consciousness, experience, mood, mind-state, etc. 

I won't repeat the whole thing here, verbatim.  The important thing for me was about the usage of time.  As you might recall (or not), I have been working on this very thing.  In an attempt to give my life a little more structure, a little more consciousness, I've been working up schedules and trying to stick to them.  I'm allotting time to certain tasks, in the hopes that it will help me to get them done in a consistent manner.  Week after week.  Going grocery shopping every Wednesday, say, instead of going one Wednesday and then 2.5 weeks later, finding myself trying to clean the tumbleweeds out of the fridge so I can get the baby something to eat for lunch.  Because tumbleweeds? Not good for babies.

Anyway.  So, the usage of time.

I don't use it wisely. It says so on every single one of my report cards from Kindergarten through the 8th grade.  I'm not even kidding.  'The New Girl does not use time wisely,' is something that my entire family has teased me about since I was a small, little time-wasting child.

The vocab that the yogini used was: using time in a skillful manner.  Which I liked.  She also talked about being a 'victim' to the passage of time, which is indicated by finding yourself saying things like, 'Oh, I lost track of time,' or 'I ran out of time,' or 'I didn't have enough time.'  Every day has the same amount of time in it.  We perceive it as moving faster or slower, depending on subjective factors.  How we 'tap into' the always-moving stream of time is the important thing.  And these words sparkled to me.  All of them.  I find them to be truthful.  And very true for me.

The use of time and using time in a skillful manner is what I've been working on for a long time now, I just didn't have this quick, one-sentence lingo for it.  But I like it.

I am aiming to be more conscious of the passing of time.  To be a more skilled user of time.  Using time constructively and for things that matter to me.  For things that feed my spirit and that nurture me and my loved ones.

I mean, I know that I'm never going to be the kind of person who sticks to a super-regimented list of shit to do.  I am flexible and comfort-seeking by nature.  So, I'm not looking to ACE time management. 

But a B would be nice.