I don't have too many of them, honestly.
I am not riddled with insecurities that plague my life and for that, I give credit to age and work in therapy. I am naturally gregarious and (probably a little oblivious) and so I am socially confident, mostly. I enjoy meeting new people and [barraging them with hundreds of questions] learning about them.
I have an easy-going, easy-to-laugh (even at my self) demeanor. I think I'm also kind of easy to be around. I think I'm certain kinds of smart and overall smart-enough (I'm not taking any math quizzes from you but you know, other than that.)
But.
You knew there was a but coming, right?
But.
Here's the but:
It's my Butt.
Well, and my middle and other parts. Basically, my overall body shape right now.
I am feeling insecure about the way I look, in other words. And I don't love it.
I mean, I don't love feeling insecure. About not loving the way I look.
Especially about that in particular.
Having that insecurity bothers me more than others might, I think. It's not easy for me to articulate why that is, other than to say that it's so...I don't know.
See? Not so articulate, right?
On one hand, I feel like it's something that I shouldn't feel insecure about. I mean, I ate too much and didn't exercise enough, I put on some weight and whatever. So, my pants are bigger than I'd like and I have a skooshy middle (partially thanks to mah 9 month old and partially to aforementioned eating/not exercising.) It's not like I can't lose it. Who really cares about it anyway?
And on the other hand, I know lots of people care about it. Not necessarily earth-shattering news flash, there, I know. And while I don't care about whether or not YOU gain weight and it has absolutely no bearing on what I think of you as a person and while I honestly don't really care so much what other people are thinking of me as a general rule, I still have this mental glitch, here.
I feel like having an excess 30 pounds obscures my real body shape underneath. I am not projecting the real me out into the world.
You see what I'm saying?
This 30 pounds I'm carrying around make me look and feel like someone else. It has transformed me (I've transformed myself, in other words) into a somewhat shapeless, somewhat larger version of myself.
And for whatever reason, it makes me feel awkward in not only every outfit I have and have purchased recently but, unfortunately, even in my own skin.
Insecurities suck.
That's about as articulate I'm getting, I guess.
